I can always tell when it's a day that I'm struggling the most with controlling my feelings...trying to change them on my own....these are the days that I don't know what to write. I'm pushing any feelings down, choking to death on my humiliations. Today is one of those days...
It's days like today that all sorts of things come up to the surface and remind me of all the things I have run from in my life....all the things that really hurt, but I would never admit. All the things that I want to say and I don't trust myself to say it out loud. I am the queen of putting my feelings in a box or up on a shelf, giving the benefit of doubt and rationalizing the situation, until it's so distorted that I don't even know the truth anymore. Then I turn around and take huge risks, huge flying leaps....risking it all for the chance that this is "it."
My name has become synonymous with risk taking. I was speaking with someone today and I told them that I had decided to not date anyone or develop any relationships other than friendships, for 2012. She said to me, "But, what if that perfect person is there right now, waiting for you and you pass them by because you aren't dating for a year. You never pass up opportunities..." I felt like Frankenstein's monster...what have I created, and am I letting everyone down? Will this whole year turn into a greater humiliation, as I try to work through all that I have experienced in 2011?
I do really know what all my group participants went through now, as they were working on themselves. I remember the ups and downs of almost every person I worked with, and how I became accustomed to the fluctuation of moods as we went through the curriculum. The nights when one or more of the participants would be silent and have very little to say. The times when they were so open and raw that they just couldn't put it into words.
When I worked with other facilitators I would explain how this was going to happen and I never imagined that I would go through the same thing. I actually wish that I was working on all of this with a group. That's what I am missing right now. I am spending a lot of time with myself...alone, and the rest of my time is with clients, helping them work through their problems.
I have all of these things that I want to say....and, I can't today....either because there is no one to say it to or because it would be falling on deaf ears....or....the words just won't come...
Of course you could start a "Year of Getting Ahead Group"...in your spare time that is! But why do I get the feeling that what you are doing with your blog (and because I am reading them backwards I know when I comment on this one what the next five contain) is more beneficial than any group, any "ism", any technique could be for you right now. You are your group.
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It does seem that way, doesn't it? :)
DeleteIf you do meet the perfect person, it doesn't matter if you aren't "dating." The perfect person will recognize that you, too, are the perfect person and take you as you are, even if that means as a friend for the time-being. The perfect person will also have flaws, and you will recognize that that is allowable and you will accept having them as the best friend you could ever have. The perfect person will let you be yourself, encourage you to be yourself, and not be afraid to be themselves. I've been married for over 17 years to the nearly-perfect person, but it took me nearly ten years to see that. He stuck with me, I stuck with him, and although we have our battles, we know that at the end of the day we are nearly perfect for each other.
ReplyDeleteThank you...that is so good to hear. I like the idea that of nearly perfect. Perfection has haunted me for a long time...and I'm not interested in it anymore. You give me hope... :)
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, or the week, month, year etc., the only one who has to be pleased with the results is you. If you take care of yourself in little ways, the big ways will follow... pf
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