I waited all evening on a Saturday in 1990 for my date to arrive. As the hands on the clock moved forward, my self-esteem slunk into the dark corner of my living room. At an hour past his proposed arrival time, I decided to redeem my disappearing self worth and drive to his house to demand an explanation.
As I drove the ten miles, to give him a piece of my mind, I imagined him pleading for mercy, all the while explaining that he was intimidated by my steamy sexuality. At the age of twenty, I was feeling pretty ballsy. And, by the time I was knocking on his door, my scenario had reached a crescendo that culminated with his falling into my arms...crying and begging for my forgiveness.
It was his mother who answered the door. She sighed and placed her hand on my shoulder, "I'm so..so sorry." I thought he had died...as my eyes filled with tears, he stepped around the corner, "I'll handle this mom." "I'm so relieved, I thought something had happened," I stammered...truly relieved that he was okay. "Listen," he said, placing his hands on my shoulders, quite similarly to the way his mother had, "...I like you...you're pretty and all...but....(awkward silence) my friend told me you can't have kids...and ...well...I want kids, so it's not worth my time to date you. I mean if you can't have children, as a woman, what are you really worth?" I realized, at that moment, he hadn't died, but I did....
Someone had taken..quite literally...my ability to have children, and I have been apologizing for it ever since. It has been the greatest humiliation, burden and loss of my life. The violent act that stole my gift barely phased me, compared to having to explain....in every relationship...within two serious dates, that I would never be able to have their children.
Every time some woman asked if I liked children, because she had noted that I hadn't bothered to have them...or mother of a man I dated silently stared at me as I struggled to give over my great secret...or when I undressed for the first time in front of my significant other and unveiled the vicious scar that remains...I have died slowly...acknowledging that my value was less than a meth using, pregnant prostitute.
The truth is that I want children very much....and will likely adopt at some point over the next few years. The other truth is that it is no one's business what happened to me or why I don't have children, unless I choose to share it. And, the last truth is that another person should want to be with me because of the wonderful, loving person that I am and not my ability to pro-create...I think we all know someone who should never been offered the opportunity to bring a child into the world...only to spend every waking moment trying to destroy that precious life. And, maybe there is one more truth...
No one will ever give you all that you deserve....if you don't what you're really worth...
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