I can tell that I am starting to unearth some painful realities about myself, that I need to change, because I had to drag myself to the computer today to blog. I only struggle to run my mouth when I'm hurting inside....hmmmm....interesting....
My recent blogs have been hitting some soft spots for me...I know this because I have been having very vivid dreams. I rarely think about my biological family and haven't for years, as I came to terms with the fact, long ago, that my mother never wanted me...this isn't me feeling sorry myself...this is something she verbalized long ago, told me all the while I was growing up and then, about 15 years ago warned me never to contact the family again. (She has her own blog, where she talks about her two beautiful daughters, and I was the oldest of three girls.)
Until recently, I felt that I had dealt with all of the issues that go along with this type of loss. Then, last night, I dreamt a film reel was playing events throughout my early life and I saw before me that with each abuse she offered me, she layered it with "I love you...I'm doing this because I love you." Then, I dreamt a filming of other important relationships in my life, all layering pain with "I love you." Of course, I woke up wondering what that was all about....as today passed, the dreams kept haunting me. It was like a puzzle that I was trying to put together without a picture to follow. I didn't know what I was looking at or what I was supposed to see.
I know that not all people hurt others. I know that, when you are in a relationship, and you open yourself up to another, you risk being unwittingly hurt by the other person. That is a part of relationships. But, why is it that I have struggled to keep people in my life? I can create a successful program. I can train people. I can graduate college with a near perfect grade point average, while working full time. I can make a mean pot of chili, with cornbread....and, I do have friends, people who care about me. But, when it comes to love...oh, I must be getting close to something because my chest hurts and I'm running out of words.....
What if, a long time ago, I began to believe that "I love you" went hand in hand with pain? I don't mean a twinge, aching or longing, but actual pain....that if I was feeling punished by someone that meant they really loved me....what if I look for people in my most intimate relationships, who will no doubt, rend my heart from my chest and rip it in two....and I cling to them? What if I don't know what it feels like to love any other way? What if I love...no live...to hurt?
I think I might be right about this...I'm crying...and my heart hurts...
Heavy, heavy stuff here. Revisiting (as you blog) always brings it to the surface again and as you are faithfully blogging each day and really looking at your current emotions and how they relate to your past, you are going deep. This may "just" result in dealing with pain again and moving on with renewed insight and energy or it may mean that it is one of those "right times" to be doing further analysis with a professional to be able to make use of all that is happening and gain new insight, understanding and direction. You'll know, I'm sure. Such hard work but it must be what is right for you for 2012...
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If I am talking out loud to someone, rarely am I dealing with any pain. That, usually, is a solid sign that I'm compartmentalizing an issue. I hate to throw myself under the bus, but that's the truth. My true thoughts and raw feelings have always been able to surface through writing and I am probably closest to my true self with a pen..or in this case a keyboard in my hands. It's just time for me to "pull my own covers," so to speak....and then move forward. Thanks, P, for reading all of my realness...
ReplyDeleteGood work Mick!
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