How will I know?

I'm going to honor the path that the Getting Ahead curriculum led all the graduates down.  We'd dig deep, then step back and look at it.  Then we'd dig a bit more...then step back again.  So, I'm going to do the same throughout 2012 and this blog...for both our sanity.  Actually, this approach suits me...I don't mind getting my hands dirty, but I try not to roll around in the muck....and I'm in it right now....but, for the right reasons...because my life needs to change.  But, how will I know?  You know...how will I know that the changes are right or that I'm headed in the right direction?

I wish this was the easy part...like...ummm...knowing that you need to change your sheets...I like to keep an eye on the pillowcases....smeared makeup is usually a solid clue that I need to get serious about my sheets.  I know that something doesn't smell right, if my cat comes over and attempts to bury it with invisible cat litter.  I know my eyeglass lens need to be cleaned, when I can see my fingerprints instead of the TV screen.  I mean, these are major clues.  But, I've got to be honest....my track record tells me that I know when the bread is bad...but not the relationship.  God, it would be great if the person got really moldy and started to smell...get out now...it's not like you can trim the mold off a person without a prison sentence, anyway.

I guess I'll know, maybe, because it will be like that saying "when one door closes...then a window opens"....I'm just concerned that I will bloody myself on the brick wall between the closing door and the open window, all the while saying, "ow...that didn't hurt", before I crawl over the window pane.  That's the way that I have always done things.  I'm not making light of yesterday's post, but it does make sense that I make a lot of my decisions based on the level of pain involved.  Something tells me that it's not supposed to work that way.  Every moment of my life is not ideal right now, but the only pain that I have been feeling this past year has definitely been self-inflicted....I have no one to blame but myself.

I do think my radar is a bit whacked though....I'm truly concerned that I need to reconfigure how I decide what relationships and paths are good for me....I need to look at why I always feel that I should defend, explain and apologize everything about myself....you know, your list only gets longer the older you are....Oh, that line that shows up with online dating "must not have baggage"....what BS....everybody is dragging around a Samsonite...at least one.  So, if I know this, logically, why would I need to apologize?  As long as I don't trip the person with the luggage or smack them in the head with it...with the right person, we could have suitcase end tables.  I have friends that have Bedazzled theirs...you know, made the most of it...made it more attractive...

Maybe, that's it...if the other person or path I am taking appropriately matches my newly Bedazzled "suitcase" and they are sitting directly on the other side of that open window, I don't need to bang my head on that brick wall or pulled at the closed door knob.  How will I know that we are Bedazzeled the same, though?

It's times like this that I'm really glad that I have my two cats. I better take them on this journey.   While I struggle to answer this question, if the situation starts to smell bad, they will cover it up with invisible litter.

I may not know, but they sure do.