Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Or, more appropriately, why do I always go after those who don't really want me?
For two days, I have just allowed myself to "be,"...to enjoy those around me. I was creative and thoughtful with my gifts. I didn't try to impress anyone. I didn't overdress, overspend and didn't try to dazzle with my intellect or wit. I was a helpful and low maintenance guest and I did not over stay my welcome....and, I was relaxed. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything. My nervous tics disappeared...yes, I have developed some over the past decade..no, lifetime. It was simple, uncomplicated and I was wanted...so, what is it about not being wanted that is like an aphrodisiac for me, especially with men?
I have wasted more money, more time, more energy, more tears, more thoughts, more sex, more grooming, more conversations, more everything on men, who clearly don't want me...for longer than seconds. The only men who have latched onto me have been ones who saw me as trophy (for whatever reason, I'm not really "trophy woman" material), and, as soon, as I show any strength of character...we run into major problems. Then, I will continue to pursue them...not stalker style...just pursue...have "feelings" for them....make myself available for their every whim...At this moment, I feel like an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to admit this, out loud or in writing, right at this moment....what is wrong with the way that I think?
I am talking about my relationship with men only because I am a heterosexual woman, not because I think there is anything wrong with men. I believe that many men struggle with this too; so, this is not male bashing...this is me taking an embarrassing look in the mirror and being appalled at my desire to be with someone...anyone that I can't have...because they don't want me.
Once again...I don't have a clue...(quoting the words of someone who will never be with me)....
Hmmmmm! Very interesting topic. I don't think you should be embarassed at all. You are admitting what plenty of woman I am sure want to say out loud and clear. That men don't get it! As a male I don't get it sometimes. I don't always understand the inner thoughts of women and why they do the things that they do. I try to understand, but maybe it is not meant for me understand but to roll with it. (-: I have had my instances also where my desire was to be with someone who did not want to be with me. So it works both ways at times. I think you still have to be yourself and take us men with a big grain of salt!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I read an article recently that said that if a person, or in my case, a man wants to be with you, there is nothing that you can do to keep him away...not in stalker terms...but, he calls, he texts, he keeps in contact with you. It's not that the men don't get it (with me)...it's that I don't always get it...
ReplyDeleteI believe there have been times that I have had an interest in someone and he has been interested in me and I have moved too fast, not giving things time to develop. I don't know...I really don't...but, I need to figure it out...I don't like the idea of living a life alone. I would like to share it with someone...enjoy each other and life together...but, I think that I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable; therefore, I want what I can't have...that's a pretty big grain of salt, if you ask me....Thanks for the thoughts!
Speaking for myself, I never felt like it was ok to emote my feelings when growing up. I held it all in and bottled it up. When I started playing sports, I would not dare cry in front of my teams of peers. If we men as boys would have had the thumbs up to talk about our feelings to feel our feelings in not just physical ways, maybe there would be more emotionally available men. So I believe that you are not alone and share the same ills as other women in this world. That being said, I feel like I am better at sharing deep down feelings and inner thoughts. But sometimes feel that women my not really want to hear the truth of my craziness. lol!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that...I hear you, because I work with mostly men, as clients, and they cry for the first time in front of a woman, when they are crying in front of me. It's frightening to share the vulnerable parts of yourself...man or woman...to expose yourself and wait for their response. I'd say that men and women struggle equally, we just present differently. As for whether women want to hear your truths...the right one does...but, she will want to feel as though you trust her in your moment of sharing....and that, my friend...is probably the most challenging thing to present...that you already trust the person to shelter your feelings...that they are your haven in the storm...I guess, I feel that is the way a partnership should be...you are strong for your partner and they are strong for you....and know one else need know this...this is a secret, safe place for both of you...I'm really honored that you would share your thoughts...and, please, continue to comment....that helps me too. Good evening to you....
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