Control.....

Remember in 1989, when Janet Jackson came out with her album Rhythm Nation 1814 and she had that huge hit Control....all of her songs were about power and hearing herself roar.  Then, it came out that she was secretly married to the guy from DeBarge...then she divorced....then she lost weight....then a boob job...and a nose job...another huge album...then she gained weight....then she lost it...more plastic surgery...another album (not so huge)....more failed relationships...enough plastic surgery that she started looking like her brothers...then Justin Timberlake ripped her boob cover off at the Superbowl (and she had that crazy star thing around her nipple).

I went back and looked at all the names of albums and none were titled My Jacked Up Life, with songs like Someday He'll Change, Maybe I Could Be More Perfect or What's Wrong with Me Cuz I can't Keep a Man.  She spent a lot of energy and money trying to convince the public that she had Control of her life.  I think there is a distinct possibility that Janet and I were separated at birth.  Granted, I have never had a hit album, plastic surgery, been married to anyone from DeBarge or been even in the same location with Justin Timberlake, I have the feeling that we are at least soul sisters.  

My quietly released album, Moved All Over the Nation 1989-2011, is packed with such hits like Wasting my Money with Online Dating, How Much is that Stalker in the Window, Husband is in Someone Else's Bed and the chart buster 25 Years and I Still Don't Believe He's Jerking Me Around.  For all of my successful work with my clients, all of my gifts of deescalation techniques and negotiation skills, for the life of me, I can't seem to get any control of my personal life.  I'm presenting well in public, but my life feels upside down.

I have tried everything I could think of to rectify and gain control over my life, and still it continues to fall apart.  I'm afraid to joke that my body parts might fall off, as well, because there is a hint of possibility that I will walk outside tomorrow and my arm will fall down in the dirt.  The craziest part of this past year has been having my clients tell me that they are striving for a life like mine.  I can't bear the thought of bursting their bubble by telling them that I just clean up well.....actually, I do tell them that...they just don't believe me.

I do know how my clients feel though.  They may have different situations, but, by the time they make into my office, their entire lives have fallen apart.  I know how that feels, and cleaning my bathroom twice a week, lining up my shoes, straightening that picture on the wall isn't going to make my roller coaster ride stop until the finish....and, it drives me crazy not knowing where the finish line is, if I will be with someone or alone, where I will be living, will I get my Master's and is it possible to find a partner that doesn't take more than they give....

If I could just get control....