It's My Party and I can Cry if I Want to....

So, I started the day with the intention of writing something totally different...but, as the day progressed, I found myself faced with some comments that changed my focus.  Some of the comments were directed at others and a few shot my way.  In the end, it came down to the fact that a lot of people get really uncomfortable when someone is going through the grieving process.

Last year, when my best friend, who was my age, quite literally dropped dead, many people I knew avoided me, even my ex thought that I was an embarrassment.  I took one day off, cried privately and still went to my college graduation the day after her memorial service.  And still, one person actually confronted me about cancelling my graduation party because the service was on the same day.  I mean, how ridiculous could I be?

When my ex walked out on me, after having sex several times with some other girl, while I was working two jobs and washing his laundry, there were those who avoided me like the plague...I wasn't even talking about what was going on, and they could smell the pending divorce pain on me.  I didn't run from friend to friend, and talk about what was happening at all the office parties.  I know that when someone walks by and says, "How are you doing?", they mean for you to respond with "Wonderful!"

Quite frankly, difficult times are called that because they are flippin' difficult.  And, no, I don't believe that, in the grand scheme of things...with people being murdered...high crime...catastrophic tidal waves and earthquakes, that God is carrying me down the beach or rocking me to sleep at night.  I think we both know I'll get through this and that it's okay if I'm not okay for a bit, as long as I don't purposefully hurt someone else.  He/She has much more important things to do than focus on my hurt.  And, since I have free will, He/She will let me work through this over the next year and not limit me to 15 minutes of pain.

It's okay if I resent my ex for lying to me and cheating on me; it won't last forever.  It's okay that I have reached out to meet other people (men, in my case) and been hurt when they said things like, "I just want to have sex" or sent me pictures of their "junk", after pretending to be interested in me, as a person.   Or, that I was devastated when someone I have cared deeply, deeply for, for over 25 years, contacted me said, " I love you," and then told me that I was "too much, too soon and too fast," after we had talked very frankly and calmly about being together, and then stopped talking to me.

Am I hurt? Of course, I am.  Do I feel like a fool? Hell, yes. Will I get over this? Of course, I will.  Will I take a chance on someone else? Hell, yes.  But, I'm not going to pretend, for anyone, on my time, that I'm not wrecked....that I haven't lost and lost and lost this year...that I am not covered in mud...that my heart hasn't been ripped out of my chest and bitten in half...that I haven't thrown myself off the cliffs of taking chances, only to smash into the rocks below....I will not be quiet...I will not make you feel more comfortable...I will not lie...I will not disappear....

This is my party, dammit, and I can cry if I want to.....and, you can too, if you want to come over....