Family....

It is Christmas Eve and I am not lonely....I know that, maybe, you thought I would talk about being alone.  I live alone, with my two cats (please, no cat lady comments).  Yes, I have already cried this morning, silently and quickly, and I can feel the things that are absent from my presence.  I am no longer surrounded, during the holiday season, by in laws who exited during my divorce, and my colleagues all "check in" on me, to make sure I'm okay. So, yes, I "feel" the difference of the holidays, in a way that I haven't for a long time.

I have no biological family of my own that I am in contact with and my surroundings are completely different. I've already admitted that I am broke, broken, have discovered that I hear what I want to hear in my intimate relationships and I am starting over in a multitude of ways. But, please don't confuse my revelations of my weaknesses for lack of confidence in the things that I do have....I do have a family.

In our society, we tend to connect family with biological relatives, and, for most of us, our real family is not related to us in any way.  I am writing in a warm living room, in front of a lighted Christmas tree, eating too many M & Ms and intermittently laughing out loud with my family, who started as my friends.  I have received phone calls all morning from other family, who started as friends, to extend invitations, almost demands, that I come and stay with them.

In truth, this is the first year in a long time that I have been allowed to completely be myself, and, although it will probably take me this entire year to find myself again, I am happy...I have found my holiday spirit, and I am not in hiding.  I am absolutely drinking too much with my family and emotional eating with those whom I care about.

I know that I am loved.  I know that I belong and I know who my family is.....and I love them too.