Nothing That a Good Coat of Paint Won't Fix...

I remember listening in awe, as my grandfather philosophized to me, while refurbishing a window pane with whitewash...you know, Michelle, there's nothing that a good coat of paint won't fix...I saw him as this brilliant Einstein...with vision and creativity...and he was...Mind you...he was saying this to me while painting a window with a new tampon he had stolen from my mother's bathroom...This works perfect for getting in the crevices...He was brilliant...but outside the box...way outside...

I remember thinking to myself...he was telling me that the key was to cover up the old...and I took it to heart.  I taught myself to apply my make up just so...making the most of my features and covering the blemishes...I discovered that wearing bright colors...when I was sick...helped me look well...That when I felt low...brilliant oranges...help people see me as cheery...and that a sunny "hi" and funny anecdote...will distract others from the tears welling up in my eyes...All very useful tools...but not really satisfying...because I often resented that others couldn't see me...the real me...

Recently...a friend of mine was helping me pack...and she opened my Amish cookbook...reading aloud their description of how a kitchen should be...blah...blah...blah...and at least once a year the kitchen should be whitewashed to keep it bright and cheerful...to increase productivity...I thought about all the renovations I had completed...over the years...the pieces of furniture I had refinished...the walls I had painted...the interior designs that I had emulated...and that I had recently sold it all...almost all that I own...What would I do now?...There was nothing to fix...

That's when it occurred to me that I had misunderstood my grandfather...all these years...I thought he was talking about covering up the bad...I had it wrong...He was talking about enhancing the good...The whitewashed window...was still a window...No one passed by and said...hey...look at the door...Instead...when they walked by they said...what a beautiful window...not...what an old window...or nothing at all.

Then I thought about what I was doing...writing this blog...putting myself out there for dating...over and over and over....and over...I've been volunteering for things...I got rid of my TVs...I sold my collections of collections...and I dove off the career cliff...to enlist myself to help kids...to teach.  Instead of burying myself under mind numbing media...purchasing piles of things and denying myself the risk taking that I love so...I cleared the clutter...wiped everything away...a took the leap into the crystal clear water below...

I still wear orange...I still apply make up...my smile is my trademark and it's a gift to make others laugh...I still cry sometimes...It's life...you're not living...if you're not falling down...But...it's amazing how different everything looks...when the windows of your soul are cleaned...when there new colors to your horizon...when...you stop blocking everyone's view of you with brick walls...and distractions.

Not everyone is pleased with me...I can't make everything happen exactly how I would like it to happen...Sometimes...I leave things disheveled...Sometimes I'm late...Sometimes I don't have the right thing to say...I don't have enough money...I'm single with two cats...and five new silver hairs have arrived in my hairline...But...by God...I'm happy...I'm doing what I want...I'm making real choices...and I'm using my voice...I'm not sugar coating...I'm not whitewashing the truth...Grandpa...you were right...tampon or not....

There's nothing that a good coat of paint won't fix...