This is something that I never talk about...oddly enough...I don't think this is necessarily a male topic...but then...the world has changed and there are pressures on men...that used to not be there...I've had a love/hate relationship with my weight...since I was ten...I don't talk about it because...as women...we beat ourselves up...and then beat up other women whom we perceive to be in a better situation than we are...it doesn't matter that we don't know anything about their feelings or situation...we take no prisoners...
I started developing at the age of eight...by the time I was ten...I had curves in all the wrong places...I wore women's clothing and full A cup...My weight fluctuated weekly...and my mother had taken to calling me a fat pig at the dinner table...she also sent me to school with diet bars...It was horrible...I was obsessed with food...and couldn't bear to look in the mirror...
By the time I reached high school...I had to make my own clothes...because I never knew what size I would be...We were poor...so the dietary contents of the household were carbohydrates...with a side of lard...with a cup of sugar...and at the same time...I had two younger sisters who could eat a whole pizza...and lose two pounds...seriously...and a my loving mother made sure to point out that I should be like them...in every way...I tried...but failed...
Now...because I am hour-glassed shaped...I carry it well....What that means...is that if I dress right...you can't really tell how overweight I am...I always weigh 15-20 pounds more than people realize...One would think that is a blessing...it's not...If I can't fit into my clothes...and have safety pins under my blouse holding everything in place...I am snapped at by other women when I mention that I need to do something about my weight...I am verbally shredded if I attempt commiserate with a female on monthly weight gain...or the value of upping my exercise quotient...so silently...I hold my head in my hands...as I continue to struggle...just like everyone else...
I have been told by men that I have a belly...that I could stand to lose some weight...that maybe I should consider plastic surgery...and definitely pass up dessert...My ex husband wouldn't touch me for the last three years of our marriage...the man before him told me that the best part of me was my abs...when I was starving myself...and then when I started eating again...told me that I looked like a marshmallow...and my greatest terror is that with each new relationship...I will have to take off my clothes...and they will see...whatever it is that they see...when they look at me...
At the same time...I am not allowed to speak of this with any female friends...with females in general...because as women...we only see what we don't have...what someone else has...and how secretly we hate them for it...I mean...that's really why my mother hated me...I was her rival...I've hated other women for breathing in and out...for being beautiful...for drawing the admiring eyes of my partners...the truth is that I struggle to see my own value...hate myself for my flaws...and project that hate on other women...If I focused on my own value...I wouldn't have time to weigh my worth myself against anyone else...
It's unrealistic to say that we should always be happy with who we are...we are constantly changing...and change comes from seeing things that we want to experience in a different way...but truthfully...in that...we...as women...should be willing to accept that pain comes in different packages...that we don't own pain...we don't have a lock on disappointment or sorrow...and that the world doesn't stop because of us...that there can be great comfort in having your hand held by another woman...no matter her size...if you both can look through the other's eyes...Maybe if we responded to each other with more compassion...and empathy...instead of bitter judgement...we might find that we would lose a few pounds...just from putting down that chip on our shoulder...maybe that small...challenging step...could lighten our load...and pull others closer to us rather than driving them away...I'm trying to do that...just taking it step by step...
And...pound for pound...
I think this is such an important blog today Mickie. So well and honestly written. It needs to go into women's magazines and of course, now that I think about it, men's too..it's for everybody because it is a universal truth that we, as humans, are never happy with who we are or how our bodies are. Someone else is always a better height, has been arms, better, abs, better neck, better anything that we see as imperfect in ourselves. Totally crazy and soul destroying, isn't it?!
ReplyDeleteMore and more I try encourage myself and others to go for health and a comfortable level of fitness rather than a certain weight or a striving for the body of a totally sculpted and close-to-starving model or person we know. An unrealistic goal for most of us anyway as body shape plays a huge part. I wish we, as a society, could truely embrace health and fitness (no matter what shape and size that comes in) as a goal to work towards and also to remember that skinnyness is not godliness (or godessliness).
Now I am going to take Sorcha for a walk and then come back and eat a healthy brunch and not spend the day obsessing about weight or body shape...though I have to admit that if someone would come up with a quick-fix way for me to get rid on the bulge over the waist band of my jeans without undue sacrifice on my part..I'd probably pay quite bit for it.....
Unfortunately...we are so media driven...men look at the photos and movies...which represent no more than 3% of our population and believe that is reality...women respond by trying to replicate it...and please potential partners...It's so superficial and a waste of time...but I understand it...I struggle with it myself...I exercise more for what I will look like...than how it makes me feel right now...and that angry...bitter...envy...I can't do it anymore...I'm tired...tired of not loving myself and other people...for whatever reason...and just food for thought, pbw...I will be a blessed woman if I look even half as wonderful as you do...when I reach your age...you are an icon for beauty...just sayin'
DeleteAfter spending the day weeding, transplanting, walking dog, mowing....I now know just how unfit I am as I am aching everywhere and ready to drop asleep before I even see how the Nuggets are doing! My neighbour is in his mid-to-late eighties and he was out all day moving truckloads of iron around and climbing in and out of machinery..he is amazing. He has worked like that all his life and doesn't seem to have slowed up at all.
DeleteOh darn..it's half time already..maybe I'll just have to go to bed and hope the Nugs win without my couch support.
You are right..it would be blissful just to accept ourselves how we are. Not many people have the awareness about it that you do though and so I think that it a giant step towards enlightment!