What's Love Got to Do with It....

It's been quite a few days since I've written....and it's not that I've decided to forego writing...I haven't...I have truly been overwhelmed with responsibilities...responding to my future goals and trying to just...plain old...keep up with each day's surprises...I've tried to focus my mind on my thoughts...on writing...and the only writing I've been able to accomplish is writing "books" on nine million moving boxes...and that's okay...that's where my mind should be right now...and it doesn't mean that my not writing...has a deeper meaning...sometimes what we feel or focus on...really is fairly surface...or transparent...As Freud said...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

As I'm down to packing my last boxes...and two of three teacher tests are out of the way...As I have run out of physical things to purge...and I see my future finally taking concrete shape...I am realizing that whether I am stupid exhausted...or I have reached my zen of simple clarity...a paradigm shift...in my thinking...has occurred...I am seeing things simply for what they are...and not searching for a deeper meaning...

Now...before you begin to worry that my natural leaning toward philosophizing has left the building...it hasn't...It's just that...instead of hours turning into days...of deeper meaning thinking...I'm just agreeing with my first reaction...I always have them...and they are always correct...I just have always tried to create more out of a situation...and most often...it just is what it is...

Take love for example...it comes in so many forms...and sometimes...it's not the I want to be with you forever kind...in fact...most often it isn't that way...It's the...I want to be with you...this moment...I want to enjoy it...and you...and then I'd like to go about my life...but I definitely want to experience this moment again...but probably not back to back moments...I don't want to take part in a string of these moments...indefinitely...

I know you are thinking...that you know what I just described...but if you take that thought I presented...and don't try to add an underlying message...it fits for any situation...For instance...I went to Walmart yesterday...to buy cat food...they have to eat...I enjoyed looking at the odd people...who had obviously...all received the same memo to attend a weekly meeting in the aisles...I had some brief fun...looking at the new laptop that I would like to buy...and I exchanged pleasantries...with the gal at the checkout...but...I don't want to spend every moment...for the rest of my life...in that store...This isn't a metaphor...it's the truth...

Now...having pointed out this fact...I clearly see...that I have put way too much emphasis on love...or should I say...being in love...If I have warm butterflies in my tummy...If I have a hot...spicy...moment with someone...the chances are good...that we aren't falling in love...If someone thinks I'm funny...and wants to hang out...it doesn't mean that they have developed a deep...sisterly love...I'm beginning to see that love is the abstract...the lingering scent...It is the desire to link moments...and experiences together...so that there are fewer gaps between...It happens without effort...It just happens...

I'm seeing that in everything...right now...and it's a relief...I don't have to think so much...I wasn't hurt...when only a handful of people showed up for my going away party...Everyone who cared...cared...but they had other things going on...I haven't had any fantasies...of the streets lined with people waving and crying...as I commence on my final drive through town...and when my wonderful male friend came up to see me this week...I didn't lose my heart...because I was sure that he had fallen in love with me...and I have not lost myself...because someone told me he loved me...and then promptly disappeared...

Every moment was worth it...it is worth it...I didn't waste myself...I didn't make a mistake by marrying my ex...All the wonderful moments of my life...have been just that...Some of those moments have just lasted longer than others...Some of the moments...were intense and deep...and some were just pleasurable seasonings to my day...My participation was with pure intention...and...although I loved the moment...I rarely was...in love...with staying in that moment...So...maybe...there is such a thing as pure pleasure...for the sake of pleasure...reveling in an experience...taking grains of truth...and moving on to the next experience...Ah yes...I see the wisdom in Tina Turner's words...at last...

What's love got to do with it....