I want to say that I have it all figured out...why my marriage disintegrated...why I'm broke...why I'm okay with everything around me being chaos...why teaching fits me like a glove...why I never did this before...why my life was filled with huge quests...and I am now satisfied with things that are so simple...why I hid my talents...or why I shelved my gifts for others...why my life was so challenging starting out...and feels less complex each day...and why my cats want desperately for me to stay up all night with them...and why all of this makes me want to laugh...I mean really laugh...in a good way...
Outwardly...I guess I appear to be this huge risk taker...Inside...I feel as though...my choices are just common sense...and it's easier to just address things...and move forward...Sometimes...I look in the mirror...and I don't recognize myself...not in a negative way...I just never could imagine myself as this person...I'm not even sure what others see...when they look at me...It must be half way decent...because they keep coming around...and I re-iterate...I have no money...so it's not for the gifts...it is a bit comical...
So...what is it that draws people to others...What is it that makes one person the honey that bees are drawn to...and someone else...the vinegar...and not the kind used in dill pickles...I mean what did I do differently...I should be angry...I should be scared...I should be that statistic...that I was told I would be...and I'm not...I'm at a loss...as to how I got here...I don't think my eight year old plans and dreams...were really enough to make this journey...or were they?...
I look into the faces of my kids...yes...my kids...my students...and I see that I really don't have answers for them...you know...the answers...but they do...each and every face has a map...for their future...So...does my face have that map...or have I reached the end of my travels?...If it's there...why can't I see it...and why doesn't that scare me anymore?...And...why do my students look into my face...and see a future...Where does that connection begin and end?...
All of these questions...all of them...should keep me up at night...but they don't...I'm not sad anymore...I'm not lonely...I'm okay...really okay...I have some details to work out...I'm getting older...I'm not always thrilled...but I can see the beauty or purpose...in almost everything I do...and I'm not that little girl...sitting on the edge of her bed...fists clenched...teeth locked...swearing that I won't ever be that...or that no one will take my dreams...I'm just okay...calm...peaceful...
I really just laugh a lot...sometimes...when I'm shaking my fists at the heavens...I can't help it...maybe...I've just forgiven myself...for being born into a start...not of my choosing...Maybe I actually feel...that I do deserve happiness...maybe...I don't want to be unhappy...maybe...I am my own creation...maybe there will come a time...that someone wants to be a part of that...this...this place that I have created...that would be my final dream...let's say...Seems humorous...when you think about it...that's all I have left...maybe I wasn't ever really ready before...It's the only thing...that causes a twinge...
But...in the grand scheme of things...I don't worry about this either...it will find a way...to me...into my life...and that makes me smile...life is good...not kind...just good...like my cats...who are sleeping...after a long night of keeping me up...It's just one big toothy grin...
Really...it's just a little bit funny...
Love it! Your students are so lucky to have a talented teacher who has "been there", "been around", been this, been that and now is HERE with them. What a gift for them. I don't know that I ever had a teacher who was anything but in the mold..middle class, traditional education, middle of the road. Of course some may have been and either I couldn't discern it, was too blind to see it, was just too like them to imagine a different path to getting to where they were or they just weren't letting on..who knows? But these kids are so lucky to have you in their lives.
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