Are You Lonesome Tonight....

I am very social...even though my ex spouse would tell you differently...When I was with him...there was no room for me...He sucked up all the energy in the room...and fought for the spotlight...which I don't do...So...now that there is room for me...I am constantly accruing friendships and social experiences...it's very fulfilling and pleasure filled...

I have also been forced into the dating arena...not an area where I have ever felt comfortable...Truthfully...it's been good practice for me...I've never really...really...faced it...And...so I am now...looking it dead in the eyes...The current humor filled comments...are that I always have a date...that I am dating everyone...and...I suppose that has been an honest assessment of my activities...since I found myself suddenly single...

For months...over the past...almost two years...I have enjoyed many encounters ...dinners... breakfasts...evenings of talk...a bottle of wine...coffee...and...well...other things...and...I suppose...I have been satisfied...at times...I have tried to keep myself open to the opportunity of longtime love...only to find that it isn't there...and so I have accepted momentary love...which isn't really love...and feels very empty...

I have been berated...for dating...I have been made fun of for...dating...I have been teased for...dating...and I have foolishly laid myself out for others...who said that they wanted to love me...and they didn't...for whatever reason...all the while...I was running as fast as I could... frantically treading water...Now...I can feel myself slow...almost to a stillness...so much so...that I am barely moving...

So...when the young man called me...and said I'd like to stop on my way through...and meet you...finally...I said sure...no fluttering heart...no mad dash to dress just right...no extra time on my hair and face...When he arrived...I continued setting up my apartment...We talked...I gave him pictures to hang...we emptied boxes...and when the night came...I shared my big bed...for sleeping...

As we laid there in the darkness...staring at the ceiling...the question came...would you be interested...could we...you know...I think you are hot...I said no...and then I spoke of the unspeakable things...the fact that I am tired of accepting the crumbs that are given me...that I would rather be alone...than entertain physical romps...that leave you feeling empty...in the light of day...

Someone loved me once...I think...and I told him what that was like...to have someone look at you...and feel deliciously exposed...to experience them looking right to your very soul...and seeing all the beautiful things about you...to be in the arms of someone...feeling their love move through their hands...and into your body...the ecstasy of their lips pressed against yours...when they don't want to leave your face...your eyes...your hair...and what it feels like to have the other...the fumbling...the awkward movements...the distant...shallow satisfaction...no feelings...no layers...no passion...just precision...

He silently listened...and then agreed that there wasn't much...to the other...but that he was okay with it...if I was...I said no...kindly...but no...I couldn't do it anymore...It wasn't fun...it wasn't interesting...it wasn't me...he pleaded with me...and I asked...will you remember me very long...after...he said no...I asked...will you remember that I said no...and told you why...he said...yes...I probably won't forget it...or you....He asked...what will you do...I said...I'm afraid that I will have no choice...that I will remain alone...that in not accepting base requests...I will just have friends...not what I have dreamed of...but something...

He held my hand....I held back my tears...You are really amazing...Thank you...I think if the timing were right...we would be good together...Possibly...I think so...You may be right...Mickie...Yes...

Are you lonesome tonight...yes...