I'm Just...uh...Behind...

Just when I thought my writing was broken...stunted...blocked...I sat down and wrote for pleasure again...For months...I have been chasing my tail...racing behind missed buses...failing to turn things in on time...and...feeling the feelings of a failure ( I was even called that)...Mostly...I have just felt like an ass...all the time...Then I felt like an ass because I wasn't writing my blog...

Yesterday...in the midst of organizing months of work...that I never had time to organize...I saw that I had been writing all the time...my words...my thoughts...At first...I was verbally fighting back...against the asses that surrounded me...in various forms...The day I stopped writing for me...was the day that I finally nodded my head and agreed...You are right...I can't do this...I'm not smart enough...I am a failure...Secretly...I'm an ass...

I cried a lot...in my bed...I slept little...all the while having my dignity stripped each day...discovering who really cared about me...and who just found me entertaining...until...I wasn't entertaining anymore...Who needed me...until I needed them...then all I could see was their backside...as they scurried away...Through it all...I kept backing it up...to the plate...The pressure of it all...has made it difficult to discern what I miss...as I walk away...from what I have known...and crawl toward my future...

Today...I felt it though...that surge of fresh air in my lungs...as I said...don't you worry...so we don't have money for a Drama Club...I'm the Macguyver of theater...a gum wrapper...two sheets of paper and a thumb tack...and we'll have a program...There I was...suddenly...I could see my writing everywhere...on scraps of paper...corners of books...pamphlets...assignments...I hadn't lost my voice...just misplaced it...while my butt was hung out to dry...my conscious mind was just trying to survive...but my inner voice...was holding the torch...not dropping the spirit stick...

I was reminded of all my people...the hundreds of ones...that I have worked with...and how they cried many times...in my office...when will this end...and I said...you have to believe in yourself...you are doing the right things...you are not failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding your real strength...you are not making a fool of yourself...

There it was...today...when I looked in the mirror...when I spoke up...when I felt my inner power...I wasn't failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding my real strength...not making a fool of myself...I wasn't and ass...

I'm just...uh...behind...