Why Do You Like Me....

I know that I am supposed to understand...I'm intelligent...I'm clever...I've lived an experience filled life...I should know this...this should be a no brainer...but I'm lost...confused...and quite obviously...unaware...and vulnerable to the trap...the cruelty trap...Maybe...because I don't do it...I can't see it...especially...when it is headed right for me...

I am an idealist...I believe in "do overs"...I believe that goodness...should beget goodness...and yet...that isn't true...often kindness and vulnerability...just begets cruelty...I have seen it...in relationships...in others...in my former marriage...in soured friendships...even before the sour...in the workplace...everywhere...Even more interesting...is that cruelty usually comes...with the face of one you trust...or...are beginning to trust...and when that face is confronted...it usually smiles...and laughs saying you are mistaken...you misunderstood...you have a problem...you are emotional...all the while continuing to push buttons...to toy with you and...well...play...

And...in the midst of all this...there comes a phrase...one that you are asked to answer...In all cases...the question is twisted...twisted...in a way that compels you...and so you do...You explain...you push forward with more kindness...and all the while you feel your protections...stripped away...a piece of your soul is stolen...and you can almost see them pocket it...not to keep...but to sell on ebay...You've been rolled...and robbed...and you stagger away with cuts and scrapes...and two dead leaves residing in your tangled hair...and they are smiling...Your humiliation is their delight...

How did this happen?...What did I do to deserve this?...Can I keep this from happening again?...These are the questions you ask...as you lick your wounds...attempting to regain dignity...still that magical question dangled by the other...pulls you in on its tractor beam...

Of all the questions...asked of me...the one last night...has always been a red flag of reckless cat and mouse...and I have always tried to answer it...Here I sit again...I did care about you...I did think you good....and kind...and admirable...But now I see you are lost...adrift on a sea of self doubt...clinging to a board from your wrecked ship...Not that you wish to reach the shore...landing on solid ground...but you are more than willing to drag another down...use them as your raft...your life preserver...I mean...if you are drowning...why not drown another...

So...when you ask me...when you smile in my face...while I am trying to recover...I have to speak the truth...one set of truths I said last night...the other I will tell you today...Yesterday...I did for all the good I thought you were...and today I see you clearly...sadly...Yesterday...I said yes...I do...and to the why...I spoke honestly...from the heart...and I will do so again...

Why do you like me...I don't...not anymore..