The other day I was grocery shopping...money's tight these days...but I'm keeping it together...and when it came time to pay...I reached for the dollar bills...only to be confronted by a load of change...I quickly asked the cashier...if she would be too upset...if I paid with a lot of coins...Clearly uninterested with my plea...she accepted and sighed...as I continued to explain...I have so much change...that I was tired of looking at it...it was weighing me down...and I would let someone else deal with it...for awhile...
I started thinking about how much change I had been dealing with...for the past four years...It seemed...that as I was altering my life...I was paying the bill...for a lifetime of decisions...that others had made for me...and the ones I had made for myself...and still...I had a pile full of change...
Recently...I was offered an opportunity...to bring someone into my life...someone who embodied everything...everything I had asked for...all these years...and I felt that all of my change...had generated this person...as repayment for a lifetime of believing...striving...to be better...the best...woman I could be...After focusing...for four years...on my development...my growth...I felt...that I had reached a pinnacle...and...now that all the change was over...I was really ready to move forward...
As he and I connected...I shared with him...what I felt he needed to hear...you know...the...I have the responsibility to let you know...the...he'll want to hear this...and...basic facts...I'm on the other line...or...I'll call you in a minute...For me...that made perfect sense...because...in the past...I had shared everything...which other parties were not interested in...so I changed my approach...I would only pass on the bare minimum...not make a nuisance of myself...and spare my heart...for when they exited...after all...I had changed my perspective...on the longevity of relationships...
Then...quite suddenly...I found myself...at an impasse...he said he needed...I said I hear you...hold on a sec...he was hurt...I tried to smooth things out...It was all so logical to me...and then I heard...myself...I haven't been in a relationship for four years...you've got to give me a break...I didn't know...and his question...why...why didn't you know...I know what is important to you...what...what is it that you do all day...where...where did you get the idea that I might leave...how...how am I supposed to know what you won't tell me...I was stunned...back peddling...stammering...defensive...scared...and then humbled...
The truth is...I have changed...all by myself...adjusting to imaginary scenarios...unable to believe...that the words...be yourself...don't mean...be what I want you to be...that for all my believing...part of me had stopped...stopped believing in that one person...who wants to know all about you...that loves the down and dirty...just as much as the angelic think tank...and...even more honestly...after four years...I could only hear myself...I had selfishly assumed...that I was beyond being selfish...that I was now the very best...of me...and that I no longer had need for change...
The fact is...all that change...weighing me down...it still spends...and maybe the weight is needed...to keep me closer to earth...All that humility...really isn't any good...if I have to go around telling everyone...that I am now humble...and if I have to reason away my behavior...in the wake of another's needs...especially a man...who knows every flip of my hair...upturned eyes...and nod of my head...maybe...I should stop counting my change...and start using it...unselfishly...
I'd like to say...that I'm all done...fixed...fantastic...I'm not...I'm just different...now it's time to change again...we all have to do it...and I think I should consider...the idea of including...this other wonderful person...in my future decisions...if I want him to be there...for the future...I don't know if this makes me humble...or wise...or even thrifty...but I do know...that everywhere I go...I think I better keep some with me...you know...
...a pocket full of change...
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