Two years ago...I began this blog...this journal...or short essays...that chronicled my thoughts...beliefs...and constantly changing inner landscape...as I pursued uncovering a woman who was raised to lack confidence...to be alone...to need someone to complete me...to be a victim...and during that time...I have spoken...from my heart...shared many of my secrets...and explored my motivations...in the hopes that I would emerge...a better person...Early...early...in my journey...I spoke of the relationship I had with my hair...I actually think of this topic often...
I'm not a religious person...I was raised to be...but my life...and family...led me to see only hypocrisy...in something that spoke of freedoms...in a tight box of rules...and judgement...much like my mother's judgement of whether I should be allowed to have long locks...and I created my own confined beliefs...of why I should have the hair of romance novels...and bad fiction...and yet...I found myself contemplating religion...and hair...through the biblical tale of Sampson and Delilah...Sampson...a virile...strong man...had long and lustrous curls...and when he let his guard down...the person he trusted...a woman...clipped his hair short...and his strength...evaporated...
I...a woman...have been told...verbally...in whispers...or loudly...and in subtle...more sinister ways...by society...and media...that I would lose all my power...as a woman...if I cut off my hair...that I would be less desirable...I would look like a man...or worse...I would be considered one of those women...you know...the ones who no longer like men...and I awoke this morning...with a question...why do I care...
The fact is...I learned from my mother...that I was no one...if I was not with a man...and so I tried...I worried...I chased...I tried to be chased...and chaste...I have dated...married...divorced...and shared my wares...with many...I have twisted myself...conformed...been silent...been charming...and funny...and worn my hair...in a million ways...to please men...and the only time it has pleased me...was when it was cropped...short...I mean short...the way I like...thanks to Jennifer Lawrence...I was reminded of the freedom of a look...that says...I don't want you to focus on my mane...because the main draw about me...is...and should be...just me...
I suddenly felt sorry for Sampson...that his vanity...was his strength...and that a woman was blamed...for introducing the idea...that strength is not about appearance...it's about what you carry inside you...I am no longer about my hair...I am not that girl...who could not stand with confidence...singularly...not alone...but with room around her...for more important things...than needing someone else to define her...
I also realized...that I have not been taking care of myself...the way I should...I have let myself down...allowed a floundering...of my soul...and I have allowed my best...brilliant self to be covered...weighted down...with poor habits...and fear...that I needed to look a certain way...to receive the respect I deserve...and I have covered my mind...and face...to attract...all the things I already have...from someone else...
My decision...in thirty days...from today...I will enter a salon...with a recent picture of Jennifer Lawrence...and pay too much money...for my hair to be clipped...cropped...and possibly highlighted...not because I want attention...but because...I think my hair has been getting in the way...covering too much of my mind...and too many hours have been spent...grooming myself for a mate...instead my future...
Oh...there will be remarks...and pitying looks...from men and women...many will be saddened that I have given up my strength...but then the world is full of fools...and clowns...individuals who make choices...to entertain and please others...and though the world will continue to revolve on its axis...I'm done with the revolving door...of those who do not see me...for who I am...because my bangs are in the way...
Think what you want...it's time to lose the weight...and the locks...that have locked me into society's vision of a woman's beauty...no matter how you cut it...that is...and from this point forward will be...
...the long and the short of it...
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