When I was growing up...I swam in shark infested waters...every move was dangerous...there was no rhyme or reason...to the things that could leave you dragging away a bloody stump...of self esteem...or dignity...I equate my early experiences...to being a war vet...too vivid memories...stories that I can't tell...and the occasional dream...that has me waking to a soaking sweat...and it was during that time...that I decided...I would be different...opposite...of the chaos...and that if I knew my actions...would bring pain to another...I would consciously...make a different choice...so that I would never purposefully hurt someone...I've stuck to that...
My adult decisions...have not always been brilliant...some border on idiocy...but I have managed to limit my times...of truly hurting someone...as a result...I have found myself...on the receiving end of the frustrations of others...and I have piles of advice from well wishers...who find it completely unbelievable...that one person could choose peace...and compromise...and empathy...over ambush...manipulation...and self serving devices...disguised as love...currently...I'm using all that advice...to stuff my throw pillows...I have a lot of pillows...
Mostly...I hear a phrase...daily...that I used to view as a compliment...then it became..confusing...then irritating..and now...an insult...to my intelligence...and ability to make choices...as a functional adult...Yesterday...I heard it three times...I brought in baked goods to share with coworkers...there it was...I gave someone a break about an issue...again...I priced an item at a lower amount...lower than others...the phrase...a third time...mentally...my brow furrowed...
I thought about it last night...and this morning...it woke me up...Why was this a common response from others...and why had it begun causing anger...to well up in me...I brought baked goods in to grow the option of baking for wages...I love to bake...and I'm pretty good...and I want to grow my earning potential...I gave someone a day pass for attitude...because...I didn't care...they were having a bad day...I wasn't...I knew it wasn't personal...and I priced an item low...because I sold them three...instead of one...I made more money...on something that I didn't pay a dime of my own money...I don't think my reasons are worthy of a newsletter...but I had reasons...I always do...
Then...this occurred to me...we are a mean lot...humans...we cheat...slit the throats of neighbors...brag about our conquests...standing over others...lying in the dirt...we insert ourselves...in other people's business...and call it our own...and we will peck that weak chicken bloody...because...it's a Monday...and all with a smile on our face...there's a word for that...ass-sk...anyone...
So...here's my thought...maybe that phrase...is a warning from another...that they aren't...well...you know...maybe...while they are advising you...they are also picking your pocket...taping a kick me sign to your back...and you...and all your kindness...is making them feel uncomfortable...cruelty usually travels in packs...and caring...is the lone wolf...
Just in case...you are worrying...that I am not savvy...in worldly ways...or that I'm too good...read this again...I couldn't write it...if I wasn't aware that the opposite of kind...is well...not...and some...are just rotten to the core...and it's my life...my right...to take my chances...in the hope...that my intentions will be reciprocated...that karma will be kind...and that I will die peacefully...without regret over my behavior...but if you think that I don't know exactly...what is going on...in the minds of others...well...you know...
you're too nice...
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