I have always been fascinated with the concept of reincarnation...the idea that we are all...somehow connected...that we are...the missing pieces to a puzzle...that time...and lives intersect...allowing us to work out past wrongs...have the ultimate do over...correct our mistakes...have another chance to be with...that person...and most important...that you may have been Queen Elizabeth...in a former life...after all...who wants to discover...that they were a telephone operator...or the guy that held the piss bowl...in a nondescript court...in Serbia...
My life...these days...is about revisiting my past...correcting my wrongs...facing my demons...changing my negative life behaviors...man...have I been busy...I find that every day...is about redirection...attempting to not be perpetually embarrassed...about...well...everything...I can't do much about my childhood...realistically...I was born...I made due...then...I was old enough to create my own life...I did that...I'm satisfied...it's all that stuff that I did...when...I supposedly...was making important life decisions...on my own...and I blew it...
I raced around...frantically...attempting to find a person...to fill my emptiness...I can't blame the ones that stuck...for being idiots...or jerks...or unfaithful...there were always signs...of the inevitable chasms...that I would be at the bottom of...by the time they left...and was yelling to the heavens...why did I let you put me here...investing in losing situations...or people...being too nice...too naive...too pliable...too scared...and too many deja vus...
Nothing...could make me happier...than to discover that...I am...reliving a past...that I need to fix...and that I'm doing it...As I make my attempts...to break through lifetime barriers...toss out old habits...stop putting off problems...and release my creativity...I find myself collecting...many of the same people...and situations...and I wonder...quite loudly...have I done this before...have I created an eternity...of repetition...personal hurt...and poor choices...that have trapped me in a negative pattern...and...what else can I do...
Maybe...I have wasted my energy...on everything...and everyone else...Now...I am focusing on myself...maybe...the change I'm creating...is drawing in others...who believe they want a change...and maybe they feel...I might do that for them...I don't know...I don't know how this is happening...why...or how to break away...
Truth is...I feel that...every day...I get closer...to the me that I want to be...and every day...I question myself...about who I am...what my future holds...and why it hurts so much...when I begin to see...all things I do that are...well...hurting me...Then I say...is it okay...that these days...I find myself in tears...at least once a week...and...did Queen Elizabeth go through this too...or am I the only one who feels like...they are holding the piss bowl...in a nondescript court...Maybe...all of this...is wasting more time...or a distraction...from what is really in my way...Maybe...none of this matters...right now...I can't answer that...but I'll tell you what I do know...
I've been here before...
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