We all have our favorite musical artists...the ones we tell everyone about...and the ones that we keep to ourselves... Mine...ABBA...When friends discover my addiction...the jokes are endless...I laugh...but I still listen to them. Ironically...I pulled them up on Pandora...and my favorite song of theirs immediately began playing...They sang...in perfect harmony...begging for another to give them a chance...to believe in them...As I swayed...yes...swayed to the beat...I thought about my writing this week...about taking chances...risking...the theme...mistakes...
Oh my...my mistakes have been plentiful...gargantuan...epic...Some of them are the making of screenplays...some should just be buried in a flower garden...Many of them...were short lived...and some will haunt me until the day I die...but I am nothing...if not consistent...so I will continue to make mistakes...hopefully...each one only once...
If look deeper at my lifetime of foibles...as I have this week...here's what I find...I believe in others...their resiliency...their potential...and their ability to correct the path they are on...I have believed in thousands...my clients...my co workers...my government...my family...my lovers...and my friends...there is only one person that I rarely give a chance...or room for mistakes...me...
I look back over a lifetime of opportunities...that I have passed on...because I didn't believe that I was capable of achievement...If I were my own parent...which I have been much of my life...I would be that mother who says...don't even try...you will fail...Firm...to the point...and unyielding...in my belief...that I shouldn't believe in me...
My risk taking has been cleverly disguised as belief in others...as if...I were trying to trick myself...so that I wouldn't discover my own attempts...at something new...I can persuade others to believe in me...my outside the box ideas...and then promptly...go home and throw up...Years of migraines...heartburn...sleepless nights...and tears have plagued me...and my reaching out to...myself...While others sang my praises...I hung my head...positive...that I would be found out...for the fraud I believed myself to be...
It took losing everything...I mean everything...to not care anymore...what I had to say about me...What's the worst that could happen...that I wouldn't be my friend anymore...Here's the bigger question...had I ever...When was the last time...I was a good friend to myself...In a lifetime of experiences...for every hundred that I offered others...I offered one to me...always with loopholes...and conditions...and the prodding of a friend...
So...where does this leave me now...Hello...my name is Mickie...Hello Mickie...It's been three months...since I last didn't believe in myself...Tell me your story...I'm taking this day by day...sometimes I need support...but I know I'll make it...I just have to...
take a chance on me...
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