I was a little girl...when my grandfather taught me...the ins and outs of setting a table...There were right ways...and wrong ways...The spacing had to be un-crowded...the knives had to be turned blade to the plate...so you wouldn't be cut...the smaller...more petite came first...and the bigger pieces...responsible for the true nourishment...were meant to be second...and were less attractive...Most important...every item...needed to know its place...and if you placed anything wrong...everyone would be embarrassed for you...I was stressed...beyond belief...
My sense of responsibility...for even the smallest thing...will keep me awake nights...I know I seem cool...calm...and relaxed...but that's only from years of deep breathing...and mastering the art of keeping my lip from trembling...To make matters worse...I tend to be intuitive...I can sense displeasure...disappointment...or a drop in confidence...it's like being a living thermometer...and so I work...tirelessly...to maintain a temperate climate...and balance within myself...You can imagine my...hmmm...what's the word...fear...when I realized that I am beginning to...experience the first signs of...what will one day be dementia...
My aunt has it...she is the shell of the woman that I remember...brilliant and fiery...spoke two languages...traveled...and pushed everyone's buttons...she now struggles to push the right buttons on the phone...speaks a language no one understands...and travels only in her nightgown now...from room to room...
When I was a child...I suffered several serious head injuries...some from accidents...and some from "accidents"...as I grew older...I garnered a couple more...I relearned how to write...how to process information...how to focus...how to make it through migraines...how to pretend that my thinking wasn't stuck...how to cover when I couldn't pretend...and how to embrace my weaknesses...and let my gifts...my talents grow...to fill in the synaptic glitches...
As I stood in the kitchen tonight...in my mid 40's...staring at the dish soap...knowing I needed to do something with it...and my eyes darted...from the water to the bottle...and back...three times before I connected everything...I realized that I'm scared...Right now...it's little things...small details...but will there come a day...I know...that I will lose...faces...words...actions...memories...
I don't know...if I can write fast enough...love enough...see enough...break enough rules...laugh enough or loud enough...Are there really enough jokes...stories...friends...lovers...sunrises...or sunsets...children to play with...or kittens and puppies...that I won't feel pain...when they are not in the proper place...in my mind...
I suppose...that after a lifetime...of keeping everything in its proper place...maybe it is time...to mix it up a bit...maybe go to the mailbox...in my nightgown...or wear mismatched outfits...or dip Oreos in Gatorade...so that when I start to believe this is appropriate...no one will see that I've changed...Maybe...its okay...for the table to remain unset...to just toss the forks in the middle...and let everyone else figure out where they go...Maybe the things...that we tell ourselves are important...like dining etiquette...doesn't matter...in the grand scheme of things...I imagine...that when my mind...is no longer my own...getting things right might be a concern...but then...if I just focus on living...maybe I won't notice...when I can't remember anymore...
When the tables turn...
No comments:
Post a Comment