In 1942...Edward Hopper painted a snapshot of a corner diner...with three individuals at a counter...and the man behind the counter...serving them...It was meant to represent loneliness...isolation...and commonality between four strangers...In 1984...Gottfried Helnwein...replaced the individuals with Marilyn Monroe...James Dean...Elvis Presley...and Humphrey Bogart...all who died senseless deaths...and represented loneliness...isolation...and commonality between four individuals...who were actually strangers...to each other...What could this possibly have to do with anything...
Three years ago...I decided to try online dating...I was working in rural areas...I worked all the time...and I was alone...very alone...no family...no children...and the life I had known disintegrated...right before my eyes...but...being the idealist I am...I decided that there are ways to connect with others...to find that just right person...to reach out...and fill that empty place...beside me...or maybe inside...
It is an understatement...to say that I gave it my very best shot...I have been discriminating...and then I have dated indiscriminately...I have shared the condensed version of my life...so many times...that it actually bores me...I have dressed young...dressed up...dressed down...even wore a dress...I have listened to other's stories...it feels like millions... I've worked out...gotten worked up...been worked over...in four separate states...and overseas...and I am still incredibly...incredulously...single...
It would be easy to say...I will be alone forever...the fact is...I'm not alone...there are a lot...thousands...millions...of people who are alone... worse yet...lonely...and...because it is so easy to connect on the internet...they are barreling over...and through...other alone...and lonely people...and the trail of blood tells the tale...and I'm not so sure...that I haven't hurt my fair share of searching individuals...
You would think...that with so many people alone...and with advanced technology to help us...that we would connect...learn about each other...live life to its fullest...and love...long and hard...Instead...we learn nothing...stop living...and love...for the moment...We treat each other...as if we are dispensable...disposable...like fast food...
We shake our bowed heads at victimization...we cry out at bombings...we shake our fists at the heavens about poverty...unfairness...abuse of power...and then we step on the hearts of those around us...we all do it...it's so easy...so unimportant to us...because...in the back of minds...we've decided...oh...they'll survive...they asked for it...well...they put themselves out there...there's plenty of fish in the sea...The longer I have participated in roller derby dating...the more bruises I have obtained...the more that I have felt that I am broken...sometimes shattered...and the more I hear the shattering stories of slashed dreams...murdered hopes...and crushed self worth...
I guess...there is a purpose behind it all...I have met some wonderful men...who I just became friends with...and I read that people meet the love of their lives online...but it just seems to me that...as all these strangers come together...meeting in bars...or at parks...or just at a diner...the picture that has been painted for me...looks very much like...one of the most famous depictions...of individuals coming together...and still being alone...
I made the decision to stop...stop it all...stop the online dating...and the frenetic attempts...to meet someone...I suppose...this means...I may walk alone...for a long time...maybe forever...but...maybe...it will make more room for people who care about me...who want to spend time with me...and for myself...to let my talents...and aspirations grow...I realize this puts me on a path of my choosing...in uncharted territory...but I believe this is a better...kinder...more fulfilling road...that instead of following others...I will be blazing my own trail...It may get bumpy...or muddy...or boring...but with all the unknown...it will get me where I'm supposed to be...faster...then travelling the unsafe transit system on...
the boulevard of broken dreams...
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