Wednesday, March 19, 2014

No Accidental Passenger...

Weeks have rolled by since my last post...I have been travelling...not a new experience for me...I often wonder at my ability...to start over...There are moments of marvel...and then...there are the moments of concern...I constantly struggle...to offer...my complete...wholehearted...permission...to myself...and my desires...to always try new things...new people...new places...

Before my big transition...my move from one part of the country...to the other...back home...to the place...that I have discovered I belong...I viciously stripped myself of belongings...dragging my past to the curb...passing the belongings...that I had believed...were deeply rooted...in my heart...to anyone who passed my driveway...and finally...when I could no longer force my muscles to move...I simply walked to my car...stepped in...started the engine...and drove away...

For days...I have awakened with moments of horror...as I remembered...this item...or that...which I had...just left...even my former roommate and friend has shaken her head...at the neatly left behind items...each of us whispering...I can't believe this was left behind...Just as suddenly...as these thoughts...threaten to haunt me...a sense of relief washes over me...and I feel like I can breath again...in a way that I never have before...Yet...even in these odd moments...of new found freedom...I have found myself asking this question...even though the things are gone...am I still carrying...with me...on my back...the heaviest burden of all...me...

I wonder...how many of us...clean out our life...of the physical...items...treasures...things we worship...people...and travel great distances...only to find ourselves...steeped...in the same situations...complications...relationships...problems...perplexed about the how and the why...I mean...it only makes sense that...throwing out the garbage...would make room for the new...the better...the healthy...yet...all that extra space we've created...suddenly fills...with the same...

I truly can't point a finger at others...the fact is...I still have...things...I have not learned to let go...I really don't have much left...that I can throw out...or drag to the street...or give away...and I'm okay with that...but it does leave plenty of open air space...for me to see...what I keep bringing to the table...what I wear like a trusty backpack...what I keep putting into the universe...what I keep attracting...I'm not punishing myself for trying...but I have to do more than hope...hope for a change...for something better...I have to do more than try...because trying isn't getting me voted off the island...that I am trying so desperately to exit...

I have no answers yet...I have plenty of questions...yet for all my ignorance...about myself...and the choices I have made...one thing is quite clear...I may have lightened my load...I may have packed my car...and driven over 1000 miles to reconnect with a place...that I once ran from...but the seat next to me was filled...with someone I have traveled beside my whole life...someone who...only I am responsible for...She may be many things...but she's...

...no accidental passenger...


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