I don't know if you have ever lived through a hurricane...it is a phenomenon the has to be experienced...to be truly respected...It builds strength...offshore...and appears to be just an obstacle...to those anticipating it's landing...It's winds can reach 100's of miles per hour...and lift a human off their feet...as well as trees...water...and buildings...Then just when you feel the greatest force...the eye of the storm crosses you and all is silent...no birds...no wind...no sound...bright light...peace...It is at that moment...that the fierce...backhand of the storm...reaches out and breaks everything left standing...What can withstand...the first half of the disaster...rarely is left in one piece...as the second half makes contact...
I was 21 when hurricane Hugo ravaged the Carolina coast...Living in South Carolina...where the eye of the storm crossed land...I was also in the first... of a long line of dysfunctional...abusive relationships. I had definitely been practicing at finding individuals...who would wreck my life...taking no prisoners...but...this was different...this was a real storm...destined to level everything...leave me homeless...out of work...destitute...and isolated...No...this was not a metaphor for my life...this was tangible...
My boyfriend's family...insisted...that we stay with them...their home was safe...it looked safe...secure...It was brick...strong foundation...great expanses of space...yes...this would be a wise choice...to keep he and I in one piece...and his family would support us...protect us from this natural disaster...I would leave this in their capable hands...
As we settled in...he and I...the winds began to swirl...hurling their sarcasm...with the tree branches...and the debris of broken dreams...I looked out my window and saw the impending doom...and grew sleepy...very sleepy...My eyelids began to droop...fluttering shut...drawing me deep into the belly of his family...I was hypnotized by the screams and violence around me...lulled and rocked by the crashing and crunching...the howling and searing tears falling from the sky...soon...my eyes closed...I slept deeply...and long...just like the long naps of my childhood...
When my eyes opened...to the bright morning...and scattered wreckage...devastation...I heard...in the distance...She is an odd one...quite weird...I've never known anyone to sleep through something like this...Ah...Mom...she's an idiot...Yes...I guess you are right...It was confirmed...without my voice...that I lacked the skill...or the will...to remain awake...watchful...alert...to impending danger...and unable to protect myself...
Years...a lifetime of cruel...cruel storms...I slept through...pulled deep...into a personal coma...waking only after the wreckage laid...at my feet...I often tried to force myself awake...maintain open eyes...and yet...I still walked...as if in a dream...into the jaws of hurricanes...whipped and bruised...I would gather myself together...gently picking up the pieces that I could find...Each time...I moved on...with some tiny element of my being missing...I almost disappeared...until the day that I didn't...
I stumbled...I fell over...I crawled...I dragged myself out...away from the craziness...the violence...and I didn't trust the eye of the storm...I remained awake...I knew it would end.. but...the next time...I would head the other direction...away...to real safety...maybe...not to return to the same spot...able to admit that sometimes...it's time to leave...with dignity intact...
It's odd...now...that there was a time I could sleep for hours...for days...Those days are gone...I find that I sleep little...and do more...taking small cat naps in between tasks...They say...there is no rest for the weary...I don't believe that's true...when we are weary in spirit...that is often when we sleep the most...and should be sleeping the least...During a hurricane...it is the weakest...most complacent trees that go first...quickly...and the deeply rooted...alert ones can survive...what they can't run from...It seems to me that I've slumbered enough for two lifetimes...Maybe...it's more important that I remain awake...vigilant...and no more...
Sleeping through the storm...
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