Well...here I am...one year older and still adding to my blog...that began...last Christmas...It's at this time of the year...that I pull out my favorite movie...Last year I couldn't watch it...I wanted to punch it in the throat...but since the age of eight...I have loved...cried...and dreamed...through this Frank Capra masterpiece...
I have been George Bailey...most of my life...reaching for one thing...and then setting it aside for another...so driven to make a difference...I have often bypassed my own pleasures...for someone else...Even now...I am working each day to make a difference in my student's lives...It's happening...slowly...but it's happening...but I talk about this all the time...quite frankly...I choose to find beauty...and success...in the darkest...dankest places...
This classic movie...brings together all the beauty of Americana...family...choices...and hope...It causes me to hope...It reminds me to find hope...in all things...even the darkest...dankest times...I hope so much...that I put idealists to shame...
The aspect of the movie that I never talk about...is what brings George Bailey to the bridge...the breaking point...the moment he decides that he has no purpose...and that his presence...is no presence at all...that the world would have been better off without him...
As a child...who contemplated every avenue of escape...an ending to what broke me every day...and even as I struggled through my early adult years...with the demons that set up camp...in your mind...when you become practiced at considering a finale...that will end the pain...another part of me broke last week...when I discovered one more person...in my life...had committed suicide...this makes six...
I am leveled...this is not a movie...there was no angel that came down...diving into icy water...so that this friend could save himself...by saving another...I'm not sure what has saved me...all these years...maybe I am too stubborn...maybe too lazy...maybe I am just a fighter...but I have always found a way...a light at the end of the tunnel...
But...at this moment...I feel deep sadness...even as a sit in a new tunnel..in my life...near that bridge that George stood on...and I see the light...knowing I'll make it through...and beyond...my heart aches...not with pain...but understanding...Just as I know what it feels like to step away from that bridge...to believe again...I also know what it feels like...to carry the unbearable weight of life...a life that feels closed...and unforgiving...to clutch that railing...white knuckled...unable to cry...unable to breath...eyes pressed shut...and to feel the pull...into a plunging...downward spiral...to the icy waters below...
I only wish he had looked up...looked around...blinked his eyes...let the light in...Is it awkward to come back from so dark a moment...yes...Is it a struggle to put one foot in front of the other...yes...Is there something...or someone...out there to give us back that initial sense of purpose...yes...and do you have to make those first movements alone...yes...only you can decide to cross that bridge...instead of leap from it...and when others pull away...during your dark time...it is only because those dark times...are reminders to others...how frail and fallible we are as humans...no one wants to be reminded that this is one possible ending to a story...
Just like George Bailey...there is the possibility of a warm room...filled with people who care for you...who are waiting for you to step off the other side of the bridge...to come home...to walk toward the light...the one coming from the street lamp...on your path...to a your own doorstep...No one can drag you there...you have to find your own way there...use a map...a compass...and a fist...if you have to...but come home...bridges are meant to be crossed over...
No matter how dark...no matter how rough...no matter how long...no matter how confusing...George Bailey...really...truly...
It's a wonderful life...
This is for those who have left too soon...too empty...too alone...
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