It's amazing to me that as soon as you start saying "it" out loud...anything...it becomes real...you feel unburdened and things start to connect. You know what I mean..."every time (this) happens, I do (this)..." and I've been taking everything very slowly...very slowly...because, I don't trust that my decisions are all positive and coming from a good place. So...when I thought I might cut my hair off...stylish but short...I didn't....
I was in sixth grade, when I was voted onto the safety patrol. I had never been voted on to anything, and suddenly...I was wearing a uniform with white gloves and a bright orange harness with a badge. I was in ecstasy...Every Thursday night, I washed and pressed my uniform...blue pants, white shirt, white gloves....and I polished my shoes and badge. For hours I practiced making sharp turns left and right, or standing at attention, in front of the mirror...and, on Friday morning I leaped out of bed, scrubbed my face, slicked my long hair into a high ponytail and put on my Tutti Frutti lip gloss. No one was prouder than I....
Of course...in my home war zone...my mom was diligent in her pursuit to cut me down to size and my increasing confidence levels had become quite the irritation of her life. One day she had me cornered...I can't even remember what I had done...that was always confusing for me...whatever it was...she asked if I had done it...and...in a moment of confusion and fear, I lied..."I didn't do it...no." She had me....and smiled as she dragged me to the bathroom...in front of the mirror..."We'll see how proud you are now...you're a liar and you don't deserve hair or your safety patrol badge"....and in seconds she cut off my hair...all of it to an inch all over my head...as I stood there staring at myself...The next day she walked me into my class and had me apologize to the entire class for being a liar...tell them that I didn't deserve to have hair and turn my badge over to my teacher...
That was decades ago...but it occurred to me...while I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself....contemplating the short style that I would sport...that she was still cutting my hair off...only my hands had taken over the task....every time I felt that I had failed in life. Failed marriage...I don't deserve my hair...husband cheats on me...I don't deserve my hair...wasn't at my friends bedside when she died...I don't deserve my hair...loss of people because of failed marriage...I don't deserve my hair...can't get beyond two dates with anyone...I don't deserve my hair...financially having to start over....I don't deserve my hair...being hit on by married men...I don't deserve my hair....sweet baby Jesus....I haven't been able to keep long hair beyond one year....ever...It's like I'm trapped in some tower by an evil mother and I keep cutting of my means of escape...my freedom...my confidence...my long hair...stop it...
It's Saturday...I don't have a date...no particular place to go...but I've thrown out the short hairstyle magazine...I just curled my long hair and pulled it up...on top of my head...letting tendrils fall by the sides of my face...I called and left a message for my hairstylist to do a deep condition treatment and trim after my payday....If my hair is an announcement of what type of person I am...then let it be so....I'm growing...I'm changing...I need to give myself extra attention...spend a little more time on myself...and be patient...everything takes time...
And for God's sake...remove myself from that tall dark tower that I have allowed myself to be locked in...it's time...Rapunzel...Rapunzel...let down your long hair....
Inspiring! pf
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