I Was So Busy Laughing that I Forgot to Cry...

I came home this evening quite sure of what I would be writing about....another soul searching post about another part of myself that I've never truthfully talked about.  Truthfully....I didn't have it in me.  I was avoiding talking about the subject that I had planned.  I watched a movie instead.

 I just randomly chose a movie that I felt would be mindless and offer escape.  In fact, I was preparing to just sit there and zone out.  Once again, my planned moment went out the window...the movie was funny....and, I was laughing.  I was laughing hard...loud...holding my stomach...cats running around the house (that's what they do when I laugh really loud)...because I was laughing so hard.  It felt good....REALLY good.

I realized that what I miss about losing people that I care about is laughing with them...something ridiculous or funny that makes us both laugh....Or, using my ability to make someone laugh to make them laugh...seeing their nose wrinkle up and all of their teeth flashing because they are laughing.  One time I made my ex laugh so hard he fell down.  One time he made me laugh so hard I drooled on myself.  My friend who passed away...we used to say things sideways to each and try to keep from laughing, while others were around.  She used to toss her head back and swing her hair and laugh with her whole face.  And, someone else who I lost this year would do things that made me laugh at the moment and hours later, when I was driving I'd start laughing again...I'd have to pull over, so I wouldn't drive off the road.

I love to laugh, but it is the most deeply pleasurable, when you can share it with someone else.  I want to have someone in my life again that I can lose myself with while laughing.  I want to fall over, holding my sides....I want to do stupid, dorky things and act like I'm twelve and have them capture it on their phone and periodically send it to me, so I can laugh again and again.  I want to not take my life so seriously.  I'm tired of feeling tired and old...used up...alone...and tossed aside.  I think I've felt like that most of my life....and, I like living...really taking a bite out of life...chewing it up and swallowing...and wiping my mouth on the inside of my collar, while  grinning from ear to ear.

So, tonight I did it by myself....with my cats Stan and Lacey McLace.....I laughed and they ran around.  I jumped up and down and they took flying leaps across the couch.  I spun around and Stan grabbed my leg...Lacey ran up her very tall scratching post and hung from the top.  I rolled on the floor and they jumped on top of me.  I was without another person, but I wasn't alone and I wasn't lonely....

....And....I was so busy laughing that I forgot to cry....