I am fifteen layers of stubborn. I mean I come from an ancestry of stubborn people...My mother was mentally ill and stubborn...All my friends are stubborn...I'm attracted to stubborn men...My astrological symbols are a combo of Aries and Taurus....a ram and a bull...Hellooo...even my colds hang on way too long and won't go away easily. And, the icing on the stubborn cake is that I make a living pushing for what my clients need. This was solidified today...when one of my clients, who struggles with a developmental disability, was asked in an interview what he would do if he was in trouble and needed help, stated firmly, "I'd call Mickie. She stands up for everybody and no one pushes her around." Ah...If he only knew....
My grandfather's favorite story of me was when I was two years old and my aunt was trying to help me down steep cement steps...as she reached for me, I waved my chubby arms around and raised my voice, "I can malk...I can malk..." (I had a bit of speech impediment for a few years)
I made it through my childhood years with my fists clenched and could never get it through my thick skull that contesting the craziness in my mother or standing up for my sisters would invariably result in the beating of the century....there were a lot of beatings during that century.
When I suffered severe head injuries due to standing up for myself...which resulted in struggling to learn...injury induced dyslexia and slowing in processing information....I fought like a tiger even though I didn't know what was going on....and at the age of ten....I fought through the healing process and attempted to do anything and everything that distracted people from knowing that I had a disability...which I didn't know I had. As a result, at 43 years old...it is barely noticeable...except when I'm under severe stress or very upset. In fact...when it surfaces....most people think I'm just "off my game."
My stubbornness has served me well over the years....I have accomplished a great many things and I'm proud of the fact that I actually have to verbalize what I have experienced for people to know that my life experiences have been out of the ordinary. So...with all of that incredible strength of will...you would think that I would only stubbornly pursue things that would bring me happiness....Ah...If only you knew....
The same iron grip that allows me to weather the storms of a relationship...any type of relationship...sabotages my ability to leave a relationship when it's truly over, or let go of someone who doesn't really want me, or who just wants me to be around...just in case....By God...there I am clinging to edge of the rooftop of a one story building...determined not to fall...even though it's just a ten foot drop...with bushes...a trampoline under me and the entire relationship fire department.
It is only when I weaken from the depression that rolls in due to emotional exhaustion that I let go. Then...after bouncing on the rebound trampoline a couple of times...I just lay there...unable to move. It isn't until I have had a long emotional nap that I am recharged and ready to be stubborn again.
So, here's the deal....Einstein said that the true definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...I think...maybe...that is finally getting through to me...and, not because I have a secret crush on Albert...because I do...I think that a lifetime of crisis and survival has led me to fight for everything...I mean emotionally fist fight....I think I'm an emotional cage fighter...I am Spartacus...but the fall from fighting and the exhaustion from keeping this up is...well...exhausting...
I believe it's time to try something else....instead of holding my breath until I'm blue....
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