I took a self-defense course a long time ago and the first night all we did was practice yelling "no." We yelled it at each other...we yelled it at the ceiling...we yelled it at the front of the room....and we yelled it at our imagined attacker. By the end of twelve weeks, I could yell "no," while completing elaborate maneuvers to extricate myself from an attack. I had yelled "no" so much that my voice started sounding like Demi Moore's. In fact, to this day, God help the person that attacks me...one of us will go to the morgue...and it won't be me...Basically, if there's a concrete attack of any kind, on my person, I become the Bruce Lee of white women....
But then, concrete attacks have never been an issue for me....it's the abstract, subtle ones...that leave me whispering "no?" Where was the course that would teach me to say "no" to the things that aren't concrete?...like..."No, honey, I don't want to move to NE Colorado...I think it's a bad idea for our marriage."...or..."No, why don't you drive two hours to my house, instead of my driving to yours twice a week." What about...."No...I don't want to go out with you again, because we have nothing in common."
But, even saying "no" to those things...though difficult for me...is not as difficult as saying "no" to myself. "No...you do not need that person, because they clearly don't need you." "No...that person is bad for you...if they cared they would not punish you." "No....don't be so willing to go to great lengths for him, when he has offered you nothing...except his curiosity."
Oh, there is a logical reason for this...cycle of abuse...childhood victim...never knowing where, why or how bad things would happen, so everything is questioned...including one's own sanity and the validity of the belief that what happened is wrong....didn't I suddenly sound like a counselor? Amazing....This is how I dazzle myself with brilliant rationalizations and rhetoric that conveniently distract me from how I victimize myself...day in and day out...I say "no" and then I say "I really didn't mean no..."
Quite frankly...I don't need anyone to treat me badly...as I actually do an excellent job on my own. The older I get the less that someone has to do to treat me poorly...I carry around a "treat me poorly" package that I give out when it comes to starting new relationships...any kind....and it is a miracle and a blessing when someone enters my life who slides the package back across the table and says "no...thanks."
So...I've put myself in a time out...emotionally...I've sent myself to the bathroom to sit on the edge of the tub and "think about it".....for 365 days....For 365 days, I won't be dating...I can be friends...have conversations...chat...text...email...even meet up for a meal or coffee...but nothing else...until I learn this lesson...until I get it through my thick skull to trust my first instinct...to believe in myself...to ask for what I want...to know what I deserve and except no less...to stop accepting crumbs, when I'm hungry...and to stop negotiating after the final answer has been given...
After all...enough is enough...if I don't cut this out, I will turn this blog around and send me to my room...I already gave myself the answer 'till I was blue in the face....no means no.....
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