I'll Save You a Seat...

Most of my life I have been a failure...I've failed to keep my family together...I've failed at marriage...I have failed to maintain personal financial stability...and I've failed many college classes...dropped them first...but failed...

I don't keep my weight from fluctuating...I often don't make my bed...I am not able to raise a dog...I can't help but bring hurt animals home...I irritate people...I go against the grain...I'm a rebel...in a geeky sort of way...My pie crust is less than average...I collect too much stuff...and over extend myself....

I don't work out regularly...and I have a weakness for birthday cake...I struggle sometimes from depression...and I can't have children...I want to be with people...but want to be alone...Sometimes...I cry in the shower...Sometimes...I skip a shower...I skip breakfast too...and...often...lunch...

I struggle with patience...and fall in love too quickly...I believe too long in the wrong people...and not long enough...in those who are right for me...and when I get fed up...I cut ties for good...but I believe in second chances...

I'm not  a joiner...I'm not a follower...I don't like to be tied down...but often do it to myself...I feel too much...and run my mouth more...I am empathetic...and a bulldozer...often at the same time...I am a true believer and....have never believed that anyone would really stay in my life...that I would always be alone...I am a fighter...for others...and a doormat...for those I love...

I know too much...and not enough...I have gifted instincts...and struggle to follow my gut...except...when there is food involved...and lately I am just tired...bone tired...with no patience or filter...and yet...today...all 133 of my students wrote essays for a state test...No one refused...Oh sure...ten wrote the fewest possible sentences...but all the rest...wrote with abandon...some used vocabulary words I had taught them...all in their best handwriting...and every single one of them agreed to retest in reading...to show how smart they really are...and fifty-one signed up for an additional study track...for no additional credit...because I offered...because I asked...and because...somehow...I led them to believe that they are amazing...and not failures...

I'm probably not doing anything right...I know I'm ticking people off...and I'm positive that when I die...I will go to a hell...that has icy water...where I will spend eternity in a rocking boat...because that's what I do...but I promise you...if you join me...I'll offer one...well..one hell of a ride...and don't worry about calling ahead...

I'll save you a seat...

Why Do You Like Me....

I know that I am supposed to understand...I'm intelligent...I'm clever...I've lived an experience filled life...I should know this...this should be a no brainer...but I'm lost...confused...and quite obviously...unaware...and vulnerable to the trap...the cruelty trap...Maybe...because I don't do it...I can't see it...especially...when it is headed right for me...

I am an idealist...I believe in "do overs"...I believe that goodness...should beget goodness...and yet...that isn't true...often kindness and vulnerability...just begets cruelty...I have seen it...in relationships...in others...in my former marriage...in soured friendships...even before the sour...in the workplace...everywhere...Even more interesting...is that cruelty usually comes...with the face of one you trust...or...are beginning to trust...and when that face is confronted...it usually smiles...and laughs saying you are mistaken...you misunderstood...you have a problem...you are emotional...all the while continuing to push buttons...to toy with you and...well...play...

And...in the midst of all this...there comes a phrase...one that you are asked to answer...In all cases...the question is twisted...twisted...in a way that compels you...and so you do...You explain...you push forward with more kindness...and all the while you feel your protections...stripped away...a piece of your soul is stolen...and you can almost see them pocket it...not to keep...but to sell on ebay...You've been rolled...and robbed...and you stagger away with cuts and scrapes...and two dead leaves residing in your tangled hair...and they are smiling...Your humiliation is their delight...

How did this happen?...What did I do to deserve this?...Can I keep this from happening again?...These are the questions you ask...as you lick your wounds...attempting to regain dignity...still that magical question dangled by the other...pulls you in on its tractor beam...

Of all the questions...asked of me...the one last night...has always been a red flag of reckless cat and mouse...and I have always tried to answer it...Here I sit again...I did care about you...I did think you good....and kind...and admirable...But now I see you are lost...adrift on a sea of self doubt...clinging to a board from your wrecked ship...Not that you wish to reach the shore...landing on solid ground...but you are more than willing to drag another down...use them as your raft...your life preserver...I mean...if you are drowning...why not drown another...

So...when you ask me...when you smile in my face...while I am trying to recover...I have to speak the truth...one set of truths I said last night...the other I will tell you today...Yesterday...I did for all the good I thought you were...and today I see you clearly...sadly...Yesterday...I said yes...I do...and to the why...I spoke honestly...from the heart...and I will do so again...

Why do you like me...I don't...not anymore..

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Normally...I don't make it a habit of revisiting what I have written...but I discovered...after my last post...that a few people were disturbed...in a variety of ways...about what I shared...So...to avoid mass hysteria...and to acknowledge those readers who are new to my...um...journey...I will catch you up on what is going down...

This collection of short essays...is just that...but they are filled with truths...my truths...I didn't start this to pull anyone down...or to shock anyone...I began this for me...As a woman who writes all the time...for a living...I had never pursued writing...as a profession...My initial initiative was to start those dream wheels turning...and to explore...openly and honestly...my life...why I found myself suddenly single...and what would I do with that...and with me...

Originally...I wrote every day...and it was good...good to write in that way...Now...that I am farther down my path...I don't really have the luxury of writing every moment...so my posts are further apart...But...at the end of the day...I don't give names...I don't blow anyone's covers...except my own...If this is a tell all...it's my tell all...so that I don't hide anymore...Actually...it's been amazing how this has changed my life...and others that have been affected with my butterfly effect...

As for the topic that I wrote yesterday...fear not...I am not standing on the edge of a cliff...staring into a great abyss...and testing for loose rocks to aid my fall...I simply shared my experience and how I had changed...and how I shared it openly...Although...I veiled the identity of the other individual...I put myself on front street...with an issue that is not as uncommon as one would think....

What I talked about...was very real...very eye opening...and very difficult...Anytime you make a serious commitment...with yourself...it's a big deal...huge...more powerful than Harry Potter's cloaking device...If you are worried that I am tumbling down a spiral of shame...there is less to worry about what I posted...and more to worry about the staircase leading to my loft...I may very well tumble down it one day...carrying all my teacher supplies...

So...rest your head...let your eyes closes...breathe evenly...and drift into a peaceful slumber...If I write about anyone...or any topic...I will first protect the source of my experience...and second...I can promise that what I write about you tomorrow...will...and forever shall be...

Ambiguously Anonymous...

Are You Lonesome Tonight....

I am very social...even though my ex spouse would tell you differently...When I was with him...there was no room for me...He sucked up all the energy in the room...and fought for the spotlight...which I don't do...So...now that there is room for me...I am constantly accruing friendships and social experiences...it's very fulfilling and pleasure filled...

I have also been forced into the dating arena...not an area where I have ever felt comfortable...Truthfully...it's been good practice for me...I've never really...really...faced it...And...so I am now...looking it dead in the eyes...The current humor filled comments...are that I always have a date...that I am dating everyone...and...I suppose that has been an honest assessment of my activities...since I found myself suddenly single...

For months...over the past...almost two years...I have enjoyed many encounters ...dinners... breakfasts...evenings of talk...a bottle of wine...coffee...and...well...other things...and...I suppose...I have been satisfied...at times...I have tried to keep myself open to the opportunity of longtime love...only to find that it isn't there...and so I have accepted momentary love...which isn't really love...and feels very empty...

I have been berated...for dating...I have been made fun of for...dating...I have been teased for...dating...and I have foolishly laid myself out for others...who said that they wanted to love me...and they didn't...for whatever reason...all the while...I was running as fast as I could... frantically treading water...Now...I can feel myself slow...almost to a stillness...so much so...that I am barely moving...

So...when the young man called me...and said I'd like to stop on my way through...and meet you...finally...I said sure...no fluttering heart...no mad dash to dress just right...no extra time on my hair and face...When he arrived...I continued setting up my apartment...We talked...I gave him pictures to hang...we emptied boxes...and when the night came...I shared my big bed...for sleeping...

As we laid there in the darkness...staring at the ceiling...the question came...would you be interested...could we...you know...I think you are hot...I said no...and then I spoke of the unspeakable things...the fact that I am tired of accepting the crumbs that are given me...that I would rather be alone...than entertain physical romps...that leave you feeling empty...in the light of day...

Someone loved me once...I think...and I told him what that was like...to have someone look at you...and feel deliciously exposed...to experience them looking right to your very soul...and seeing all the beautiful things about you...to be in the arms of someone...feeling their love move through their hands...and into your body...the ecstasy of their lips pressed against yours...when they don't want to leave your face...your eyes...your hair...and what it feels like to have the other...the fumbling...the awkward movements...the distant...shallow satisfaction...no feelings...no layers...no passion...just precision...

He silently listened...and then agreed that there wasn't much...to the other...but that he was okay with it...if I was...I said no...kindly...but no...I couldn't do it anymore...It wasn't fun...it wasn't interesting...it wasn't me...he pleaded with me...and I asked...will you remember me very long...after...he said no...I asked...will you remember that I said no...and told you why...he said...yes...I probably won't forget it...or you....He asked...what will you do...I said...I'm afraid that I will have no choice...that I will remain alone...that in not accepting base requests...I will just have friends...not what I have dreamed of...but something...

He held my hand....I held back my tears...You are really amazing...Thank you...I think if the timing were right...we would be good together...Possibly...I think so...You may be right...Mickie...Yes...

Are you lonesome tonight...yes...

It's A Little Bit Funny....

I want to say that I have it all figured out...why my marriage disintegrated...why I'm broke...why I'm okay with everything around me being chaos...why teaching fits me like a glove...why I never did this before...why my life was filled with huge quests...and I am now satisfied with things that are so simple...why I hid my talents...or why I shelved my gifts for others...why my life was so challenging starting out...and feels less complex each day...and why my cats want desperately for me to stay up all night with them...and why all of this makes me want to laugh...I mean really laugh...in a good way...

Outwardly...I guess I appear to be this huge risk taker...Inside...I feel as though...my choices are just common sense...and it's easier to just address things...and move forward...Sometimes...I look in the mirror...and I don't recognize myself...not in a negative way...I just never could imagine myself as this person...I'm not even sure what others see...when they look at me...It must be half way decent...because they keep coming around...and I re-iterate...I have no money...so it's not for the gifts...it is a bit comical...

So...what is it that draws people to others...What is it that makes one person the honey that bees are drawn to...and someone else...the vinegar...and not the kind used in dill pickles...I mean what did I do differently...I should be angry...I should be scared...I should be that statistic...that I was told I would be...and I'm not...I'm  at a loss...as to how I got here...I don't think my eight year old plans and dreams...were really enough to make this journey...or were they?...

I look into the faces of my kids...yes...my kids...my students...and I see that I really don't have answers for them...you know...the answers...but they do...each and every face has a map...for their future...So...does my face have that map...or have I reached the end of my travels?...If it's there...why can't I see it...and why doesn't that scare me anymore?...And...why do my students look into my face...and see a future...Where does that connection begin and end?...

All of these questions...all of them...should keep me up at night...but they don't...I'm not sad anymore...I'm not lonely...I'm okay...really okay...I have some details to work out...I'm getting older...I'm not always thrilled...but I can see the beauty or purpose...in almost everything I do...and I'm not that little girl...sitting on the edge of her bed...fists clenched...teeth locked...swearing that I won't ever be that...or that no one will take my dreams...I'm just okay...calm...peaceful...

I really just laugh a lot...sometimes...when I'm shaking my fists at the heavens...I can't help it...maybe...I've just forgiven myself...for being born into a start...not of my choosing...Maybe I actually feel...that I do deserve happiness...maybe...I don't want to be unhappy...maybe...I am my own creation...maybe there will come a time...that someone wants to be a part of that...this...this place that I have created...that would be my  final dream...let's say...Seems humorous...when you think about it...that's all I have left...maybe I wasn't ever really ready before...It's the only thing...that causes a twinge...

But...in the grand scheme of things...I don't worry about this either...it will find a way...to me...into my life...and that makes me smile...life is good...not kind...just good...like my cats...who are sleeping...after a long night of keeping me up...It's just one big toothy grin...

Really...it's just a little bit funny...

I'm Picking Up What You're Putting Down...

I say it all the time...Someone will make a statement...look to me to respond...and I will...I'm picking up what you are putting down...mutual understanding...It's been almost a week of working with the 140 bright...shiny faced students...brilliant...irrepressible charm and energy...and eager...to learn...to succeed...to be seen...I chose to connect with them through writing...anything...everything...and I did...I'm doing it...

Three days...and I'm in...for the most part...Lots of questions...lots of concerns...lots of wonderment...all from them...and from me too...But each interaction...is a silent acknowledgement of my understanding...my picking up the spirit stick of support for them...They see i... and respond...and I respond to their response...

Ms. Lewis...I don't understand...do you understand what I mean?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm not sure I know how to do this...do you hear me asking for your help?....I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't want anyone one to know that I can't read...can you help me without drawing attention?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm a Senior and I'm in a Sophomore class...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...All our teachers leave...will you?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I just want to pass...do you think you can help me do that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down....

Ms. Lewis...I'm in foster care...and I don't want anyone to know...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm silent...but I'm listening...please don't give up on me...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I think I might want to be just like you...is that possible?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm difficult...can you work with that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I have a bad attitude...but I'm not bad...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't know how to write anything good about myself...I've never heard anything to draw from...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

The list goes on and on...and on...I suppose I should be overwhelmed...but I'm not...I'm honored...honored that in three short days...they would start to show me this...that they would reach out...even in silence...or loud outbursts...just a little bit of resilience left...placed in front of me...I wonder at their belief that I deserve this...I'll do this...I'm not leaving...I'm not their parent...their sibling...their counselor...I'm just a teacher...but don't you worry honey...you can call yourself names...you can try to stop believing in yourself...I won't stop...I won't give up ...I won't walk away...I'll be here...until I can't stand any longer...no matter what painful labels...you put on yourself...

I'm picking up what you're putting down...

Making Lemmings into Lemonade...

Everyone has their core issue...usually...it is a strength that is also a weakness...mine is not being a very good follower...I'm not good at being an Indian...I naturally lean toward being a chief...What that means...is that I step up to the plate...constantly...It's an easier transition for me to organize...analyze...and produce for groups...and if there is a group project I'm involved in...I know how to align our goals...delegate responsibilities...hone talents...keep humor in the mix...and all under the auspices that I am not in charge...but I am...In all...I am not a Lemming...best case...I am a wolf in Lemming clothing...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the terminology...I'll take charge and give you the 4-1-1...A Lemming is a small rodent...motivated by irrepressible biological urges that will drive hundreds of them to their death in deep water...all for the purpose of following...following urges...following the leader...the call...and the crowd...If I were a Lemming...I would be the one that would split off from the herd and start building a bridge...at the other end of the river...

So...what have I done?...I joined a monstrously...huge organization...that has to maintain a strict structure...to ensure that it's people succeed...and don't make a mess of their vision...But then...I tend to have my own vision...much to the chagrin of others...in my life...A short phone call to my mother...will verify that I have the gift of getting under someone's skin...and irritating them...with the question...why?...why?...why?...I like to serve that with a side of ...here's my thoughts...

Now...it would be easy to assume that this aspect of my personality...is designed to rebel...to get on people's nerves...to go against the grain...In reality...it is just a part of my nature..it is what has saved my life...my sanity...and led me to help others...in ways that break cycles...crack the catch -22's...and catapult others to exciting heights...Because of my processes...many have sharpened sticks into darts...and dipped them in back's of poisonous toads...waiting for me to walk by...I have my fair share of dings and scratches...from a blow dart...

While others have been struggling with lack of sleep...fear of deadlines...personal conflicts...and the challenges that go along with truly being out on your own...for the first time...I have been battling the urge to redesign...to coordinate a movement...to raise my hand...every fifteen minutes and advise...how annoying....obviously...And...yet...even I have a multitude of moments...where I cannot fight anymore against the waves of faces racing to...like ants...like schools of fish...like lemmings...

At the end of each day....exhaustion overtakes me...and I am no longer hungry...just parched...thirsty in a way that no water can quench...Maybe I just need to slow down...long enough to get a drink...something that will re-hydrate my motivation...something that will take me through to the end...and ...hey...it looks like everyone else is holding a cup...except me...I've been too busy trying to direct traffic...on the shaded side of the street....Maybe I just need to step over to the sunnier side...and follow for awhile...instead of lead...and while I'm moving with the crowd...instead of against it...maybe I'll get that thirst quenching liquid that I need...I can almost see the pitcher now...

It looks like someone is making lemmings into lemonade...