It's A Little Bit Funny....

I want to say that I have it all figured out...why my marriage disintegrated...why I'm broke...why I'm okay with everything around me being chaos...why teaching fits me like a glove...why I never did this before...why my life was filled with huge quests...and I am now satisfied with things that are so simple...why I hid my talents...or why I shelved my gifts for others...why my life was so challenging starting out...and feels less complex each day...and why my cats want desperately for me to stay up all night with them...and why all of this makes me want to laugh...I mean really laugh...in a good way...

Outwardly...I guess I appear to be this huge risk taker...Inside...I feel as though...my choices are just common sense...and it's easier to just address things...and move forward...Sometimes...I look in the mirror...and I don't recognize myself...not in a negative way...I just never could imagine myself as this person...I'm not even sure what others see...when they look at me...It must be half way decent...because they keep coming around...and I re-iterate...I have no money...so it's not for the gifts...it is a bit comical...

So...what is it that draws people to others...What is it that makes one person the honey that bees are drawn to...and someone else...the vinegar...and not the kind used in dill pickles...I mean what did I do differently...I should be angry...I should be scared...I should be that statistic...that I was told I would be...and I'm not...I'm  at a loss...as to how I got here...I don't think my eight year old plans and dreams...were really enough to make this journey...or were they?...

I look into the faces of my kids...yes...my kids...my students...and I see that I really don't have answers for them...you know...the answers...but they do...each and every face has a map...for their future...So...does my face have that map...or have I reached the end of my travels?...If it's there...why can't I see it...and why doesn't that scare me anymore?...And...why do my students look into my face...and see a future...Where does that connection begin and end?...

All of these questions...all of them...should keep me up at night...but they don't...I'm not sad anymore...I'm not lonely...I'm okay...really okay...I have some details to work out...I'm getting older...I'm not always thrilled...but I can see the beauty or purpose...in almost everything I do...and I'm not that little girl...sitting on the edge of her bed...fists clenched...teeth locked...swearing that I won't ever be that...or that no one will take my dreams...I'm just okay...calm...peaceful...

I really just laugh a lot...sometimes...when I'm shaking my fists at the heavens...I can't help it...maybe...I've just forgiven myself...for being born into a start...not of my choosing...Maybe I actually feel...that I do deserve happiness...maybe...I don't want to be unhappy...maybe...I am my own creation...maybe there will come a time...that someone wants to be a part of that...this...this place that I have created...that would be my  final dream...let's say...Seems humorous...when you think about it...that's all I have left...maybe I wasn't ever really ready before...It's the only thing...that causes a twinge...

But...in the grand scheme of things...I don't worry about this either...it will find a way...to me...into my life...and that makes me smile...life is good...not kind...just good...like my cats...who are sleeping...after a long night of keeping me up...It's just one big toothy grin...

Really...it's just a little bit funny...

I'm Picking Up What You're Putting Down...

I say it all the time...Someone will make a statement...look to me to respond...and I will...I'm picking up what you are putting down...mutual understanding...It's been almost a week of working with the 140 bright...shiny faced students...brilliant...irrepressible charm and energy...and eager...to learn...to succeed...to be seen...I chose to connect with them through writing...anything...everything...and I did...I'm doing it...

Three days...and I'm in...for the most part...Lots of questions...lots of concerns...lots of wonderment...all from them...and from me too...But each interaction...is a silent acknowledgement of my understanding...my picking up the spirit stick of support for them...They see i... and respond...and I respond to their response...

Ms. Lewis...I don't understand...do you understand what I mean?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm not sure I know how to do this...do you hear me asking for your help?....I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't want anyone one to know that I can't read...can you help me without drawing attention?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm a Senior and I'm in a Sophomore class...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...All our teachers leave...will you?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I just want to pass...do you think you can help me do that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down....

Ms. Lewis...I'm in foster care...and I don't want anyone to know...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm silent...but I'm listening...please don't give up on me...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I think I might want to be just like you...is that possible?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I'm difficult...can you work with that?...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I have a bad attitude...but I'm not bad...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

Ms. Lewis...I don't know how to write anything good about myself...I've never heard anything to draw from...I'm picking up what you are putting down...

The list goes on and on...and on...I suppose I should be overwhelmed...but I'm not...I'm honored...honored that in three short days...they would start to show me this...that they would reach out...even in silence...or loud outbursts...just a little bit of resilience left...placed in front of me...I wonder at their belief that I deserve this...I'll do this...I'm not leaving...I'm not their parent...their sibling...their counselor...I'm just a teacher...but don't you worry honey...you can call yourself names...you can try to stop believing in yourself...I won't stop...I won't give up ...I won't walk away...I'll be here...until I can't stand any longer...no matter what painful labels...you put on yourself...

I'm picking up what you're putting down...

Making Lemmings into Lemonade...

Everyone has their core issue...usually...it is a strength that is also a weakness...mine is not being a very good follower...I'm not good at being an Indian...I naturally lean toward being a chief...What that means...is that I step up to the plate...constantly...It's an easier transition for me to organize...analyze...and produce for groups...and if there is a group project I'm involved in...I know how to align our goals...delegate responsibilities...hone talents...keep humor in the mix...and all under the auspices that I am not in charge...but I am...In all...I am not a Lemming...best case...I am a wolf in Lemming clothing...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the terminology...I'll take charge and give you the 4-1-1...A Lemming is a small rodent...motivated by irrepressible biological urges that will drive hundreds of them to their death in deep water...all for the purpose of following...following urges...following the leader...the call...and the crowd...If I were a Lemming...I would be the one that would split off from the herd and start building a bridge...at the other end of the river...

So...what have I done?...I joined a monstrously...huge organization...that has to maintain a strict structure...to ensure that it's people succeed...and don't make a mess of their vision...But then...I tend to have my own vision...much to the chagrin of others...in my life...A short phone call to my mother...will verify that I have the gift of getting under someone's skin...and irritating them...with the question...why?...why?...why?...I like to serve that with a side of ...here's my thoughts...

Now...it would be easy to assume that this aspect of my personality...is designed to rebel...to get on people's nerves...to go against the grain...In reality...it is just a part of my nature..it is what has saved my life...my sanity...and led me to help others...in ways that break cycles...crack the catch -22's...and catapult others to exciting heights...Because of my processes...many have sharpened sticks into darts...and dipped them in back's of poisonous toads...waiting for me to walk by...I have my fair share of dings and scratches...from a blow dart...

While others have been struggling with lack of sleep...fear of deadlines...personal conflicts...and the challenges that go along with truly being out on your own...for the first time...I have been battling the urge to redesign...to coordinate a movement...to raise my hand...every fifteen minutes and advise...how annoying....obviously...And...yet...even I have a multitude of moments...where I cannot fight anymore against the waves of faces racing to...like ants...like schools of fish...like lemmings...

At the end of each day....exhaustion overtakes me...and I am no longer hungry...just parched...thirsty in a way that no water can quench...Maybe I just need to slow down...long enough to get a drink...something that will re-hydrate my motivation...something that will take me through to the end...and ...hey...it looks like everyone else is holding a cup...except me...I've been too busy trying to direct traffic...on the shaded side of the street....Maybe I just need to step over to the sunnier side...and follow for awhile...instead of lead...and while I'm moving with the crowd...instead of against it...maybe I'll get that thirst quenching liquid that I need...I can almost see the pitcher now...

It looks like someone is making lemmings into lemonade...

I'm Just...uh...Behind...

Just when I thought my writing was broken...stunted...blocked...I sat down and wrote for pleasure again...For months...I have been chasing my tail...racing behind missed buses...failing to turn things in on time...and...feeling the feelings of a failure ( I was even called that)...Mostly...I have just felt like an ass...all the time...Then I felt like an ass because I wasn't writing my blog...

Yesterday...in the midst of organizing months of work...that I never had time to organize...I saw that I had been writing all the time...my words...my thoughts...At first...I was verbally fighting back...against the asses that surrounded me...in various forms...The day I stopped writing for me...was the day that I finally nodded my head and agreed...You are right...I can't do this...I'm not smart enough...I am a failure...Secretly...I'm an ass...

I cried a lot...in my bed...I slept little...all the while having my dignity stripped each day...discovering who really cared about me...and who just found me entertaining...until...I wasn't entertaining anymore...Who needed me...until I needed them...then all I could see was their backside...as they scurried away...Through it all...I kept backing it up...to the plate...The pressure of it all...has made it difficult to discern what I miss...as I walk away...from what I have known...and crawl toward my future...

Today...I felt it though...that surge of fresh air in my lungs...as I said...don't you worry...so we don't have money for a Drama Club...I'm the Macguyver of theater...a gum wrapper...two sheets of paper and a thumb tack...and we'll have a program...There I was...suddenly...I could see my writing everywhere...on scraps of paper...corners of books...pamphlets...assignments...I hadn't lost my voice...just misplaced it...while my butt was hung out to dry...my conscious mind was just trying to survive...but my inner voice...was holding the torch...not dropping the spirit stick...

I was reminded of all my people...the hundreds of ones...that I have worked with...and how they cried many times...in my office...when will this end...and I said...you have to believe in yourself...you are doing the right things...you are not failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding your real strength...you are not making a fool of yourself...

There it was...today...when I looked in the mirror...when I spoke up...when I felt my inner power...I wasn't failing...just stumbling...just struggling...just finding my real strength...not making a fool of myself...I wasn't and ass...

I'm just...uh...behind...

I Yam What I Yam...

For some odd reason...I loved watching Popeye when I was a kid...I don't have a predisposition for sailors...It's sort of a boy's cartoon...and Olive Oyle...was not attractive...so...it wasn't my goal to emulate her...but...nevertheless...I was drawn to Popeye...and his ability to commit to action...and never apologize for that commitment...He also ate a lot of spinach...

I liked the way he powered up...for tough situations...That he remained faithful to...well...a woman who had the forced potential to be a wallflower...and he still was not perfect...Let's face it...he lost Sweetpea all the time...Why I remember all of this is beyond me...or maybe not...I march to the beat of my own drum...I only cook with olive oil...I call my cat my little sweetpea...and I eat a lot of spinach too...

So...it seems only logical that I would also never apologize for my commitment to my passions...what I believe in...or believing others...in a way that transcends all adversity...including my own...This past year...has brought me to a place...where I refuse to apologize for my actions...for my weaknesses...and for excelling...in what I do...Popeye never knocked a bad guy for a loop...and then said...oh I'm so sorry for stopping you from making everyone miserable...Spinach or no spinach...he just didn't put up with nonsense...why should I?

Just like Popeye's biceps...I realize that sticking to my guns...makes me stand out...in a way that is not always comfortable...but really...who cares...I often wonder if people find certain behavior uncomfortably real...because they feel that it is a personal statement against them...I wonder if status quo makes others feel satisfied...because someone else going against the grain...might suggest that they are scared...scared of risking...embarrassment...awkwardness...or making mistakes...but then...isn't it a greater mistake to stand still and allow the water to remain calm...

I don't claim to have all the answers...hell...I might be lucky if I have two correct answers...in my lifetime...but the only thing that I will ever apologize for again...in my endeavors...is hurting another person...I will never stop rocking the boat...everyone is invited to the gun show...that I'm sticking by...I'm not sorry for my failures...or my successes...and powering up for my next challenge...is just a can of spinach away...

So...don't like me...don't like my tactics...don't like my creativity...don't like my risk taking...don't like my vulnerability...I like me...I love me...I'm not perfect...and I wouldn't want to be...how boring...and unimaginative...how fascinating life is...with all of it's imperfections and colors...and with all the words to describe my essence...I think Popeye said it best...

I yam what I yam...

I Now Pronounce You...

Elizabeth I was a striking woman...She had a head of red hair...and a head for business...stubborn...clever tongued and loved to dance...She also had a passion for men...She had within her a romantic heart and deep desires for intimate relationships with male counterparts...She also wanted a child...It was only through her ladies in waiting...that she lived vicariously...often placing them in the path of the very men...she desired herself...

Early in her...well...career...she came to understand that...in order to do great things...she could not have everything...She confronted the piercing...heartbreaking decision that...her weakness for men...would be a weakness in her life...and struggled with the tug of desire versus duty...

Now...there is no doubt in my mind that she attempted to sort through the royal possibilities...on Chivalry.com...and...probably...quite often believed that connection to be dead...She had her share of spending five hours dressing up...putting on her make-up...only to discover that the one who made her heart flutter...did not show up to the ball...or was married...or had syphilis...In any case...she had her share of disappointments...

But...I wonder what it would have been like...to share the day she fell in love...with her country...I wonder...if she looked around...and saw the green trees...soft rain...the glistening water...and the warmth...and strength of the people of the land...and realized she was already being courted...that she had...somehow...found herself in a the greatest relationship...she would ever experience...

I wonder of...the moment she felt her heart swell...in her breast...and her hand slipped into the hand...of a time and land that was all too eager...to love her back...When did she first feel the embrace...of rich culture...or spoon at night...with the deeply rooted...passionate...and pleading place...And...what did she look like...when it knelt...before her and asked for her hand...and she said yes...

I wonder...if it felt anything like I feel...I wonder if she too...stopped feeling lost...I wonder if she too...felt everything slip away...I wonder if she too felt comfort...the first time she laid in its' arms...I wonder if she too...knew she was home...

Some part of me believes she did...I couldn't possibly be the first to gaze...into a dark sky...and see my future...to see my love...my spouse...the one that I have waited for...my entire life...to feel the moist air...kiss my lips...and the breeze stroke my hair...It seems I have loved you...so long...and that I have spent my life...making my way to your arms...And...as you kneel before me...all I can say is yes...yes...yes...

Elizabeth I...awoke one day...and knew that she had said yes too...She found that she could not live without her land...that it would prove to be her greatest love...So it is for me...and the Mississippi Delta...I give you my hand...offer myself to you...and promise to be faithful...in sickness...and in health...for richer...for poorer...till death do us part...And...as I drift off to sleep...I believe I hear the stars saying...

I now pronounce you...

I'll Racist You to the Finish Line...

I was on the phone...speaking with someone who was interested in dating me...We had spoken several times...I told him what I do for a living...check...I am passionate about helping people...check...I believe in all people...check...in the goodness and brilliance...that we all possess...check...and then the question came at me...from left field...Do you socialize with them?...Them who?...You know...them...I didn't know what he was asking....

Several vague...but adamant questions later...I began to make my deductions...as to what he was asking...Do I socialize with anyone who isn't white?...My answer...without thought...Who do you think you are...to even ask that question?  But...beyond telling him that I wasn't interested in speaking with him again...I didn't know what to say...

This happened several weeks ago...and I think about this all the time...I had to ask myself...if I had said enough...if I had a responsibility to do more...I'm color blind...and I have no family...so I haven't found myself in situations where I've been asked to make decisions that eliminate anyone from my life...But...I had to ask myself if that was a blessing or a curse...

I was accused of not having a stance on anything...that I had no value system...and I feel that I do...should I be doing more?  Somehow...I felt guilty...somewhere deep inside...that I had...by not having to deal with racism...in my own life...had somehow sidestepped important issues...had bypassed taking a stand...and this has weighed heavy on my heart...

I began to think about all of the people who had made racist jokes around me...or side comments...or bold...negative statements...and I knew that I hadn't stepped up to the plate...and made a solid stand...I had silently given a disapproving look...or just walked away...And I had to ask...was that really enough?

I feel that I have failed...in some way...to wear my color blindness as a badge of honor...I'm seeing that now...as I argue and debate...over the topics that will be talked about in my future classes...I see that I owe my students...unwavering courage in talking about tough topics...allowing them to ask tough questions of me...and that my family will be one of many colors...and I should defend my family...Just being color blind is not enough...It can't be my excuse...I am too old and too experienced to be naive...

So...I begin now...there is nothing more beautiful than a smiling face...yesterday...I made an African American man blush a lovely crimson...today...I held a Hispanic woman's hand...next week I will teach round...smiling faces that don't have to use the same SPF as I...I can tell you...that many of my most wonderful friends...have amazing cocoa skin...that I would give anything to have...and not one of my friends...no matter what their pigmentation...is less amazing than the other...I am only too grateful that I have not been judged by my hair...or my weight...or my smile...or my learning disability...by them...

Bigotry is a problem...it's a disease...a disease of the mind...You would think that we would be tired of it...worn out to the core...all this running in fear...running in packs...running over this issue...Life is not about this sort of race...It can't be won...by anyone...and quite frankly...it's getting a little old having some one turn to me and say....

I'll racist you to the finish line...