Feed Me Seymour....

I was eighteen when I played the plant in Little Shop of Horrors...The director told me that she had never seen anyone connect with an inanimate object like I did...I brought to life the hungry need of the plant...At the time...I was flattered...I saw myself as a great puppeteer...looking back...I realize that I connected with the responsibility of breathing life into something...because I have lived much of my life as puppet...not for others...but for that need to feed that hungry beast that eats me up inside...

Coming out of the gate...I am a racehorse...I am Seabiscuit...I am Secretariat...By the time I round the third turn...I am the old pony at a kid's birthday...Coming out of the gate...I am ripe with the possibilities of success... and with each pass of the track...I begin to watch the other horses...their grace...their speed...how gallant they are...or fierce...Then I notice the nicks and scratches on my legs...the knobby knees...the unusual gait I have...my coloring is different...and...inside...I feel the hungry beast that eats my confidence...It is then that I finish second...at the end...the very end...I give up some tiny part of myself...

I used to think that what I gave up was so small...that it didn't mean anything...But that isn't true...eventually it adds up...and what used to be nicks and little gouges...becomes your leg or your arm...actually...it's belief in yourself...belief that you deserve what is waiting for you...at the finish line...Although I have crossed many finish lines...rarely have I won...especially when I knew I was competing...especially in love...

My youth taught me that no who had any power loved me...and those that tried would never be allowed to survive...So...I took what was offered to me...I didn't question...and when someone walked away...I just picked up my marbles....and went home...I did that in my divorce...He decided to leave...and I packed him up and out the door...in three hours...and he was thankful for it...

Now...I find myself on the track again...I know where the finish is...and who is standing on the line...and I already feel myself weakening...because...why would he wait for me?...why would he want someone dinged and damaged?....There it is...I believe that I am damaged...inside...and of course I am...that little monster....that has become so great....has been eating away at me...since the beginning of my time...It's a wonder that there is anything left...

It is time that I fight back...that I back the beast off...It is time that I become the puppeteer...instead of the puppet...It is time that I take charge of my future...and my future love...not the person...but the feelings...It is time that I allow myself to feel hunger...and reach out...stretch toward what I want...and never take my eye off the prize...because the prize is watching me...watching to see if I have the courage...the strength to endure...it all...Because if I give up during the race...I won't value the prize...

If I'm going to do this right...I need something to keep my strength up....I need nourishment...

Feed me Seymour...

Tick Tock...Tick Tock...

I have a clock on my wall...I love it...but...truth be known...it never runs properly...I try to wind it evenly...There are two gears...and even when I try to keep it balanced...it always runs ahead of schedule...At the end of it's thirty day run...it is at least two hours ahead of schedule...It is a concrete metaphor for the way that I run...way ahead of schedule...Even when I am wound evenly...I am wound too tight...and..so...I love it more...because I see myself whenever I look at it...

Someone I was very close to...had a clock that bore his name...It moved along in perfect time...and had a very quiet whirring sound...so quiet...that many never knew it was there...He was very ill...and as his illness progressed...the clock slowed...until one day...the moment he died...At that moment the clock stopped...and never ran again...I know this...because I was there...

I am eternally at peace with the realities of the inner workings of things...people...and relationships....I see beauty in the things that others see as flaws...I am flawed...seeing flaws elsewhere fills me with comfort...it offers a sense of peace...because I will never be perfect....and I don't want perfect...I want human...

Having said this...I find that in my life there are many clocks that surround me...and many of them are empty...They represent time ticking away...but if you were to open the body...there are no gears...People are pointing at it...saying...we'd better hurry...or...we'd better slow down...They say...it will come in time...or...time is running out...Yet...I wonder...how can anything be happening when the guts are not there...they are gone...they were never there...someone stole them....

Just because a clock presents as a clock...doesn't mean that it works like one...Sometimes the force of a hand does nothing to change how it runs...and without the gears...how can anyone expect it to run at all?  I think sometimes a clock isn't about telling time...Sometimes a clock whispers how things are not working...how a life moves forward and how it often just stops...I believe that we have a very intimate relationship with clocks...they remind us of how much time we have left...

I suppose I should fear the timepieces that fill my life...I should try and stifle my inner clock...but why?  What purpose would that serve...It is the things I own that just sit...that express what is stale and wasting in my life...The clock on my wall...although endlessly ahead of schedule...is the only belonging I have that never seems to collect dust...It is always moving and reminding me that this too shall pass...and several hours from now...this pain or discomfort will be replaced with other experiences...

Maybe I need another on my wall...so that my house will be filled with the beating and chiming of two...instead of just one that is wound too tight...until then...there is just one clock...

Tick tock...tick tock...

And...Scene...

I am a graduate of the American Academy of Dramatic Arts...and I am proud of the work I did while there...I'm also proud to be a classically trained actor...I'm even proud that I was forced to study mime...even though I'm good at it...and can't stand it at the same time...Having said all this...I need to share that I hate drama...And...guess what this last year has been full of....drama...

I enjoy the excitement that comes with new things...the butterflies...the anticipation...the fantastical experiences...It's invigorating...it makes you feel alive...fresh...reborn...Here's what drama feels like...acid stomach...sleepless nights...dry skin...chewed nails...and you feel inevitably old...worn down and out...Gee...I don't know why I wouldn't enjoy that...so many other people do...or so it seems...

I see it in my clients...everything is calm and even...then I receive the frantic call...filled with drama...drama...drama...They aren't satisfied with a scene well played...it has to mirror the helicopter scene in Miss Saigon...So..they will go back and re-do an event...until it is ripe with drama...No one passes away...they are die at murderous hands...No one breaks up...they bitterly fight...clawing and swinging...and somehow...someone ends up pregnant...but they don't know who's child it is...

So...as this past year has progressed...into this year...I have attempted to grasp opportunities of peace...but...just when my fingertips brush calm...some drama develops...and there I stand mouthing "what the....?"  With humble honesty...I accept responsibility for my struggle with lightning responses to triggers based on my experiences...Here's what other responses I accept responsibility for....

• Just because I am in transition from a very painful year...doesn't mean that I live in that place...no one has the right to categorize me as a particular type of person...based on a year of major trial...period...

• I am not desperate...I am reaching out...I am trying everything...desperation sounds like this..."please! please! please!..."...period...

• If you have heard me say..."please! please! please!..." and you have responded in a passive aggressive way...that "please! please! please!..." was your one opportunity...anything after becomes a fruitless game...you get one chance to jerk me around...one...period...

• My willingness to be kind...is my unwillingness to be angry inside...I have been angry most of my life...I'm tired of it...it's a waste...period...

• If you have been cruel to me...and then I'm kind to you...it's pretend...once I get past the pain...I don't feel anything for you...but that can change over time...I may care for you again...but I will never trust you again...period...

• Yes...I do struggle with the fear of losing people I love...I have lost almost everyone I've ever loved...some have been beyond my control...some were those I loved even when it was bad for me...many have died...and some I loved even thought they didn't love...even hated me...that started with birth...This isn't drama...this is real...maybe not for you...but I'm not you...I'm me...I'm sorry you aren't comfortable with my life...but tough...If this is worst you ever experience...great...I actually do a pretty damn good job moving forward in life...making lemonade out of the lemons I've been handed...deal with it...period...

• You don't have to like everything I do...I don't like everything you do...I can guarantee that...that's why we are two different people...Even identical twins don't do everything the same as the other...period...

• I am your friend or lover....not your entertainer...I'm sorry that I have things that I have to deal with...that's called life...I'm not on earth to spend all of my time keeping you happy as you deal with life's challenges...Friendship is...I'm there for you when life is difficult...and you let me help you...and vice versa...period...

• Conversely...I'm not your punching bag...don't treat me like crap...period...

• I don't like being talked down to...or analyzed...any more than you do...I don't know you more than you do...and you don't know me more than I do...we can just see each other more objectively...period...

• If you just want me to listen...tell me up front...I process verbally...don't yell me at after you haven't told me what you need...period...

• Lastly...if there is something that needs to be worked out...just work it out...don't dictate how I need to twist myself up to work things out for both of us...It doesn't need to turn into a three act play...talking over the phone is fine...meeting up when it works for both is fine...Basically...if we were three thousand miles apart...I wouldn't drive five days to meet you face to face...I'm not rich...If you are in my life...you probably aren't either...you make an effort...I'll make an effort...If one of us isn't making an effort...then it probably isn't a worthwhile activity...pretty simple...period...

Even though this has been a long monologue...please don't consider this a dramatic reading...I'm not crying...I'm not shaking my fists at the heavens...and I don't have "I'm psycho" eyes and a working jaw...I am simply stating facts...Probably...you have facts of your own...maybe you should state them too...just to put them out into the universe...That doesn't mean that I have to take them to heart...They may not be about me anyway...

And...scene...

Blind Faith...

I have a refurbished antique radio cabinet in my bedroom....and on top of it is the statuette of a famous sculpture...Eros and Psyche...When I was a child...I read all the mythologies...and the one that crept into my soul was their story...

Eros...the son of Aphrodite...fell in love with Psyche...a king's daughter...He couldn't let her know who he was...so he sent a messenger to ask for Psyche's hand...the family agreed...and off she went...to meet her lover...sight unseen...He came to her each night...in the dark...and made love to her...and...although she can't see him...she feels that he is beautiful...

Of course...after friends and family tell her this is weird...and he couldn't possibly be this wonderful man who cares for...because she can't see him...and they can't see him...she lights a candle in the bed chamber...after he is asleep...And...yes...he is beauty...and love's perfection...He awakes and cries because she did not believe him...and they are forever separated...because she could not believe in something she could not see with her own eyes....

I have always striven to believe without seeing...and...as any client I have worked with can tell you...I can believe for other people...I can lead them to the fountain of dreams...where they can drink in whatever they desire...As for myself...I struggle daily...with my inability to believe in others...namely those closest to me...and so...I am quicker to believe the negative...than I am...to believe the positive...

I am Psyche...I often disbelieve so much...that I will drive a person to do the very thing I am afraid of...I am quite sure that I have lost much...for this reason...And now...I am in an unexpected relationship...and I have a choice...I can believe that because there is great distance between us...it will not work...that he has created this distance...Or I can choose to believe that even in the dark of night...he is with me...That his desire is mine...And that sometimes...things do work out...People do fall in love...and were meant to be together...

And then...maybe it's not the other person that I don't believe...Maybe...I don't believe I deserve to have someone be true to me...Maybe...I don't believe that I deserve the love of another...Maybe...I don't really know what it feels like to be loved...truly loved...deeply loved...and when it is offered...I am often blind to it...I wonder what it would be like to believe...to my core....that a person is there for me...that they see me as I am...I don't know what that would look like...but maybe it's time...

...for blind faith...

Let It Burn...

Relationships are the greatest force in life...Relationships with friends...family...lovers...and with ourselves...When I say greatest force...I mean it in the sense that to all things there is a positive....and a negative...Sometimes...you can be positive that the terms of the relationship will last forever...and the response you receive from the other party is negative...Marriages can end...Friendships fall apart...Family can turn their back on you...and you can betray yourself...in ways that no other can...

When I was young...I believed I had the power to do great things...I believed that...if I opened my mouth and spoke...or if I wrote words on paper...it would come to pass...that I had the power to bring thoughts to life...and that others would be drawn to me...because of this power....During the past decade...I have seen dreams...relationships and my beliefs...turn to ash...and my reflection has been one covered in soot...In effect...my injuries were of the 3rd degree...and the end of last year...found me tired and scorched....to the bone...I felt that my entire life had gone up in smoke...Sometimes it feels like that when you stand too close to the fire...

The funny thing about flames...they have a life of their own...and they respond to the elements...form a connection...dance the dance...romance the entity that it touches...and although these flames have the power to destroy...they also cleanse and purify...The strongest..and longest lasting fires...begin slowly...gaining in strength...and become a force to reckon with...whereas...a flash fire...can burn itself out...as quick as it began...

I believe that all of my relationships...until last year...have been these flash fires...intense...powerful...and burning so brightly and fiercely...that they could not maintain enough oxygen to live...they ate everything...and so they extinguished themselves...And now...that I have been stripped of my dreams of the past...and the charred remains have blown away in the wind...I stand...naked and new...and everything is a possibility...because I'm not just starting over...I'm starting...The new skin of my future is fresh and clean...and...at my feet are the glowing embers of the new path I am on...and only slight curls of smoke rise...instead of the billowing...blinding smoke of before...

I think I might be on fire...but I'm not sure...I can only feel the heat..beginning to rise...and I am being romanced by tiny flames of new ideas...and tiny flames lick at the picture of my future...I've been set on fire before...but now I believe the relationship that I am developing with myself...is me standing in the birth of a  blaze...

Somehow...this time it feels warm and welcoming...this is a fire of my making...and I choose not to rush to build it into a bonfire...I choose to keep the temperature comfortable...so that others can stand there with me...I am not running from it or to it...I am just standing still...and letting the ashes fall as they may...And...as I wait for the pyre to grow higher...around me...I have to say...

Let it burn...

So You Say...

I am focused on my core issue...relationships...and even as I zero in on what has been ailing me...my entire life...I just had a conversation with a good friend about our society's loss of humanity...A man was beaten...robbed...and stripped of his clothing...and dignity...and two people caught it all on video...(pause)....two people caught it on video...I hope I don't need to say that again...two people caught it on video...I'm not sure what cuts me to the quick more...the fact that several random people came together to victimize this man...or that two people would only be concerned enough...to chronicle it for YouTube...

I remember being a child...and people averting their eyes from the bruises and unwashed hair that I sported...but I never imagined their behavior becoming the norm...especially in a society that is quick to throw red paint on a fur coat...or murder someone coming out of an abortion clinic...or chain themselves to a tree and wail about the forest's loss...

I find myself ashamed of the society we have become...with our children sexting...young women and men filming themselves having sex in the middle of clubs...and people believing that Survivor is a real life experience...What has happened to us?  Where is our dignity...our moral compass?  I don't mean...do you go to church?...I know plenty of "religious" people who judge others...condemn their own children to tremendous suffering....and seek to share with others...that they will burn in Hell...

I'm talking about looking in another's eyes...and not being able to victimize them...because you see their weakness...their frailty...and you know...that because you can see this...you cannot look past it...you cannot knowingly hurt another...

Some might see that as weakness...but I see that as great strength...It makes me wonder what the world would look like...if we were willing to sacrifice ourselves for other's safe passage...That's why my grandfather fought during WWII...that's why I have a great...great...great uncle who carried a bullet in his brain...for the rest of his life...after the Battle of Antietam...fighting for freedom...during the Civil War...and then left for Canada...when he realized that the country was fighting over commodities...rather than any man's right to freedom and dignity...

Wait a minute...does this mean...that the situations are all different...the pictures change with each century...each era...but we have always stripped others of their dignity...We have always victimized...and acted out of indifference...rather than conscience...If this is so...are we progressing?...are we regressing? Or...are we just on a hamster wheel...and we feel everything is different...because someone changed the water in the dish...and placed the cage in another location in the tiny room we live in...

I guess we are an advanced society...or so you say...

The Dating Game....

Now that I am no longer dating online...I feel that I can safely talk about it...without getting stoned...with rocks...Just wanted to clarify...

About a decade ago...people who met online were...well...weirdos...geeks...hermits...stalkers... Now...a decade later...those individuals are still on there...but they are getting laid...Not that I believe hermits and stalkers don't deserve to get laid...it just used to be more difficult for them...I mean stalkers had to actually leave their home...and...well...stalk you...Now...from the comfort of their computer chair they can pull up a selection of people...who confuse online stalking with a date...or a relationship...

Take...for instance...the experiences I have had....Wait...I have to add a disclaimer...I have made several friends during my online dating...So...if you are a guy...and we are still talking...your good...If you are a stalker...and having trouble finding me...you're not good...

So...as I was saying...a friend has one of my stalker dates in her wedding pictures...I have had to block people from Facebook...I had to move and not tell someone...and one...um...gentleman...sent me a picture of his junk...when I requested a recent photo...Little did I know...that I needed to be geographically specific...when asking for a recent photo...

Which brings me to the issue of ..."why don't you send me a pic of your hootie ha..." Why?...it truly does not pose well for pictures...and how exactly am I supposed to work that one out...without falling over and breaking my cellphone...and...if I send it...how do know it's mine?...It could be my neighbor's...

How did this happen??...I'm not that old...How did we go from talking...exchanging banter and flirtatious looks...to send me a pic of your jewels?...Is everyone so disposable...that we can instantly replaced and judged by our own nether regions?...It's bad enough...that relationships are easily dumped...and that we can insta-date right minutes after dumping or being dumped...just by paying close to $100.00 a month...But this shift to booty call and girls gone wild....how much lower can we get?

Or...maybe...we have become a society that doesn't want anyone or anything else...We want superficial in everything...don't ruffle feathers...We flock to mindless movies...our literature is beginning to lack depth...the Kardashians are famous (for what?)...and we sit around at night and watch shows where people make fools of themselves for cash...So...I guess...why wouldn't it be appropriate to send someone a photo of you peepee...

What do I know?...I spend all day working with individuals who are struggling for their dignity...because they've been stripped of it...Why shouldn't we all strip...and draw arrows to our privates?...We point out other people's private business...why not capture our own...and share that too?

Or maybe...our humanity and dignity is just one big game...the dating game....