Without Exception...

I grew up not understanding unconditional love...I had never heard of it...literally...and I certainly hadn't experienced it.  Everything had conditions....usually painful and dangerous.  The worst of it was that they weren't even set conditions...they changed daily...As a result...life was a gauntlet I ran...always.

As an adult...I was quite sure that I didn't know what love felt like...I worried that my worries...and my fears were all that I carried with me.  My relationships...offered moments of peace...but rarely satisfaction...and I continued to enter partnerships that resembled the gauntlet of my childhood...

Several experiences over the past decade have given me the validation that I needed...in regards to my ability to love...but then my believer button was broken...several times...in several places...Now it is all taped up with plaid duct tape ...and sometimes I can feel it wobble...when touched....

I don't know if this is way it's supposed to be...I don't know if everyone wonders about their ability to love or believe...I do know that probably most people don't believe that I struggle with this...that I often look around and wonder if I am alone in my fear...that what is broken now...will never be whole again...or maybe never was....

It is easy for me to talk the talk...and walk the walk...but deep within me lies only blind faith these days...I don't even know if it is faith...It might just be persistence and sheer determination...Whatever it is...I only hope that I can give others what they need from me...because if I tried to explain the convoluted mish mash in my soul...everyone would walk away scratching their heads...hell...I spend most of my time subconsciously scratching my own head...

Here's what I do know....I do love unconditionally...I don't pass out my love like Halloween treats...but when someone does come knocking...I give them a fair shot...quite a few shots...and even if the trick ends up being on me...I still...often...love them...I just protect myself from rotten eggs....

I also know that I still believe...I'm just not connected to it right now...everything is still tender around my believer button...as a friend used to say...my feelers have been hurt...and I'm a bit over protective of me...I need to be...until the plaid duct tape comes off safely...and it will...I feel sure that who I will be...on the other side of this...will be a stronger...more loving person than I ever imagined I could be...and I want to believe that there will be many someones in my life who love me back...because life is too short to not have love...

Without exception...

 

Hurry Up and Slow Down...

The world is moving faster every day for me....and yet...I am still anxious to move pieces of my life off of my plate...Each day is a mixture of I can't wait for it to start....and I can't wait for it to stop...Sometimes I don't know if I am coming or going...As I feel the negative parts of myself break off and fly away....I find that I am anxious to fly away too...fly away to a new...different place...

I was thinking the other day...what it must be like for a snake shedding its' skin...The process is slow...and painstaking...and once free of the shell that once encased it...the snake is vulnerable and sensitive to the elements...It strikes...not knowing what is safe and what is dangerous...in a sense it is blind to everything...and...at the same time...feels everything...this is me...

So...I move forward...vulnerable...and new....the winds whip around me...as the world rushes by...trying to pull me with it...But...I move at my own pace...I refuse to be dragged or forced...for the first time in my life...I wait for the calm to come...for all pieces to fall into place...Surely....it will be soon...I am worn...all of this change is making me so tired that I can't sleep....

I know I've asked for all of this...I have been preparing my entire life for what the universe is giving me...and I am pleased...deeply pleased...and grateful...that I believed..even when I wasn't sure there was anything left to believe in...I'm not asking anything to stop... but my brain needs a rest...so... I have to say please...please....

Hurry up and slow down....

Oh...Now You Tell Me...

For almost a year, I have been dating...it seems like everyone...but that's only because I don't like dating...at all....You name it..I've had my experiences...a lot of them were not enjoyable...and certainly not uplifting...In fact...my dating experience was going so poorly that I was beginning to think I was a leper...and just hadn't acknowledged it yet...

Then I met Relationship Man...we're in one...a relationship...that is...albeit new...it's a relationship....I admitted it and agreed to it this week...It's exciting....and terrifying...all at the same time...literally...I might even be having a fake panic attack at this very moment...Nevertheless...I'm loving this and him...

But...of course...my phone begins ringing...off the hook...Mickie...I'd really like to go out again...Mickie...I'd really like to hook up...Mickie...Remember me?....Mickie...I know I didn't want a relationship...but I miss you........What the...?  I mean...really...what the...?  What is different now that we haven't spoken for weeks...months...a year?  Did some mystery email go out that updated my status...made me unattainable...and...therefore...fascinating?  Really?  What the....?  At this rate....I should be receiving a call from Mr. 25 years tonight....

I've come to believe that when it rains it pours...and that it is feast or famine...All of this is incredibly frustrating...and confusing...I truly can't figure out if I am being tested or tormented...And worst of all...I was happy to tell the first late comer that my situation had changed...but by the third...today...yes...today...I was feeling a bit anxious...was I putting all my eggs in one basket?  What if Relationship Man backs out?...Then I would be devastated...So...why am I confused?...Why am I freaked?...And I am freaked...

I am in love with Relationship Man...I'm afraid to admit it...I'm afraid to invest in it...I'm terrified to be knocked down to the floor and left to watch Miley Cyrus movies again...and cry...I can jump out of a plane...but I can't stand the thought of having my heart ripped out again...RM...we'll call him that to placate my laziness in typing....RM  hasn't done anything to cause me to feel this way...It's just me...me and my fears...actually...active terror...

So..I have tell myself...this is part of it...love that is...love after losing love...the heart is resilient but not inhuman...We learn from our mistakes...good and bad...and it is perfectly normal to be scared...only if I am not ruled by fear...I'm not ruled..but fear is carrying scepter and wearing a crown...I didn't think it would be like this...I thought it would be easy for me...that I would bounce back...I think it's more like I am coming back...slowly but surely...I'm just wondering when someone was going to tell me this...Wait there's another text coming through...Can we go out?  I really like you...What the....?

Oh...now you tell me...

Moving on...

Here I am at post 102...and I can feel that I am at a crossroads...All the things that have been eating me up inside...I've been releasing them...like hot air balloons...It's been good...healing...and revealing...Each burst of anger...has led to post...which...in turn...has led to peace....I don't believe I've ever experienced that before...

Even after my meltdown this weekend...I explained...to this new man in my life...why I reacted the way I did...and I told him my fears...which wasn't as terrifying...once they were dragged from under the bed and revealed in the light of day...

So...here I am...I've trimmed the excess off my life...stopped online dating...or battering myself...I am preparing for a journey to a foreign land...and I have someone very important in my life...permanently...it appears...and next week will be the anniversary of the very beginning of all of this....

My life looks much different to me right now...than it did back then...and yet...I recognize it....I recognize what has always been underneath...struggling for air...smothered...mostly by me...I mean I can't blame anyone else for not using the tools that I help others with...can I?  Not really...I've known for a very long time that the power resided within me...I knew that...at the age of eight...sitting on my bed...next to my mother...losing her mind...and saying to myself...I will not be this...I will not be this...Somewhere along the way...I left pieces of my power with others...and along the winding road I was travelling...

I know that this sounds as if I have run out of things to say...I haven't...But I feel the need to acknowledge...that  there is a shift happening in my life....and a crossroad deserves the same attention as a crisis...So...I give it the focus due...and I also look to the horizon...only one third of this 365 day journey has passed...and there is still much to say....about new things...new thoughts....and this new love...yes...love...

And...so...moving on...

Colorful Language...

I try to not focus on my pet peeves…but I have to say that today one seems to be getting the best of me…Try as I might…I find myself irritated with…once again…finding myself in a situation where someone is telling me that the color blue…is really brown…

You know what I’m speaking of…you are in a situation where you have assessed everything…viewed all angles objectively and reached a solid conclusion on how to address the issue of the color blue….you are fully aware of all aspects…Then you speak with the other person involved with the color…you express your responsibilities and the parameters of your actions….with the color blue…and they get defensive…and tell you that you are leaping to the end of the rainbow rather than starting at the beginning with them…

You proceed to ask them their starting point…they reply that they haven’t decided on that yet but you need to follow their lead…And they’re leading you where?...To the color brown…You remain calm and remind them that it truly is the color blue…the color of the sky…the color of a robin’s egg…They respond that they prefer to see it as brown….clear as mud…and you should too…

They speak in a condescending tone…clearly pointing out what a simpleton you are by their vocal inflections…You continue to maintain your evenness…but inside you’d like to stick a paint brush where their brown don’t shine…

These are the moments that make your eye twitch…but there is no escaping it…No matter how you color your own world…others don’t have to agree and most won’t…They either don’t like your color…it’s too difficult a color to contend with…or they feel more in control if they can re-color everything their way…because it really is all about them…In the end…it’s up to you to decide if you will let it go…and let them color all over everything…or grab their art supplies and break all of their crayons…

As for me…I choose to continue coloring the way things are…to me the blue sky is blue…and mud is brown…So…anyone can come along and tell me that I don’t know what I’m looking at…but I don’t have to listen…I know the difference between what is and what isn’t…and I know my responsibilities…Long after I leave they can call it whatever they want…They can call it pink…

I’ll tell you though…if they keep it up…I might get creative…

And use some colorful language…

Can You Handle This?....

After this weekend's humbling and embarrassing display of "I haven't got myself together yet"....I had to ask the new man in my life...can you handle this?  I wasn't particularly expecting a burgeoning relationship just yet...I did ask the universe for an opportunity to try again...to find someone who loved me deeply...the way I've always wanted to be loved...a love that I could reciprocate without an emotional smack down...I just didn't expect it to happen before the one year anniversary of my divorce...

And...so...I asked him...can you handle this?  He said he could...he also asked me to calm down...to stay still for a moment...that everything was okay...I've never had anyone do that for me...The situation didn't escalate...because he knows himself...he is confident in and with his commitment level....and I clearly am not...

I went to my friend's house and cried...not immediately...First...I numbly talked about other things...we had lunch...proceeded to work on projects together...and then she wisely asked me...was my reaction indicative of the deep feelings I had for him...in other words...did I react so strongly because I felt so deeply for him...then I cried...cried because I really did fear that I would lose him...that he wouldn't be able to handle my fears or emotional challenges...as I relearned how to live and love...I cried because I was terrified to love someone again...what if he hurt me...and what if I couldn't handle my fear or emotional challenges...

Still...he is here...he didn't cut and run...in fact...he just sent me a text to ask if I am alright...if I feel a little safer...I just cried again...It seems...to me...that he can handle all of this...that he can handle my ups and downs...and that those ups and downs matter to him...probably more than they have mattered to me...I guess I have to ask myself why that is...

My friend suggested that maybe I always kept myself busy...so busy that I didn't have to deal with anything...In a sense...she was saying the same thing that this man is saying to me...stand still...calm down...I don't know how to do that...I never have...but I better learn...at least start practicing it...But first...and foremost...I have to ask myself a question....

Can you handle this?....

Cheater..Cheater...Pumpkin Eater....

I have an admission of guilt...I blew up yesterday...I mean blew it all sky high...a miscommunication...a missed call...missing each other....and I went left.  I take full responsibility for it and I'm not proud of myself...He was upset...then quiet...then consoled me...He wasn't wrong...I was...I decided that the confusion meant he was lying and cheating...that he was using me...as I have experienced over and over...so much that my emotional psyche is wrecked...not dented...as I would like to believe...but wrecked...and so I turned yesterday into a train wreck...

I'm not going to make excuses for my actions...I'm a adult...I need to work through it but fast...so that I don't lose something amazing in my life...but I'm going to tell something...I'm going to tell you what cheating on someone who cares about you does...For those that are reading and have done this...please take it to heart...and for those that have been on the receiving end...I'm sorry...so sorry that you were left to lick your wounds and pick up the pieces of your own broken heart...

When you cross the line of intimacy behind the back of someone who loves you...you are a coward...you don't have the courage to ask for what you want...a divorce...understanding...more sex...kids...no kids...I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt or a series of excuses...There are no excuses for abusing the trust and a person's ability to believe in others...especially if they love you...

So...it's difficult...You hit a rough patch...You look in the mirror and see your hair falling out...or that you have a spare tire...Guess what...it's not the other person's fault that time marches on...that you are getting older or that you don't take showers...that you don't brush your teeth and they got yellow...It's not the other person's fault that you wish you were 25 again...Nobody respects the old bearded man at the kegger...or the older woman jacking her boobs up and catting around with the young guys who haven't had all their chest hair grow in yet...You look like a fool...and sad...

While that person who loves you is home...cleaning...cooking...waiting for you to come home or call...or love them again...and you are scamming and planning to regain your lost youth...or your confidence...or "freedom"...you are also damning yourself and everyone around you....Your family has to shuffle around embarrassed by your actions...and you abuse their unconditional love...younger people around you nod their heads and say "yes...see marriage doesn't last...people weren't meant to be faithful..."  Your greatest statement is that you are no different than a dog in heat or rabbits in the same vicinity...You are saying "I have no intellect...I am no better than an animal"...and you have crossed a line that you will most likely cross again...

And that person waiting up for you...asking who's long hair is in the dryer...You squash their ability to believe in others...You squash their ability to dream...You squash their ability to trust another person...or to allow anyone to remain in their life...because it's just too dangerous...You wreck them purposely...You hurt their soul...with your soulessness...You squash all that is good about yourself and the other person...and all the chewing and swallowing in the world won't make your damage go away....and all the scraping and shoveling of all that squash won't make the other person heal fast...They are stuck starting that garden over the next year and it may take a couple years before good things grow again...Let's face it...while the other person is trying to regrow what you wrecked...

You are really are just a cheater...cheater...pumpkin eater..