The Long and the Short of It...

Two years ago...I began this blog...this journal...or short essays...that chronicled my thoughts...beliefs...and constantly changing inner landscape...as I pursued uncovering a woman who was raised to lack confidence...to be alone...to need someone to complete me...to be a victim...and during that time...I have spoken...from my heart...shared many of my secrets...and explored my motivations...in the hopes that I would emerge...a better person...Early...early...in my journey...I spoke of the relationship I had with my hair...I actually think of this topic often...

I'm not a religious person...I was raised to be...but my life...and family...led me to see only hypocrisy...in something that spoke of freedoms...in a tight box of rules...and judgement...much like my mother's judgement of whether I should be allowed to have long locks...and I created my own confined beliefs...of why I should have the hair of romance novels...and bad fiction...and yet...I found myself contemplating religion...and hair...through the biblical tale of Sampson and Delilah...Sampson...a virile...strong man...had long and lustrous curls...and when he let his guard down...the person he trusted...a woman...clipped his hair short...and his strength...evaporated...

I...a woman...have been told...verbally...in whispers...or loudly...and in subtle...more sinister ways...by society...and media...that I would lose all my power...as a woman...if I cut off my hair...that I would be less desirable...I would look like a man...or worse...I would be considered one of those women...you know...the ones who no longer like men...and I awoke this morning...with a question...why do I care...

The fact is...I learned from my mother...that I was no one...if I was not with a man...and so I tried...I worried...I chased...I tried to be chased...and chaste...I have dated...married...divorced...and shared my wares...with many...I have twisted myself...conformed...been silent...been charming...and funny...and worn my hair...in a million ways...to please men...and the only time it has pleased me...was when it was cropped...short...I mean short...the way I like...thanks to Jennifer Lawrence...I was reminded of the freedom of a look...that says...I don't want you to focus on my mane...because the main draw about me...is...and should be...just me...

I suddenly felt sorry for Sampson...that his vanity...was his strength...and that a woman was blamed...for introducing the idea...that strength is not about appearance...it's about what you carry inside you...I am no longer about my hair...I am not that girl...who could not stand with confidence...singularly...not alone...but with room around her...for more important things...than needing someone else to define her...

I also realized...that I have not been taking care of myself...the way I should...I have let myself down...allowed a floundering...of my soul...and I have allowed my best...brilliant self to be covered...weighted down...with poor habits...and fear...that I needed to look a certain way...to receive the respect I deserve...and I have covered my mind...and face...to attract...all the things I already have...from someone else...

My decision...in thirty days...from today...I will enter a salon...with a recent picture of Jennifer Lawrence...and pay too much money...for my hair to be clipped...cropped...and possibly highlighted...not because I want attention...but because...I think my hair has been getting in the way...covering too much of my mind...and too many hours have been spent...grooming myself for a mate...instead my future...

Oh...there will be remarks...and pitying looks...from men and women...many will be saddened that I have given up my strength...but then the world is full of fools...and clowns...individuals who make choices...to entertain and please others...and though the world will continue to revolve on its axis...I'm done with the revolving door...of those who do not see me...for who I am...because my bangs are in the way...

Think what you want...it's time to lose the weight...and the locks...that have locked me into society's vision of a woman's beauty...no matter how you cut it...that is...and from this point forward will be...

...the long and the short of it...

The Tortoise or the Hare...

Often my most important moments happen...in the shower...I don't know if my head clears...or the surprising...lack of hot water...opens my mind...but...so it was a week ago...I have not posted for several weeks...the holidays...entrances...and exits...have occurred...and...I haven't been able to formulate words...it happens...from time to time...but a week ago...the curtain...in my mind...was pulled back...and I was struck by these thoughts...

My last post...was about nursery rhymes...how I connected with them...and saw myself through them...I began thinking about the importance of morality tales...rhyming allegories...and parables...in my life...I did not grow up with parents...who taught me much...beyond what not to do...so I turned to these...stories...to...hmmm...guide me...cradle me...in my development...a long time ago...I stopped turning to them for answers...until recently...

Aesop was a slave...in Greek times...it is debated...about his ethnicity and origin...but his simple...and wise philosophies...have been passed down through the ages...one that is burned in my memory...is the Tortoise and the Hare...

It seems that there was a tortoise and a hare...and they were in a race...the gist is...that the hare lost...because...his energy was spent...on the beginning of the race...so convinced that he would win...because of who he was...and the tortoise...remained focused...and won...because of his willingness...to continue on the course...and not worry about the end...but look to the journey...as a compass and touchstone...if it were...to lean on...for his confidence...

I've been thinking...about my duality...of tortoise...and hare...even though I loved the story...and understood the moral...I have spent most of my life...being the hare...fast to respond...quick to move...believing I would accomplish much...not waiting for all things to reveal themselves to me...This year...I have been forced...then...became centered...on identifying with the tortoise...I've stood still...a great deal...I've requested...the room...to take my time...to allow life to open naturally to me...and moved in a paced...and maybe...a boring...style...creating a deep and eternally grateful sense...of dignity...within myself...as chaos has swirled...as I watched...and everything has been revealed...while I plodded along...

So...here I lay...dumbfounded...as once again...I have entered a race...an experience race...and I am moving forward...but the other participant...has lost their steam...their desire...their will...to complete the mission...and...I am so very thankful...that I move slowly...even though...this is a lonely place...in any race...when you are pacing yourself...

There is a part of me...that habitually wants to blame me...as I have always done...in the past...and berate myself...for not responding fast enough...not answering the way that they wanted me to...not running at a crazy pace...not throwing all caution to the wind...but...truthfully...I want the wind at my back...pushing me along...not lifting me off the ground...to drift aimlessly...in a torrent...that rips me limb from limb...

I realize...that the steady path...often means you travel alone...and I want...oh...I want someone at my side...but I can't lose time...lose myself...with someone who does not see the end result...of me...what I have to offer...and even...as I feel my sense of longing growing...and the finish line...so far away...I ask myself again...what do I wish to be...a flash in the pan or everlasting flame...

...the tortoise or the hare...

Mother Goose Knows All...

When I was a child...I committed myself...to memorizing all fairy tales...and nursery rhymes...there was...well...no rhyme or reason...it was just my belief...that they held all the mysteries...and answers... to life...Whenever I was sick...which was often...I read...no...committed to memory...each story...riddle and rhyme...and prepared myself for the retelling...with all honor and respect...for a mother...who looked like a bird...

Jack Sprat and his wife...opened my eyes...to the idea that...two people did not have to mirror each other...to reach fulfillment and a common goal...licking a platter clean...Georgie Porgie...warned me of impulsive behavior...which I struggled with...daily...that chasing after everyone...and everything would only make those things...run from me...and Little Miss Muffet...prepared me for my greatest fears...that I would have to face...if I didn't want to lose my dinner...literally...and figuratively...But...the most important...and pivotal lesson...came from Humpty Dumpty...falling from grace...breaking...and others trying to fix him...

Four years ago...I sat on a wall...looking down...from a very high place...unaware of how very fragile my life was...and that I was not in control...When the fall came...I was unprepared...and lay broken...shattered...in thousands of pieces...and all the king's horses...and men...couldn't put me back together again...

So there I remained...reaching out...pulling each fractured piece...of my shell...back towards me... shifting their positions...in an attempt...to replicate...my puzzled self...to no avail...It seemed at times...that all my gooey insides...were running all over the place...because they were...mixed up...brain scrambled...and my emotions...well...nothing was in check...

Then...I stopped trying...trying to fix...trying to grasp answers...trying to pretend...and I sat very still...very still...when I did move...they were small movements...imperceptible...to the human eye...storms came and went...seasons changed...and I found myself blown...in a new direction...many times...Until...at last...all became calm...and there was rest...for the forces of my nature...

When the light...broke through the clouds...and began to shine upon my head...I saw the cracks and fissures...that I had once feared...revealed...something greater...more wonderful...than anything...I could have done on my own...no one thing fixed me...nobody...put me back together...because the together life I had lived...was just a shell...that hid the greatest parts of me...and it took falling...to break that façade...to release all that I tucked away...from the world...and myself...

So the moral to the story...a fall from...so called grace...is sometimes necessary...to break with habits...that keep us high up...that keep us safe...the danger is all that distance from the ground...and sometimes broken...is the best place to start...because...in the light of day...all that chaos...that we were running from...is really quite true...and honest...and beautiful...Ahhh...that devilishly clever poultry figure...

Mother Goose knows all...

I've Been Here Before...

I have always been fascinated with the concept of reincarnation...the idea that we are all...somehow connected...that we are...the missing pieces to a puzzle...that time...and lives intersect...allowing us to work out past wrongs...have the ultimate do over...correct our mistakes...have another chance to be with...that person...and most important...that you may have been Queen Elizabeth...in a former life...after all...who wants to discover...that they were a telephone operator...or the guy that held the piss bowl...in a nondescript court...in Serbia...

My life...these days...is about revisiting my past...correcting my wrongs...facing my demons...changing my negative life behaviors...man...have I been busy...I find that every day...is about redirection...attempting to not be perpetually embarrassed...about...well...everything...I can't do much about my childhood...realistically...I was born...I made due...then...I was old enough to create my own life...I did that...I'm satisfied...it's all that stuff that I did...when...I supposedly...was making important life decisions...on my own...and I blew it...

I raced around...frantically...attempting to find a person...to fill my emptiness...I can't blame the ones that stuck...for being idiots...or jerks...or unfaithful...there were always signs...of the inevitable chasms...that I would be at the bottom of...by the time they left...and was yelling to the heavens...why did I let you put me here...investing in losing situations...or people...being too nice...too naive...too pliable...too scared...and too many deja vus...

Nothing...could make me happier...than to discover that...I am...reliving a past...that I need to fix...and that I'm doing it...As I make my attempts...to break through lifetime barriers...toss out old habits...stop putting off problems...and release my creativity...I find myself collecting...many of the same people...and situations...and I wonder...quite loudly...have I done this before...have I created an eternity...of repetition...personal hurt...and poor choices...that have trapped me in a  negative pattern...and...what else can I do...

Maybe...I have wasted my energy...on everything...and everyone else...Now...I am focusing on myself...maybe...the change I'm creating...is drawing in others...who believe they want a change...and maybe they feel...I might do that for them...I don't know...I don't know how this is happening...why...or how to break away...

Truth is...I feel that...every day...I get closer...to the me that I want to be...and every day...I question myself...about who I am...what my future holds...and why it hurts so much...when I begin to see...all things I do that are...well...hurting me...Then I say...is it okay...that these days...I find myself in tears...at least once a week...and...did Queen Elizabeth go through this too...or am I the only one who feels like...they are holding the piss bowl...in a nondescript court...Maybe...all of this...is wasting more time...or a distraction...from what is really in my way...Maybe...none of this matters...right now...I can't answer that...but I'll tell you what I do know...

I've been here before...

You're Too Nice...

When I was growing up...I swam in shark infested waters...every move was dangerous...there was no rhyme or reason...to the things that could leave you dragging away a bloody stump...of self esteem...or dignity...I equate my early experiences...to being a war vet...too vivid memories...stories that I can't tell...and the occasional dream...that has me waking to a soaking sweat...and it was during that time...that I decided...I would be different...opposite...of the chaos...and that if I knew my actions...would bring pain to another...I would consciously...make a different choice...so that I would never purposefully hurt someone...I've stuck to that...

My adult decisions...have not always been brilliant...some border on idiocy...but I have managed to limit my times...of truly hurting someone...as a result...I have found myself...on the receiving end of the frustrations of others...and I have piles of advice from well wishers...who find it completely unbelievable...that one person could choose peace...and compromise...and empathy...over ambush...manipulation...and self serving devices...disguised as love...currently...I'm using all that advice...to stuff my throw pillows...I have a lot of pillows...

Mostly...I hear a phrase...daily...that I used to view as a compliment...then it became..confusing...then irritating..and now...an insult...to my intelligence...and ability to make choices...as a functional adult...Yesterday...I heard it three times...I brought in baked goods to share with coworkers...there it was...I gave someone a break about an issue...again...I priced an item at a lower amount...lower than others...the phrase...a third time...mentally...my brow furrowed...

I thought about it last night...and this morning...it woke me up...Why was this a common response from others...and why had it begun causing anger...to well up in me...I brought baked goods in to grow the option of baking for wages...I love to bake...and I'm pretty good...and I want to grow my earning potential...I gave someone a day pass for attitude...because...I didn't care...they were having a bad day...I wasn't...I knew it wasn't personal...and I priced an item low...because I sold them three...instead of one...I made more money...on something that I didn't pay a dime of my own money...I don't think my reasons are worthy of a newsletter...but I had reasons...I always do...

Then...this occurred to me...we are a mean lot...humans...we cheat...slit the throats of neighbors...brag about our conquests...standing over others...lying in the dirt...we insert ourselves...in other people's business...and call it our own...and we will peck that weak chicken bloody...because...it's a Monday...and all with a smile on our face...there's a word for that...ass-sk...anyone...

So...here's my thought...maybe that phrase...is a warning from another...that they aren't...well...you know...maybe...while they are advising you...they are also picking your pocket...taping a kick me sign to your back...and you...and all your kindness...is making them feel uncomfortable...cruelty usually travels in packs...and caring...is the lone wolf...

Just in case...you are worrying...that I am not savvy...in worldly ways...or that I'm too good...read this again...I couldn't write it...if I wasn't aware that the opposite of kind...is well...not...and some...are just rotten to the core...and it's my life...my right...to take my chances...in the hope...that my intentions will be reciprocated...that karma will be kind...and that I will die peacefully...without regret over my behavior...but if you think that I don't know exactly...what is going on...in the minds of others...well...you know...

you're too nice...

I...Me...My...

I am spending the weekend...with a good friend...I am answering the questions of another...and I have someone very special...in my life...who is dealing with something...very personal...and painful...and I am trying desperately...to express my willingness to focus...on their needs...at a moments notice...

I tried...several times...to write the text...that would express my every thought...that would give them space...and let them know that I am lying in wait...for anything they need...that my thoughts are with them...that I find nothing more important...than being there...for them...I asked my good friend...if I was wording my thoughts...in a way...that spoke beyond...I questioned her thoughts...I countered her arguments...and then I scrubbed everything...as I worked through my fears and frustrations...of expressing my feelings...and having them understood...

I pondered...what needed to be said...I rewrote the text...I read it out loud...and then silently...I stared at my phone...me...a writer...I wanted to say the just right words...I erased...I re-wrote...I read it out loud...again...then I sent it...and stared at my phone again...I wondered...was this appropriate...was I too intrusive...had I said everything I needed to...would they understand all...that I could not say...

As I scrubbed my bathroom...after my kitchen...I thought...how much of my evening...had been thinking about them...that person struggling...in pain...and...I began...by counting the times that I say I...in all of my conversations...all the moments...that I place myself...in the center of situations...where I can be the center...where I worry...about another's reactions...not because I want them to be most comfortable ...but because...I worry about their response to me...

I realized...that I was irrefutably...embarrassed to be me...that all my intentions...were in need of questioning...and that I...although...I could point a finger...at my childhood...raising myself...fighting to survive...then surviving...and fighting to blend...to be more...to be heard...to make a difference...to leave my mark...that no matter the results...I had no one to blame...but me...

I wondered...how much of our reaching out to others...was really about us...the simple act...of one person...laying their hand in the hand of another...starts with us...so...how much is about someone else...when they are quietly wrestling...with...anything...and we know this...how do we drop our needs...how do we offer everything to another...and not insert...ourselves...into the prominent portion...of the equation...

Maybe we can't...maybe that is the twist in life...we reach out for others...and it's really about us...Maybe that's why English teachers...stop us...from using the words...I...me...my...from essays...and people create bumper stickers that say...I care about this because...or if I need your opinion I'll give it to you...Maybe this is why Emily Post has to write books...about courtesy...and others shake there heads...over our faux pas...as they talk about the correct way they handle things...

And...through all this...my special someone...is struggling...to figure how they will deal...with what matters to them most...and...I can't stop counting...as I read this piece...how many times...that I have said...

I...me...my...

Your Kind of Crazy...

For the past few years...I have been attempting...trying...to reconstruct my life...sometimes haphazardly...sometimes desperately...my efforts could be compared to ripping open a goose down pillow in hurricane force winds...and...then collecting all the individual feathers...good luck to me...With each effort...friends...family...and random passersby have commented...you're crazy...crazy for this...crazy for that...crazy for the other thing...mentally...I gave them the finger...and kept at it...my business...

Thrown back into the dating world...not my area of comfort...became a system of hanging my dirty laundry out...for the world to see...specifically a line of potential suitors...and although their briefs and boxers sported rips...tears...and skid marks...hanging on their line...I found myself hunkering down...as they pointed at me...and said...you're crazy...for this...for that...for the other thing...

There must have been a moment...when my sensitivity...my hope...my idealism...was kicked to the curb...and my feelings stopped...well...feeling hurt...and I began winning the race to point a finger...I sharpened my razor tongue...so that when I said...you're crazy...and said it first...the receiver would limp away...hand clamped...to the gushing gash I inflicted...that way...when I put my foot on their...uh...bottom...and pushed...they would easily fall...

Recently...I have found myself in debates over crazy...you keep everything...well...you throw everything away...you collect crap...oh yeah...you have junk...you leave yours out...you have to put yours away...you chose pursuing dreams over working 9-5...you work 9-5...and don't pursue your dreams...you think you can do anything...and everything...you are too old...you are too young...you don't do enough...you do too much...you don't say enough...you say too much...all of it attached to...crazy...crazy...crazy...

Yesterday...I tore someone down...I mean down...I let them know...just how and why...they were crazy...I mapped out their craziness...drew diagrams...of how they got there...and handed them a fresh pamphlet...so they could work on...fixing their crazy...and then brushed my mental hands...in satisfaction...as they stood in silence...and then they said...you are so smart...brilliant...beautiful...you do things that help others...you are talented...and at the same time...you are mean...you have an attitude...don't you think that is crazy...I stood in silence...

I asked myself...why I had started to care...care about who was crazy...and why...when did I take that turn...turning my back...on the wonderful crazy things about me...on the beauty...that I have always been able to find in others...and the acceptance...that has been my saving grace...so that I can forgive...so that I can try...again and again...so that I can love...unconditionally...and then I said...you're right...it is crazy...the wrong kind...

So...when I came home this morning...from running my errands...that we're so important to me...and I mumbled about the woman across the street...who doesn't say hi back...the cop who stops me on the corner...once a week...to tell me I'm speeding...when I'm driving 20 miles per hour...my beautiful roommate...who leaves a trail behind her...all through the house...just as I whispered...this is crazy...I looked down at my hands...realizing that I had entered the house...dropped my purse...moved straight to the stove...and began scrubbing...and then I laughed...hysterically...blue gloves and all...head in the oven...this was crazy...and who cares...

It was in the fumes and grime...that my true epiphany came...we're all crazy...every single damn one of us...we all have quirks...dirty laundry...say inappropriate things...don't care about important things...because we all find importance...in different things...we don't listen to some things...and cling to others...we laugh when we're not supposed to...we harbor resentments...and dreams...we risk our dignity on things...people...situations...and hide in fear...because of others...

Isn't it odd...we are so busy scrubbing the oven...instead of eating lunch...and pointing our fingers...to distract...from our own behaviors...we don't bother...to ask ourselves...whether we should be telling someone...you're kind of crazy...or saying to ourselves...this is...

your kind of crazy...