I Believe in Peanut Butter Cups...

I have always been an idealist...a dreamer...a true believer...almost to my detriment...Even as I charted my course through the stormy sea of my childhood...and the uncharted waters of my adult life...I have always believed...believed...that if I believe...it...whatever it is...it would happen...and so has my life unfolded....

I teach young men and young women now...halflings...part adult...part child...and many live lives...where they find it impossible to believe...where dreams are dangerous...and so is reality...They often walk on the edge of a slippery...deep...cup...where every moment puts them in danger of sliding in...tumbling into a tiny world...with no escape...a prison...in their own minds...

I wish I was being over dramatic...I'm not...as much as I dream...I have this part of me that has emerged...all realist...it is with these eyes that I see my students...and I have been there...on that precipice...in danger of falling...sliding into nothingness...what I felt I was...nothingness...

Over the past months...two of my young women...have spoken to me about their desires...big dreams...which pained them...because they felt there was no way...no way in hell...that they would ever...and they told me...they consulted...they pleaded with their eyes...what should I do...is it wrong to ask...and I told them...keep pushing...don't stop...what steps can you take...and each time they fell...they came back...back for more...more hope...and I scooped it up and gave it to them...with my cup...the one I wield...instead of balancing on the edge of these days...

Last week...one of my gals...sat...head in hands...moist eyed and trembling lipped...it's not going to happen...I can't find a job...I'm going to be stuck here...I'll never get out...and...I put down my cup...and lifted her with all my might...my spirit trembling...my voice calm...We are going to get you a job...But no one wants me...Yes they do...they just don't know it yet...next Wednesday...they will know you...we will go together...we will find them...

And so Wednesday came...and met my weary body and soul...and my girl...leading another girl...shining eyes...hair in place...lip gloss...and mascaraed eyes...imperfect perfection...my god...was that me...many years ago...is this what believing is...and somewhere in my body...I felt it...that swelling...bursting feeling...when you know...you just know...and they drank from my cup...softly giggling...as we walked to my car...

I drove us to the first store on our list of stops...a small store...that held no more promise than any other...We took a moment...to straighten our shoulders...throw back our hair...and stare the wind...straight in the face...Hello...may I speak with a manager...I am...My name is Mickie Lewis...and I would like to introduce you...to two of my wonderful...hard working students...who are looking for summer employment...This is such perfect timing...we are in desperate need of people...and we were going to send someone to your school...to recruit...

As I watched my girls...stand straighter...speak more politely...and glow from inside out...it seemed the dingy walls fell away...and the merchandise...held so much promise...and as they shook hands with the woman...I'm so glad you came in...I so hope that I get to work with you...in my store...I saw it...it...the it...someone wants me...me...me...me

The last stop...another store...where I purchased a king size Reeses for a dollar...and sat in the car...with my two new disciples of dreaming...burgeoning believers...I offered them one...in celebration...a different cup...than the one that they had been balancing on the edge of...They stole glances at it...not used to this feeling...believing in it...that it might disappear...It's here...it's real...today happened...this cup seals the deal...once you eat this...it's part of you...you'll never look at a Reeses the same again...and I watched as they reached with trembling hands...for this sweet confection...glistening eyes...and took a bite...they believed...and so I...I believe in it...the it...and all of it's magic...and

I believe in peanut butter cups....

No...You Were Right

They say that the impression that is the most honest...the most truthful...the most lasting...happens in the first 6 seconds... not when you are listing your skills...not when you are sharing anecdotes...or dazzling with witty retorts...It all comes down to the moment you first connect...hand touches hand...or not...voice greets  voice...and eyes meet...or not...In those precious few seconds...a belief is formed...the subconscious speaks loudly and freely...and the opinion is locked in...You can  rationalize forever...but the impression has been made...like a hand sinking into quick drying cement...or the moment you realize a flower is a weed...

Your first instinct...there is a big problem here...a roadblock...an impassable impasse...Pause...No...I'm just creating a problem...you say to yourself...The eyes shift...not quite meeting your gaze...then shift back...They smile...a seed has been planted...

You overcome the moment...with sunny disposition...and water it with generosity and hopefulness...and so the seed splits...and the first sprout appears...Delicate and tender...you see this as growth...the beginnings of something new...sure to blossom into the most wondrous flower...vibrant and swaying in the beams of your positive thoughts...but then...for a moment...weren't you positive that this would not work...ah well...it was only six seconds...no time to weed through your thoughts...Maybe...you were wrong...

The clock ticks...and the relationship is in its first days...the tiny leaves are breaking away from the stem of your first encounter...Surely...this will be the most beautiful bud...possibly an azalea...oohh...maybe a rose...and so your hopes rise...You are lifted to unimaginable heights...as you imagine the future growth...The higher this potential floral explosion reaches...the hazier the remembrance of your first thoughts...a bit like the haze that drifted across their face...when you first reached for their hand...and they leaned away from you...But...now...that you are thinking more clearly...you can see that they were just being respectful...How could you be so wrong?

The roots appear to be setting...as you feel that you are finally planted firmly...on your own two feet...How wonderful this is that you have matured...grown...and that you see things...as they truly are...except for that little...sharp...spiny...or is it a thorn...coming out the side...or sticking in yours...But...you know...there is always bad with good...a bit of uncomfortability?...Is that a word?...well...maybe you will use it...surely ...it should be...you're all about conforming to...you mean confronting the new...keep your head about you...or you'll lose this...by being wrong...

A few weeks later...or a month...a pod develops...odd looking...angry...no...ugly...no...that's unfair...you're not giving it a chance...it just needs time...time heals all wounds...like that scratch that you received from...that thing on the stem...that pierced you...you bleed...but only for a moment...there were a couple of minor gouges...but nothing...you know...serious...You...must have misunderstood...it wasn't it's fault...you weren't paying attention...you needed to be more considerate...yes...you were in the wrong...

One day...that pod...rears it's head...cracking open...pushing...curling back...to expose...something you can't describe...you've lost your words...you can't put your finger on it...literally...or is that figuratively...maybe both...But...you are so invested in this...this thing...this no named neediness...this over arching aching...maybe from the sore...no...it's from the heart...you're pretty sure...it must be love...or it will be eventually...and this growing entity...will absolutely...thank you...thank you for all the time...the moisture you've teared over it...the efforts...the hours...and the clouded hope...you have given...surely...about this...you can't be wrong...

Because...the blossom you felt you flowered...now burns your eyes...keeps you up at night...sleepless...blowing your nose...tearing up...raw skin...swollen...and keeps you from breathing...No matter how hard you try...to believe...something would change...after those first six seconds...it didn't...you did...you trusted the untrustable...instead of trusting your instincts...A weed is just a weed...it's always a weed...and you know it...you cannot make it a flower...your lavishing love doesn't have that power...about this...one can never be wrong...

So...when you whacked it down...and everyone shook their heads...saying...how could you do that...maybe it would have been beautiful...yes...it felt uncomfortable...yes...you are allowed to wonder...yes...you may appear ruthless...But...when you sleep the night through...finally...know...don't question...in the beginning...

No...you were right

Deep in My Soul...

I haven't written for a very long time...an extended case of emotional laryngitis...I've thought things...many things...thousands of things...and been unable to verbalize them...now it's time...

If lives were a dime a dozen...then...I could say that I have had...at least...nine of them...Each one began with grasping at a brass ring...I have broken glass ceilings...I have crashed through walls...I have brought empires to their knees...and looked up at others...from stony floors...I have been a lover...a loser...a winner...a failure...an addict...an angel...a rebel...and...at times...the devil.  But, every step...every decision has been from my heart...I have felt it break...beat faster...melt...stop...skip...and fill to overflowing...yet...it is my inner self...that I worried for the most...

And so...I reached for...everything...I have tried it all...I have given up...fallen down...only to stand up again...dust myself off...and drag myself...dirty and ragged...to the finish line...just in time for the next race...alone...hoping...to find that I too...had a soul...

I've never felt that I fit...that I belonged...mostly because of the way that I was raised...but partly...because I did everything that...everyone...said couldn't be done...Even now...I am one of the oldest Teach for America corps members...in my region...I teach outside of the box...I have trouble following rules...that box my kids in...and I challenge them to fight...fight for everything...to not let others define them...including me...

So...when my students were working...on another...outside the box assignment...their beautiful faces...dark eyes...furrowed brows...writing until their pencil leads broke...I could not help...but sit in the back of the room and watch...The hushed conversations...traveled from childish...to deep questioning...They were writing about a painting of a woman...alone...adrift on water...aching heart...and white...white like me...

One of my young ladies...turned to a young man and whispered...what is she thinking?...I don't know...said another...How could you know...she's white...we're not...Another face looked up...ask Ms. Lewis...she's white...silence...Then my student...who I was sure...disliked everything about me...turned...irritated...almost angry...she doesn't know...yes she does...no she doesn't...she isn't white...silence...but she is...NO she isn't...she's black like us...silence...she sees our soul...she has our soul...nodding heads...pencils scratching...
I'm sure I cried inside...I felt my heart explode...into a million pieces...brilliant...pulsating...and beyond color...

Somewhere in the room...dimly lit...classical music playing...classic artwork...outside the box...as my beautiful face's found their voices...I found what I had been searching for my entire life...I belonged...I had crossed over...I had become something greater...in a place that I never imagined I would be asked to enter...accepted for all my imperfections...my frailties...my failings...I was not alone...I was being held...as much as I was holding...and...although my feet will travel millions of more miles...before I die...I was home...and I knew it...

...deep in my soul.

Fix and Flip...

There's a second hand Papasan chair sitting in my living room...I purchased her through Craig's List long ago...when I was a person of acquisition...a woman who filled emptiness with purchases...I dragged her around with me...moving her from place to place...never sat in her...ownership mattered most...

After "the divorce"...I decided that it was time to bring her out...put her on my porch for cozy seating...It rained...the cushion was soaked...I laid her in the sun to dry...the cushion faded...I still hadn't sat in her...I rarely sat on the porch with anyone...Maybe...if I put a throw over her...that would make her more inviting...It was...for leaves...snow...and dust...

I moved away from the house...that I had inhabited...with my ex spouse...dragging the chair with me...dust...leaves...and cobwebs...I piled my belongings...into a place...that needed fixing...just like me...the Papasan disappeared...under a pile of boxes...old clothes...stuff...the stuff my life had been made of...The faded...weather worn cushion...hung over the side...barely visible to the naked eye...and the smell of abandonment confused my cat so...that sitting next to her box...she mistook it for...well...her personal place...now everything had been dumped on it...the chair had been used for everything...but what she was designed for...

I chose to leave behind...the life that I had been living...to break away...to find myself...I had long thrown out the cushion of my chair...all that was left of her...were the empty curved bones...So...in an attempt...to give her a new start...I fixed her up...scraped the dirt off...painted her up...changed her look...if you will...and packed her into a vehicle...to bring her to a new place...still lying under the weight of what I could not leave behind...

Six months passed...all my grand schemes and dreams...of how she would look...with the cushion I would get her...of how she would be appreciated...finally...for her great uses and greater purpose...she still sat...no cushion...no comfort...uninviting...and empty...all the moving around...and draping of fabrics...left her untouched...a veritable pariah...in a place that had little to offer...one would think that her hollowness...would have been filled...just because she was the only one in the room...but it wasn't...

Only today...as I began fixing the eclectic mix of items...scattered through my not so new home...I pulled out some soft quilts...not beautiful...but comforting...gently used...loved...I flipped them over her...one to wrap...around the cold heart of her...and one folded to soften how she felt...to others...if someone were to connect with her...two pillows...freckled...older now...but still lovely...admirable...with the potential to be desired...

As I paced the room...restless...awake...I looked at her...surveying...what she had become...as compared to what she was...unsure...if she was worthy of use anymore...and then I went to her...and sat...curling my legs into her tentatively...at first...and then...completely...

She looked nothing as expected...and no passerby would assume...that she offered comfort...or purpose...but it was...in that moment that was no longer secure...that we felt the most comfort..the most comfort I have felt in years...maybe a lifetime...My cat...joined me...no longer confused...about the purpose...And...in the dimly lit room...settling into her...allowing myself to rest...she settled too...a soft creak...a shift...and we both found our home...

Funny...how real homes...need time...patience...weathering...and...when the time is right...a loving...

...fix and flip...

It's a Wonderful Life...

Well...here I am...one year older and still adding to my blog...that began...last Christmas...It's at this time of the year...that I pull out my favorite movie...Last year I couldn't watch it...I wanted to punch it in the throat...but since the age of eight...I have loved...cried...and dreamed...through this Frank Capra masterpiece...

I have been George Bailey...most of my life...reaching for one thing...and then setting it aside for another...so driven to make a difference...I have often bypassed my own pleasures...for someone else...Even now...I am working each day to make a difference in my student's lives...It's happening...slowly...but it's happening...but I talk about this all the time...quite frankly...I choose to find beauty...and success...in the darkest...dankest places...

This classic movie...brings together all the beauty of Americana...family...choices...and hope...It causes me to hope...It reminds me to find hope...in all things...even the darkest...dankest times...I hope so much...that I put idealists to shame...

The aspect of the movie that I never talk about...is what brings George Bailey to the bridge...the breaking point...the moment he decides that he has no purpose...and that his presence...is no presence at all...that the world would have been better off without him...

As a child...who contemplated every avenue of escape...an ending to what broke me every day...and even as I struggled through my early adult years...with the demons that set up camp...in your mind...when you become practiced at considering a finale...that will end the pain...another part of me broke last week...when I discovered one more person...in my life...had committed suicide...this makes six...

I am leveled...this is not a movie...there was no angel that came down...diving into icy water...so that this friend could save himself...by saving another...I'm not sure what has saved me...all these years...maybe I am too stubborn...maybe too lazy...maybe I am just a fighter...but I have always found a way...a light at the end of the tunnel...

But...at this moment...I feel deep sadness...even as a sit in a new tunnel..in my life...near that bridge that George stood on...and I see the light...knowing I'll make it through...and beyond...my heart aches...not with pain...but understanding...Just as I know what it feels like to step away from that bridge...to believe again...I also know what it feels like...to carry the unbearable weight of life...a life that feels closed...and unforgiving...to clutch that railing...white knuckled...unable to cry...unable to breath...eyes pressed shut...and to feel the pull...into a plunging...downward spiral...to the icy waters below...

I only wish he had looked up...looked around...blinked his eyes...let the light in...Is it awkward to come back from so dark a moment...yes...Is it a struggle to put one foot in front of the other...yes...Is there something...or someone...out there to give us back that initial sense of purpose...yes...and do you have to make those first movements alone...yes...only you can decide to cross that bridge...instead of leap from it...and when others pull away...during your dark time...it is only because those dark times...are reminders to others...how frail and fallible we are as humans...no one wants to be reminded that this is one possible ending to a story...

Just like George Bailey...there is the possibility of a warm room...filled with people who care for you...who are waiting for you to step off the other side of the bridge...to come home...to walk toward the light...the one coming from the street lamp...on your path...to a your own doorstep...No one can drag you there...you have to find your own way there...use a map...a compass...and a fist...if you have to...but come home...bridges are meant to be crossed over...

No matter how dark...no matter how rough...no matter how long...no matter how confusing...George Bailey...really...truly...

It's a wonderful life...

This is for those who have left too soon...too empty...too alone...

Just Like Her...

This week...my friend asked me why I had stopped writing...I told him it was a long story...and that I would be sure to tell him...the next time we had time to talk...there were all sorts of crazy reasons that knocked around...in my head...I was extremely busy...I had writer's block...I am focused on my students...aliens had stolen my computer...I told myself that I was telling the truth...

I write all the time...and I have my students write every day...they write until their pencils break...until their natural reflexes have them pulling pen and paper out of their bags...as soon as they enter my room...and...yet...I haven't been able to write for months in this blog...

I think about the blog all the time...have ideas for posts...begin them often...and then...promptly...let myself down...by not writing...or worse yet...starting a post...only to erase it and walk away...silently berate myself for doing so...

So...here it is J...this is why I haven't written...

I tell people that I have no family...this isn't exactly the truth...I have an aunt...she doesn't know who I am anymore...she thinks she lives in another place and time...she is alone...and wants to be that way...she wants no one...But...there was a time...a time when she was a brilliant...beautiful woman...talented...strong...a teacher...a trail blazer...a woman to be reckoned with...and I look like her...I have...unwittingly...followed in her footsteps...

When I was young...my mother...in jealousy...and driven by her mental illness...screamed at me...all too often...you are just like her...you are just like your aunt...I never felt that I was...I only knew that she was my harbor...my safe port...in the tumultuous ocean...that was my life...She would sweep in...and carry me away to moments of happiness...and safety...this fierce lady...my aunt...

Then I grew older...and she did too...her strength became...unrelenting stubbornness...her beauty became deep seated vanity...her talent became a self-centered hammer...that she would use to drive others into the ground...her ability to trail blaze...became the freight train that would slam into other unsuspecting engines...leaving the dead and dying scattered in the surrounding fields...and when she began to lose he mental faculties...there wasn't anyone left around her to notice...or care...except me...

I tried to be there with her...and for her...until she battered me...to the point of exhaustion...and I left...defeated...ashamed...that I couldn't save her...the way she had saved me...that her once great strength...had become a battering ram that broke my will...and I left her...no...I ran...in fear...

I could hear my mother's voice...you are just like your aunt...I could see my aunt's reflection in the mirror...you are just like her...I looked down...and I saw myself...in her shoes...blazing that trail...teaching...creating....and doing it all alone...the silence deafening...

I'm scared...no...I'm terrified...is there a price to pay for being who I am...do I have to be alone...in order to make a difference...or is being alone...the result of fighting for what I believe to be right...or am I cursed...although I beat all the other labels that have been tossed at me...will I end my days...a scared...lonely woman...who believes she is somewhere else...will I eventually drive everyone away...

As I sit here...in the quiet...in the dark...I pray...please don't let this happen...I feel weak again...I feel small...I feel tossed...once again...on that angry sea of doubt...my voice...lost...in the roars of my greatest fears...and I wonder...did she ever feel this...did she know...did she know her fate...did she ever try to fight for something different...and does mourn now...as I mourn for her...

Dear God...if you exist...please...let me be like my aunt...and not...please...don't leave me alone...please...give me the courage to fight...for my life...as well as others...please...help me untangle myself...from this web...let me have others to hold my hands...and not drive them away...let me rock the boat ...but no longer be tossed upon the rocks...and let me feel peace...before I die...

Just like her...

I'll Save You a Seat...

Most of my life I have been a failure...I've failed to keep my family together...I've failed at marriage...I have failed to maintain personal financial stability...and I've failed many college classes...dropped them first...but failed...

I don't keep my weight from fluctuating...I often don't make my bed...I am not able to raise a dog...I can't help but bring hurt animals home...I irritate people...I go against the grain...I'm a rebel...in a geeky sort of way...My pie crust is less than average...I collect too much stuff...and over extend myself....

I don't work out regularly...and I have a weakness for birthday cake...I struggle sometimes from depression...and I can't have children...I want to be with people...but want to be alone...Sometimes...I cry in the shower...Sometimes...I skip a shower...I skip breakfast too...and...often...lunch...

I struggle with patience...and fall in love too quickly...I believe too long in the wrong people...and not long enough...in those who are right for me...and when I get fed up...I cut ties for good...but I believe in second chances...

I'm not  a joiner...I'm not a follower...I don't like to be tied down...but often do it to myself...I feel too much...and run my mouth more...I am empathetic...and a bulldozer...often at the same time...I am a true believer and....have never believed that anyone would really stay in my life...that I would always be alone...I am a fighter...for others...and a doormat...for those I love...

I know too much...and not enough...I have gifted instincts...and struggle to follow my gut...except...when there is food involved...and lately I am just tired...bone tired...with no patience or filter...and yet...today...all 133 of my students wrote essays for a state test...No one refused...Oh sure...ten wrote the fewest possible sentences...but all the rest...wrote with abandon...some used vocabulary words I had taught them...all in their best handwriting...and every single one of them agreed to retest in reading...to show how smart they really are...and fifty-one signed up for an additional study track...for no additional credit...because I offered...because I asked...and because...somehow...I led them to believe that they are amazing...and not failures...

I'm probably not doing anything right...I know I'm ticking people off...and I'm positive that when I die...I will go to a hell...that has icy water...where I will spend eternity in a rocking boat...because that's what I do...but I promise you...if you join me...I'll offer one...well..one hell of a ride...and don't worry about calling ahead...

I'll save you a seat...