It's a Wonderful Life...

I was eight years old...when I first watched the movie...even at that young age...I connected with George Bailey...wanting so much...huge dreams...and life taking you in another direction.  I knew immediately...I was George...I dreamed of doing great things...of rushing past the bonds that I felt held me back...and just like George...life took me on a crooked path...

Every year...I have watched the movie...and cried...George never was able to leave...he was stuck...he never was able to realize his dream...This past Christmas...I couldn't watch it all the way through...it was just too painful...I had no Clarence to show me what life would be like without me...I was less than George Bailey...I felt alone...

Then today... temperatures rapidly climbing...hot sun beating down...just a slight cool breeze blowing...I thought about George once again...and I smiled...You remember the end...where he comes back...bursting through his living room door...and the house is filled with the town...everyone giving what they can...loving George with every gesture?  I know that moment...

Tonight...two girlfriends...in their 60's...picked me up...fed me fish tacos and margaritas...got me to swear and laugh so loud that people were staring...the air was cool and breezy...my house is almost packed...and I'm broke as can be...my cats ran around in the yard...and my next door neighbor had taken my trash out to the curb...I had laughed at work with a colleague and friend...I had received emails from people who were sad to see me go...and my friend in Otis had a ticket for me to attend...yet another function...

It was fantastic...I was drunk...on margaritas...friendship...freedom...daring...dreams...love...and life...I'm broke and I don't care...I'm in my forties and single...and I don't care...I live alone with two cats...and I don't give a damn...I love it...I love myself...my imperfect...sing songy way of doing things...my matter of factness...my braces coming off tomorrow...my everything up in the air...my diving off a cliff...my brazen...daredevil...I double dog dare you ability to take life by the horns and wrestle it to the ground...

What the hell...through caution to the wind...stand naked on the porch...let the neighbors talk...and grin the entire time... dammit...

It's a wonderful life...

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

I am behind...I'm not a behind...I'm running behind...I could give you lists of things that I should be accomplishing every moment...but who cares...I mean really...I care because all of this applies to me...but it's a bit pointless to bore you with the details of packing my plastic tubs and taking teacher exams...It's my reality...but I don't have to force it on you...I'd like you to keep reading...

But...it did occur to me...that nothing would be much different in my life if I went any faster...I could stay up all night...study every moment...have an acid stomach...wait a minute...I have that...I could worry about everything...make myself sick...I could tear my hair out...figuratively...and call everyone up and complain...but there would still be 24 hours in a day...I would still have to leave on June 3rd...geez...and I would still have too many expenses versus money in my account...It's really quite simple...It is what it is...and that's okay...

This is that moment when one decides..if they are going to enjoy the rollercoaster ride...or complain that it's dangerous and that they are going to die...I mean...you paid the carny...you sat in the seat...and buckled up...while grinning like a jack o' lantern at your friend on the ground...How can you really complain?...Really...And...didn't you really want to ride the ride?...Didn't you ask your whole life...for the opportunity to reach the highest heights...and plunge into space...with complete abandon...Here it is...

If I choose to run as fast as I can...I might miss something...I might trip...No one is going to be impressed...and I won't see...anything...anyone...I won't enjoy the moments...and they will be gone...and I won't get them back...There won't be a do-over...Sometimes you have the luxury of retracing your steps...But...truthfully...I may never pass this way again...

Yesterday...as I was pulled over...for speeding...I started to feel my mind spin out of control...and then...I stopped...On one side of my car...was a polite policewoman...fresh faced and kind...and at my passenger side...stood her significant other...a Lieutenant...who knew me from the jail...and the work I do...To the untrained eye...it looked like a drug bust...But as I was asked about my future plans...and told the disappointment everyone would feel by my leaving...I realized I was busted...busted for not appreciating that I was leaving a footprint...in a community...that has become my home...that I will miss...that I consider returning to...This was a moment to remember...Ticket or no ticket...I mattered...and so do they...those that I could easily run by...

So...I guess what I'm saying is...if it matters...you shouldn't have to race...Bludgeoning everyone around you with your big moment...it means nothing if you have to kick them in the jimmy to accomplish your goals...I have to think...if those moments become your last...how much of you would be looking forward...and how much would be looking back...at the faces...the ones you missed...while you were racing by...

Faster than a speeding bullet...

This is a Test...This is Only a Test...

Tomorrow morning...I will sit in a room with other twenty something year olds...and I will attempt to pass a Praxis exam so that I can teach kids...I'm pretty sure that I will hate this exam as much as I hated them as a child...I can already feel the anxiety rising to my eyebrows...and I am positive that there is a goat in the room...I must really want to teach because I am putting myself in situations that I swore off years ago...In some ways tomorrow is a metaphor for my entire past year...

It seems that I keep finding myself presented with unusual situations...challenges...if you will...that measure my ability to move forward in life...and even as I find my successes...I find that I am periodically looking over my shoulder...I can't decide if I'm expecting to see someone racing up behind me...or if I expect to see me racing wildly behind...well...me...But...I have to be truthful...I am starting to...not be afraid...not feel panic...and to stand still...I'm not sure when it happened...I'm not sure when the devastation stopped...It's as if one morning I woke up with my number two pencil...in my hand...and it was actually sharpened...and I wasn't stabbing myself...

Oh...I've had moments...moments when I felt a tiny shiver run down my spine...and then it's gone...no longer do I struggle for days with issues...like the drawn out sound of nails dragging across a chalkboard...I don't even feel the need to haul my old skeletons out of the closet...of course...that could be because I've sold them all...and dragged the random bones to the curb...I just don't feel like I am holding anything in...or down...or back...I actually feel good about myself...I think...for the first time in my life...I'm starting to sleep at night...I feel as if I am ready for everything...and in those times that I'm not...well...I'm just not...it happens...sometimes you are caught off guard...and that's okay...I mean...it really is okay...I still care...it just doesn't rip my heart out...

There are still people who don't like me...there are still people who do...Isn't that the way it is for everyone?...The fact is that for the first time in my life...I don't feel like everything and everyone...is revolving around my choices...What an unbelievably miserable feeling it has been...forever...that I would do some tiny thing and ruin the world...

Don't get me wrong...I still believe in the butterfly effect...I believe we have a responsibility to respect life and others...that we have certain duties to be the very best we can be...not to sound like an Army commercial...but there is that responsibility to ourselves...But...in those moments...when we feel small...feel frail...it's alright...that is the best that we can be...at that moment...and someone else's best will comfort us...and tell us that everything will be alright...

I told a woman today...that she needed to turn herself over to the police...and I watched her cry...not in a pleading way...but in an I'm so tired way...and there was a beauty in that moment...as if she was crying truthful tears for the first time...She asked me why this was happening...Why couldn't she get out of this situation...and I could see in her tear filled eyes that she was giving in...to the moment...and I held her hand...and said firmly and evenly...

This is a test...this is only a test...

Same Candy Bar...Different Wrapper...

There you are...standing in a 7Eleven...mild hunger rumbles in your belly...but really you are just craving...it's not a need...it's a desire.  Oh...it's going to be different one this time...not the usual...That sweet goodness is going to make you giddy...is going to calm the desire fire...you are going to get what you deserve...

So many to choose from...but you are smart...you remember the last time...the wrapper was shiny...and it sure looked delicious...rippling in that package...and when you put your face close...you could pick up it's scent...and you knew it was going to be the one...this one is going to take the place of all the rest...is what you said...But when you took it home...spent some time with it...tried to savor the moments...it turned out to be less than you had hoped...not as delicious as expected...And all the nuts that came with it...that was too much...

Ok...you are taking your time...this time...you always rushed before....but you've learned...You inspect each one...put your hands on them...being careful not to show too much interest...and not hold it in your hand...Holding it too long would cause it to take on the shape of your grasp...Then you might have to buy it...Let's just keep it light...nonchalant...And you are definitely by-passing the nuts...They aren't good for you...They break your teeth...make you hurt inside...and you just don't need the misery...

This one looks good...the packaging is tight...you can see the shape of this one...it looks yummy...Oh wait...what about that one?...It looks crisp...much more interesting than the mushy ones...You need one with substance...and it needs to be sweet...but not too sweet...Hmmmm...this is more challenging than you expected...

What about this one?...Or maybe...that one...wait a minute...You haven't seen that one before...It starts to get tiring...reading the labels...investing time to make the just right choice...Maybe it's the color that makes one better than another...Maybe its the really big...super-sized ones...or the ones that cost more money...Maybe money means quality...Or is it the simplicity...maybe simple is better...Oh God...it should have taken less time than this...You wish it would jump out at you...

Now the desire...is actually turning into pure hunger...and it hurts...It almost feels like what you end up choosing ...won't be enough...Choose...You can feel the sweat trickle down the side of your face...Choose...Everyone is looking at you...Choose...The pressure is building up...Choose...Who keeps saying that?...Choose...Alright...Alright...Choose...I'll take this one...Choose...

And...as you open it...you know already...that you are going to be terribly disappointed...It's as if you already know what this will taste like...It's almost as if you have been here before...but that's impossible...this one said New & Improved...Wait a minute...What was that?...Oh no...it's nuts too...even more than the last one...It looked like it would be different...or maybe you had just hoped...After all...it was taking you so long to find the right one...that you were starting to stand out in the crowd...alone...or at least it felt like it...and didn't someone just walk by and say it's just a piece of candy...You should be happy with what you've got...You say to yourself...Why did you rush?...You had wanted to find something different this time...you let the pressure get to you...Instead of something different...

It's the same candy bar...different wrapper...

Pound for Pound....

This is something that I never talk about...oddly enough...I don't think this is necessarily a male topic...but then...the world has changed and there are pressures on men...that used to not be there...I've had a love/hate relationship with my weight...since I was ten...I don't talk about it because...as women...we beat ourselves up...and then beat up other women whom we perceive to be in a better situation than we are...it doesn't matter that we don't know anything about their feelings or situation...we take no prisoners...

I started developing at the age of eight...by the time I was ten...I had curves in all the wrong places...I wore women's clothing and full A cup...My weight fluctuated weekly...and my mother had taken to calling me a fat pig at the dinner table...she also sent me to school with diet bars...It was horrible...I was obsessed with food...and couldn't bear to look in the mirror...

By the time I reached high school...I had to make my own clothes...because I never knew what size I would be...We were poor...so the dietary contents of the household were carbohydrates...with a side of lard...with a cup of sugar...and at the same time...I had two younger sisters who could eat a whole pizza...and lose two pounds...seriously...and a my loving mother made sure to point out that I should be like them...in every way...I tried...but failed...

Now...because I am hour-glassed shaped...I carry it well....What that means...is that if I dress right...you can't really tell how overweight I am...I always weigh 15-20 pounds more than people realize...One would think that is a blessing...it's not...If I can't fit into my clothes...and have safety pins under my blouse holding everything in place...I am snapped at by other women when I mention that I need to do something about my weight...I am verbally shredded if I attempt commiserate with a female on monthly weight gain...or the value of upping my exercise quotient...so silently...I hold my head in my hands...as I continue to struggle...just like everyone else...

I have been told by men that I have a belly...that I could stand to lose some weight...that maybe I should consider plastic surgery...and definitely pass up dessert...My ex husband wouldn't touch me for the last three years of our marriage...the man before him told me that the best part of me was my abs...when I was starving myself...and then when I started eating again...told me that I looked like a marshmallow...and my greatest terror is that with each new relationship...I will have to take off my clothes...and they will see...whatever it is that they see...when they look at me...

At the same time...I am not allowed to speak of this with any female friends...with females in general...because as women...we only see what we don't have...what someone else has...and how secretly we hate them for it...I mean...that's really why my mother hated me...I was her rival...I've hated other women for breathing in and out...for being beautiful...for drawing the admiring eyes of my partners...the truth is that I struggle to see my own value...hate myself for my flaws...and project that hate on other women...If I focused on my own value...I wouldn't have time to weigh my worth myself against anyone else...

It's unrealistic to say that we should always be happy with who we are...we are constantly changing...and change comes from seeing things that we want to experience in a different way...but truthfully...in that...we...as women...should be willing to accept that pain comes in different packages...that we don't own pain...we don't have a lock on disappointment or sorrow...and that the world doesn't stop because of us...that there can be great comfort in having your hand held by another woman...no matter her size...if you both can look through the other's eyes...Maybe if we responded to each other with more compassion...and empathy...instead of bitter judgement...we might find that we would lose a few pounds...just from putting down that chip on our shoulder...maybe that small...challenging step...could lighten our load...and pull others closer to us rather than driving them away...I'm trying to do that...just taking it step by step...

And...pound for pound...

It Ain't Nothin' But a Thang...

I find it interesting that I periodically receive responses to my blog...that...well...have an edge to them....as if...just maybe...I pressed someone's hot button...It's also interesting...to me...that this blog is about me...so...I can...well...talk about how I feel...The even more interesting observation I've made...is that it has been presented to me...that maybe I've had plenty of relationships...I don't need anymore...But...that doesn't make sense...Isn't everything about relationships?...

Let's say you come from a big family...Catholic...16 kids...don't laugh...this is a real family...with a really tired woman popping them out...So...for one person that's 15 relationships...right out of the gate...Does that mean they only get...maybe five more?...What about your school years?...What the hell do you do with that?...Don't talk to me...or pass me a note...I've only got five more relationships in my life...and I don't want to waste it on you...loser...

Not to say that we have to be like Zsa Zsa Gabor...and roll through partnerships...But then...who cares?...She found love...and then it went away...then she found it again...We are humans...we long for companionship...we weren't meant to be alone...Look what happened to the Unibomber...He spent a lot of time alone and built a bomb...I spend a lot of  time alone...and I caught myself pretending to scratch on the scratching post...with my cat...and I fell in a trash can...

And what about the difference between quantity...and quality?...So...my first husband put my head into a wall...and dragged me through the house...um...does that count as a relationship?  What about the one date wonders I went out with...one date and they were gone?...Are we counting those as relationships?....If I talk with a telemarketer too long...is that a relationship?...He wants my money too...wait a minute...that might be a relationship...hmmmmm...

I guess I'm just surprised...we all reach out...we want to be with the one we are with...or someone else...or someone else's someone else...We purchase pets...talk with our neighbors...go to clubs and hope someone dances with us...Most of us are on Facebook...and we get pissed when someone unfriends us...hell...that's a breakup...

I'm not making less of relationships...I'm just saying that...it's okay to want them...There is no magic number...and in order to have them...you have to be out there meeting people...trying them on...dates or friends...and they are kind of like pants...they may fit for awhile...and you may grow out of them...or they break down...or they disappear...That doesn't mean you have to walk around half naked...

We were meant to be complete...and then share ourselves with others...and if you are blessed to find that special someone...who you spend the rest of your life with...then you are blessed...because that doesn't happen for every person...indefinitely...So why worry?...Why get bent out of shape about my quest for the one thing that has been so illusive...and that I wasn't raised to have...it's not your problem....hell...

It ain't nothin' but a thang....

Not Even God Can Sink this Ship....

Isn't is funny...how just verbalizing something can cause a butterfly effect in the universe?  Take the Titanic...for instance...perfect in every way...a ship to end all ships...even Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On...could not embody the beauty of this steam liner...and all it took was one braggart to sink it...Most say it was the iceberg that brought about it's demise...Others might say it was the foolhardy choices of a few individuals...I say it was one sentence...

I know this sounds superstitious...but I don't think so...my experience has taught me that clearing your mind...focus of thought...and verbalizing a thought or desire can cause it to happen...Just look at how many people bought The Secret...I mean basically the book is a bunch of words that equal one sentence...you can bring something to you by asking for it...

This...of course...opens a can of worms...it can be good or bad....energy is energy...and we have the ability to attract both...But here's what scares me...sometimes I feel that my energy inspires...or better yet incites...in others...desires that make their world fall apart...the world that they know...whether it is good or bad...

Not that long ago...I asked someone...who clearly did not like me...what their thoughts about me were...they replied...after an eye roll...that "there is no doubt that your enthusiasm is infectious..."  My ex told me that most people often think outside the box...and that I live outside the box...and then he left...

So...what am I supposed to do?  Stop reaching for more...Stop saying out loud what I want?...Stop desiring and dreaming?...Oddly enough...the only one that seems to get hurt is me...I don't hurt other people with my dreams...my goals...my faith...but I sure do find myself alone...I mean I have good friends...people who care about me...even to the point of looking out for me...and I am blessed...

But late at night...when the lights are out...and the moon is shining it's light through my bedroom window...I lay alone...and I have for a long time...maybe I have my entire life...I have to watch reruns of Medium to get my fill of a happy marriage...or look at pictures on other people's Facebook...or have Sunday lunch with my happy couple friends...and I don't begrudge them that happiness...but I want it too...and I am terribly afraid that I am too much for anyone to survive...

I could be cursed like the Titanic...but I just can't help that I want to fight against that...sure I'm afraid that there is truth to my lament...but I don't take anything sitting down...I never give up...and it is physically and emotionally impossible for me to stop believing...Maybe I'm just looking for justice...Maybe I'm just looking for the Holy Grail...Maybe I'm just a stubborn ass...I guess I don't care...I didn't take TaeBo aerobics for three years to get beat up in a back alley...by the fates...So...I'm putting up my dukes...I'm moving my feet...keeping my body moving...C'mon Universe...put 'em up...

Not even God can sink this ship...