This is Stupid....

I lived in chaos as a child....but I was naturally a child of logic.  I could always see creative roads to an end result....but if the path had too many twists and turns...I would immediately shift gears to a more linear way of thinking.  Ultimately...this resulted in heaps of trouble and piles of sorrow....but being stubborn...and forever following my inner compass...I persevered.

In my twenties...as I stopped listening to that inner linear voice...my friend asked why I was going the long way around a problem instead of directly towards it...she was right.  What was doing?...Why would I choose the more difficult and truly risky path of dancing around the real solution?  Probably because we all do it...and if we're not doing it society is pushing us to do it...

So...today should have been easy...but it wasn't...it was filled with red tape and passing the buck...instead of the buck stops here.  An agency managed and motivated by the real Fear Factor...stopped my helping a former client because that might "make us liable"....REALLY...because if that person did something to hurt them-self...after I had been contacted and said "I can't because that might make me liable" ....THAT wouldn't make me liable?  That is stupid...

So...my making someone aware of a serious problem...in a timely manner...garners me a email lashing because everyone feels the need to cover themselves...instead of just dealing with the problem...That is stupid...Having a meeting....to discuss having a meeting...That is stupid

Verbally beating everyone up because something is not working in your own life...therefore...driving away people who really want to help...That is just plain stupid...

Getting on an online dating site...posting that you are looking for the real thing and only want someone who understands commitment...then asking the person who responds what their favorite position is...right out of the gate...That is just stupid...

Calling up the pharmacy discount provider...after they have confused your prescription order...and blocked your ability to order the prescription anywhere else....being put on hold four times...after they hung up on you twice...and then you have to explain five times what they did to your pharmacy order...do I really need to say this?  Yes...I do....That is stupid....

Having five supervisors....that just deserves the word...stupid...Thinking I'm going to give you something...if you keep asking...and I said no the first time....you only get the ST.....

What is it with our society?  With all the things that need our attention...homelessness...abuse...mental illness...hunger...addiction...racism...falling high school graduation rates...my cat losing two teeth mysteriously...what are we doing?!  Why are we wasting everyone's time?  Don't talk about it...do it...in our jobs...relationships...with our kids...with our community...with our government...with our freedom of speech...and loopholes...and large corporations...and letting the rich get richer...cut it out...and get down to the real business....the business of doing....

God...What am I doing?  I'm just winding myself up....This is stupid...

Sometimes You Have to Risk It All...

All my life I have taken risks....not the type that bring oooooohhhs and aaaahhhhs from people...nothing that anyone will ever write about...well...I guess I'm writing about it....Ok...nothing that will bring me fame...but there have been risks...some calculated...some flying leaps...

I have done things that others would be too embarrassed to do...I have willing made a fool of myself for love....I've gone against advice that birthed from jealousy or negative places...I have rebelled against entrapment...status quo...the in crowd...I have tried things that everyone was afraid of...that everyone said wouldn't work....and I often act first and apologize later for things that are for a greater good....

I am a true believer....and I can't be broken...I don't want to change from that young girl who could wipe her bloodied nose and whisper...I will surprise you all...One day you will be sorry...I will be happy and you can't stop me...I will do great things...

I can feel that I am on the cusp of something huge....something bigger than myself...something immense and profound...I can feel my feet moving toward the edge...the edge of a great decision...that will change everything...Can I do this?...What if this is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life?...What if this is the test...the true test of my courage?...Will I fail?...Will I meet this head up and head on?...

I pray...to I have no idea whom...that I am ready for this...that I will meet this challenge...this task...with strength...with excitement...with creativity...and with complete abandon....for I am due...I deserve this...I deserve to be set on the edge and allowed to dive into air...and spiral...and free fall to my destiny...my true fate...

I could pull back...I could try to plan...I could second guess...No...Sometimes you have to risk it all...

If It Can't Breathe....

I was taught from a very young age that my life is not my own....it is owned by others...and I fought that concept like a lion.  People rebel in many ways...some sneak out in the middle of the night...some drink...use drugs...sleep with lots of people...I never rebelled that way.  I rebelled by not breaking...openly.  I wanted everyone to know that I couldn't be broken...no one could force me to do anything...

In some ways this protected me from myself and the things that could have potentially destroyed me...as I see many of my clients destroyed...At the same time...the harder I fought like a lion...the smaller my self-imposed cage became...until one day it was like a cat carrier...

I blamed everyone for caging me...for trapping me with promises...words of love...connecting with my desires...giving me what I demanded...and I went willingly...and I stayed willingly...I allowed my great mane to be sheared...and I sat in shame.  I had fought so hard that I didn't know how to do anything else...so I created battles...I created foes....I sought out misery and despair...

Now...I often think where I be if I had used all of that fierceness to move forward in life...instead of staying in one place fighting imaginary battles...Where would I be now?...Would I have ever married?...Did I need to do all of this to become something wonderful...or was it a waste of time and energy?

No matter the what ifs...I cannot blame anyone for who I am...I chose to be this way...I chose all the wonderful things that have happened in my life...and I chose most of the pain...I don't know if it was meant to be...or if it was wasted time...I do know that I've only grown when I have space to swallow in great gulps of air and exhale without reproach...from others...and myself...

I believe that is what we all want...it is why we rebel...why we fight...fight to be free or fight to shackle someone else...we want to have the ability to make things the way that we want them...The trouble is that whether we are fettered or someone else is...whether we are standing still or someone else is...it's not freedom...One doesn't gain any more freedom by pushing or holding someone else than we do pushing or holding back ourselves....

We were meant to be free and someone who allows that is the the someone that we will return to...even being true to our inner self...I clung to my ex when he decided to leave...to escape...after he had tried to put me in a box...I should have known better...I should have been wiser....but now I know...

Everything finds escape...no one grows...nothing stays...if it can't breathe....

They Have to Say They're Different...

One of the several unwanted experiences connected with divorce is dating....don't get me wrong...I love men...I love the experience of that attraction associated with eyes meeting...wanting each other...fascinated by the not so fascinating things that we all do...two puzzle pieces coming together...it's a fit...or at least it feels that way...

No matter how many dates I go on...back when I was still throwing myself out there...each person was different...unusual...nothing like the last person who asked me out...and for the most part...none of them pointed out that there was anything different...unusual...they may have hoped that was the case...but they never brought it to my attention...

I know that I am fairly unusual in my approach to things...that seems to only help in my work...not in my intimate relationships....I don't play games...I'm very straightforward...and I know what I want and don't want...even if I try to bend or stretch myself....I can't pretend...especially with myself...I don't know if that is good or bad...and after ten years of constantly being caught up in traps and manipulation...I feel a bit too street smart and bluntly sharp...I know that's not good....

So...none of the dates have become anything...and I am lucky to make it to a second date...Actually...I think I'm probably lucky that I don't make it to the second date...it just means that I find out right away that it was not the right fit....And...even in that...things have been consistently the same for me...and I never point all of these things out to the other person...I let the chips fall as they may...

But...every once in awhile I have connected with someone and they have said immediately that they aren't like everyone else...Not oddly enough...they have done all the same things that everyone does...had the same fears...same slips...same faltering in confidence or overconfidence...any uniqueness they might have is lost in my seeing the similarities to others...Same diving in and running away...the few that have remained behind have become friends...and there were similarities in that...

In fact...even my belief that I am different...is the exact same feeling that all women have...that all men have...I am so different...my story is so unusual...no one will ever understand me...it's all the same...all the same...To go a step further...I think we are all overly dramatic...including myself...about what we feel our differences are...What makes us each unique are not the things we think are unique...it's the things that we ignore about ourselves...

The next time we weigh heavily on what we feel makes us stand out...maybe we should run through the list of feelings...shame..elation...humorous...angry...scared...and remind ourselves that the stories look and sound unique...but the moral of the story and the emotions connected to it are universal...we're just looking for someone who fits into our story...who recognizes its' similarities to their own...

If nothing else...you can be reminded of our sameness...when you sit across from someone...and they have to say they're different....

Devil at My Door....

It is amazing to me how my new found freedom has unfettered me...in ways I had not imagined...I no longer feel as though I were wearing a huge target on my chest...I do what I want when I please...or I do nothing at all...and that pleases me too...No apologies...no racing to put something in order...to avoid the disappointed gaze or the heckling for my choices....

No more "setting you on fire to see what you will do"...that used to be a large part of my life....and...although sleep still doesn't come easily...I can lay in bed and watch a movie...as long as I like...I can read and watch a movie at the same time...I can eat in bed...or beside it...around it...and sleep in the crumbs....or stare...depending on the night...

I'm not completely "there" yet...but each day I'm feeling tougher...in a good way...things are starting to roll off my back and I just keep chipping away to gain more freedom....It's easier for me to say no...to screen calls...to jump in my car for a trip...or stay in my PJ's all day and nap on the couch with the cats...all three of us stretched out and piled on top of each other...purring....

With all that new found bravery...there are risks...It's risky to sling around your courage...it can find itself challenged.  You can find yourself surprised at who might come a callin'....Every action is asking the universe for a reaction...a response...and the responses are never exactly what we expect...So...I remind myself that a little freedom can be a good thing...and a bad thing....After all...you know what they said about the Titanic..."Not even God can sink this ship..." and Leonardo and Kate know what happened....

I better be careful...the next time I hear knocking...it could be the devil at my door...

Some Things Just Leave a Lasting Impression....

It's been a year since I took my wedding ring off my hand...For months there was a white...untanned ring around  that finger...Summer came and went and the color of my hand evened...but this odd dent remained around that finger...Over this past year...I have used lotions...scrubs...and massaged the flesh to allow it to bounce back...reshape itself...I wanted that indention to disappear....

For the rest of myself...I went to see a counselor...it was okay...but there wasn't anything unusual that I was talking about....So...I dove into work....it was good but didn't fill in the empty space that had been left behind....I had garage sales...to clean out the things that were weighing me down...but I was still smothered.

I moved to different location...it's okay...but I dragged everything about my life with me.  I dated...and dated...and dated...then stopped.  I lost weight on my body....but still had weight on my mind....I applied to Teach for America...was accepted...and those wheels are in motion....and that's good....but I still stop...at least once a week...and realize that I have nothing to keep me from going...and then I feel the same weightlessness that I felt when I was skydiving...it's still slightly uncomfortable underneath the excitement.....

I try to move slowly through each decision I make....I started this blog...which has become a passion and an outlet for my thoughts and words...and it has been oddly healing...I am exploring aspects of my personality and responses that I feel need work...and I'm working on them each day...and I can feel the difference each day...Everything about me is not changing...but evolving....and I feel good...

But...I still struggle to fall asleep at night...and when I do sleep...I dream vividly about all my life's hurts...all the things I've never dealt with before...all the people that I have allowed to hurt me and then begged for their forgiveness...Those deep gouges in my psyche are slowly healing...It's all part of the process...

As I drove to work today...I looked down at my hand...hoping that my finger would look single....and even as the sun shone down on my skin...I could still see the groove where the band had sat for six years....No matter what you do...in the end...it is time that heals all wounds....

You have to face facts...some things just leave a lasting impression...

You're Nobody till Somebody Hates You....

It's wonderful to have someone love you...the birds sing...your heart soars...you feel invincible...you're funnier...your cheeks are flushed...everything is easier...blah, blah, blah....it's true...it's just a fact...everything feels better and safer.  The other fact is that you don't really know what you are made of...until someone really hates you...I'd like to say that I have never experienced that...but I'd be lying...I am that personality...that person that you love or hate...no one ever feels ambivalent about me...

The first strong woman relationship I ever had was with my mother...and...well...most of the time she hated me...and was pretty open about it...it messed me up as a kid...and I really struggled through my early adult years because of that...I think there were people who hated me that didn't have to...I brought it on myself...Hard-headed...didn't want anyone to think I was weak...and really...I was a mess inside...and believed that everyone would eventually hate me...so...I either begged for their love or did things to make them hate me ahead of time....it was all about fear...and I was full of it....But I learned a lot...and eventually I found a way to have more love in my life...I'm still learning...

I learned that people make many decisions about other people before that person opens their mouth...They decide within the first six seconds who you are....sometimes they are right...often they are wrong....Most of the time...when someone hates you...it's not about you...it's about them...you inspire fear in them...they feel less confident...less attractive...less interesting...and not so bright...in so many ways...and they hate you for breathing in and out and inspiring those inept feelings...So...what do you do?...Nothing...Sounds odd...but you can't do anything about someone else's feelings...they love you or they don't...

I know in the past....I have twisted myself up like a pretzel to win back love...or give someone what they wanted...even when they didn't know what they wanted...and it just doesn't work...because that is nothing about love...just self-loathing...I'm not saying that if someone is a thorn in your side because they hate you that kicking the sofa or yelling in the woods on a hike isn't helpful....it is...because I've done it...I felt slightly better...But at the end of the day...you really need to know who you are and what you are really responsible for...what actions you need to own....

The experience of someone hating you lets you know where your insecurities are and if you really...really believe in yourself...because when you are in a room alone with them...they don't believe in you...I deal every day with someone who clearly can't stand my presence...and I'm thankful to her...she reminds me every day that I have to believe in myself...that I need to love myself...and that if I don't have myself together...I need to figure it out...but fast...because I need to have my own back....

Love is the easy part...but you can truly appreciate it when you experience its' absence....I wish this weren't true but struggle builds character...it's when you discover...you're nobody till somebody hates you...