My Words in the Wind...

When I was eight...I was told a parable...about a woman who did not understand the power of her words...she was asked to take a feather pillow...tear it open...and shake it in the wind...when she did...the feathers scattered to the four corners of the earth...the feathers are your words...then she was told to go and collect all the feathers...I cannot I'll never find them all-there is no way to get all of them back...

Recently...I have found myself discussing communication...well...the act of using your words...choosing carefully...before you speak...not because I am an expert at this...for I am not...it was only to express to another person...that once you have spoken...you have spoken...the words are out there...forever...they will affect...for a long time...and with each interaction we had...I could see feathers adrift in the sky...the utter helplessness...in the face of my opposition...as wicked pin feathers fell from their mouth...caught up in the swirling storm surrounding them...I walked away...because I could no longer sift through...to see the person...

That parable...had such an effect on me...that I have spent much of my life...with my lips clamped shut...in abject terror...of what might slip out of my mouth...I did not feel that I could control words...When I did...finally...choose to speak...I was ill prepared for the act of speaking...so much so...that my right leg increased its' muscle development...due to hopping...as I spent too many years...with my left foot...lodged in my mouth...

Ironically...our society has been barreling...toward communication without thought...We have so many devices to help us vomit our thoughts...only to find ourselves on our hands and knees...attempting to wipe up our mess...or...simply walk away...leaving others in our stink...To be fair...we all need to experience...putting our words out there...and then apologizing afterwards...unfortunately...many only get the first part...and never attempt the second...and then...to add irony to the ironical...we flee in the face of words...that should be used...every chance we get...I'm sorry...what do you think...thank you...excuse me...not to be confused with excuse me...please...I was wrong...yes...when it is right...no...when your conscience nudges you...and...I love you...

I have found...after a lot of hopping around...that if I keep a healthy dose of these words accessible at all times...I have little to regret...and when I use the words...no regret..I don't mean...speaking without conscience...I really mean...that my heart and my head...come together...embrace...and the words spill out...beautiful goose down...flitting gracefully...aloft on breezes...to the far edges of the earth...

The more I practice...the more comfort I feel...in saying...and receiving these words...and I believe...that  each day I move closer...to letting everyone connected to me...know how I feel about them...in a positive...nurturing way...even in the most awkward times...I love them...to the core of my being...I love them for all the laughter...challenges...quirks...disappointments...and picture perfect moments...in walking away...I don't love them less...just differently...if I stay...it is because I love them with abandon...and I'm not afraid to say it...every day...I cannot control responses...but I know that I do have it within me to control...

...my words in the wind...

No Accidental Passenger...

Weeks have rolled by since my last post...I have been travelling...not a new experience for me...I often wonder at my ability...to start over...There are moments of marvel...and then...there are the moments of concern...I constantly struggle...to offer...my complete...wholehearted...permission...to myself...and my desires...to always try new things...new people...new places...

Before my big transition...my move from one part of the country...to the other...back home...to the place...that I have discovered I belong...I viciously stripped myself of belongings...dragging my past to the curb...passing the belongings...that I had believed...were deeply rooted...in my heart...to anyone who passed my driveway...and finally...when I could no longer force my muscles to move...I simply walked to my car...stepped in...started the engine...and drove away...

For days...I have awakened with moments of horror...as I remembered...this item...or that...which I had...just left...even my former roommate and friend has shaken her head...at the neatly left behind items...each of us whispering...I can't believe this was left behind...Just as suddenly...as these thoughts...threaten to haunt me...a sense of relief washes over me...and I feel like I can breath again...in a way that I never have before...Yet...even in these odd moments...of new found freedom...I have found myself asking this question...even though the things are gone...am I still carrying...with me...on my back...the heaviest burden of all...me...

I wonder...how many of us...clean out our life...of the physical...items...treasures...things we worship...people...and travel great distances...only to find ourselves...steeped...in the same situations...complications...relationships...problems...perplexed about the how and the why...I mean...it only makes sense that...throwing out the garbage...would make room for the new...the better...the healthy...yet...all that extra space we've created...suddenly fills...with the same...

I truly can't point a finger at others...the fact is...I still have...things...I have not learned to let go...I really don't have much left...that I can throw out...or drag to the street...or give away...and I'm okay with that...but it does leave plenty of open air space...for me to see...what I keep bringing to the table...what I wear like a trusty backpack...what I keep putting into the universe...what I keep attracting...I'm not punishing myself for trying...but I have to do more than hope...hope for a change...for something better...I have to do more than try...because trying isn't getting me voted off the island...that I am trying so desperately to exit...

I have no answers yet...I have plenty of questions...yet for all my ignorance...about myself...and the choices I have made...one thing is quite clear...I may have lightened my load...I may have packed my car...and driven over 1000 miles to reconnect with a place...that I once ran from...but the seat next to me was filled...with someone I have traveled beside my whole life...someone who...only I am responsible for...She may be many things...but she's...

...no accidental passenger...