A-Head of the Pride...

With a few hours of nothing in particular to do...and high speed internet...combined with the Discovery Channel page...I found myself digging deep...into the world of lions...Please don't try to understand my reasoning...it just happened...sort of like YouTube happens...you just lose time...

As a lifelong cat lover...anyone who knows me well would agree...intertwined with the fact that I have always prided myself on the amount of useless knowledge I have...I focused on these great beasts...but...only a few moments of research...opened my eyes to all that I didn't know...which happened to be a lot...

Lions are very social animals...sharing the responsibilities...all of them...even the leader...from hunting...to rearing young...They..seemingly...have no time for this is mine...and that's yours...humbly working together...to care...in cooperation...in ruling...for they find that working alone...well...leads to danger and death...and...although the cats don't live forever...the group lasts for an extremely long time...Ironically...their group unit is called...a pride...

I started thinking...about...not just the past two years...but...my entire life...I have traveled in groups...I have helped others...and I've helped myself...as an island...unto myself...quite sure that I needed no one...
I can't remember that last time...in my life...that I have not contemplated my motivations...even when I was lying to myself...and I have made it through a lot...I became a lone machine...capable of breaking through walls...belief systems...glass ceilings...and two years ago...I decided that I would bring my greatness...to another part of the country...

I was proud to live simplified...but then...I just couldn't let this go...or let that lay...I was extremely confident...that I had my fingers...on the pulse...of forward movement...of success...and I hunted for opportunities...to do what I do best...and roar...for those that couldn't roar for themselves...What I discovered...was that most of my moments here...have been filled with dangers...I have faced my mortality...more than I believed possible...I also discovered...there were so many ways...to hit rock bottom...and my eyes were opened to what I didn't know...which happened to be a lot...

All the while I was struggling...my inner pride...kept me from admitting...that I couldn't do more here...that I was often...not wanted...that it didn't matter who I thought I was...the only thing I have control over...is me...and yet I sat...head in my hands...staring at the ground...refusing to look to my past...for the good...wonderful things that I had...and...the possibility...that I already had a home...before I went...deep... into the jungle...searching for a new one...

Maybe sometimes...it takes hitting the rock bottom...beneath the rock bottom...to truly humble us...we are so proud...of being proud...that our pride...won't let us...see what is all around us...You think you are humble...sleeping on an air mattress...close to the earth...until the air escapes...and you find yourself...on the earth...until you have sold everything...that you believed to be valuable...and you are alone...while you are doing this...so full of yourself...that there is no room for help...and cooperation...and the only way out is...on your knees...crawling...forgetting all your awards...that diploma...the image you created...and that you are a survivor...because none of those things landed...in your hands...without others...back when you thought you were king of the jungle...and that your roar...could make things happen...

And so...I finally looked behind me...for all the right reasons...and there is that door...wide open...it had never closed...it was the draft that I kept feeling at my back...when I could never feel warmth...in 100 degree temperatures...and 100 percent humidity...and...although...I did make a difference...just by trying...by setting things in motion...I'm not convinced...that there is any worth...in traveling alone...and now that I understand what it means to work without others...I want to be a part...just a part...of something good...working in cooperation toward the greatness of another entity...and trading my simplified life...for just...simple...With this being said...I turn...and face west...I am headed home...now that I am truly...

a-head of the pride...

The Long and the Short of It...

Two years ago...I began this blog...this journal...or short essays...that chronicled my thoughts...beliefs...and constantly changing inner landscape...as I pursued uncovering a woman who was raised to lack confidence...to be alone...to need someone to complete me...to be a victim...and during that time...I have spoken...from my heart...shared many of my secrets...and explored my motivations...in the hopes that I would emerge...a better person...Early...early...in my journey...I spoke of the relationship I had with my hair...I actually think of this topic often...

I'm not a religious person...I was raised to be...but my life...and family...led me to see only hypocrisy...in something that spoke of freedoms...in a tight box of rules...and judgement...much like my mother's judgement of whether I should be allowed to have long locks...and I created my own confined beliefs...of why I should have the hair of romance novels...and bad fiction...and yet...I found myself contemplating religion...and hair...through the biblical tale of Sampson and Delilah...Sampson...a virile...strong man...had long and lustrous curls...and when he let his guard down...the person he trusted...a woman...clipped his hair short...and his strength...evaporated...

I...a woman...have been told...verbally...in whispers...or loudly...and in subtle...more sinister ways...by society...and media...that I would lose all my power...as a woman...if I cut off my hair...that I would be less desirable...I would look like a man...or worse...I would be considered one of those women...you know...the ones who no longer like men...and I awoke this morning...with a question...why do I care...

The fact is...I learned from my mother...that I was no one...if I was not with a man...and so I tried...I worried...I chased...I tried to be chased...and chaste...I have dated...married...divorced...and shared my wares...with many...I have twisted myself...conformed...been silent...been charming...and funny...and worn my hair...in a million ways...to please men...and the only time it has pleased me...was when it was cropped...short...I mean short...the way I like...thanks to Jennifer Lawrence...I was reminded of the freedom of a look...that says...I don't want you to focus on my mane...because the main draw about me...is...and should be...just me...

I suddenly felt sorry for Sampson...that his vanity...was his strength...and that a woman was blamed...for introducing the idea...that strength is not about appearance...it's about what you carry inside you...I am no longer about my hair...I am not that girl...who could not stand with confidence...singularly...not alone...but with room around her...for more important things...than needing someone else to define her...

I also realized...that I have not been taking care of myself...the way I should...I have let myself down...allowed a floundering...of my soul...and I have allowed my best...brilliant self to be covered...weighted down...with poor habits...and fear...that I needed to look a certain way...to receive the respect I deserve...and I have covered my mind...and face...to attract...all the things I already have...from someone else...

My decision...in thirty days...from today...I will enter a salon...with a recent picture of Jennifer Lawrence...and pay too much money...for my hair to be clipped...cropped...and possibly highlighted...not because I want attention...but because...I think my hair has been getting in the way...covering too much of my mind...and too many hours have been spent...grooming myself for a mate...instead my future...

Oh...there will be remarks...and pitying looks...from men and women...many will be saddened that I have given up my strength...but then the world is full of fools...and clowns...individuals who make choices...to entertain and please others...and though the world will continue to revolve on its axis...I'm done with the revolving door...of those who do not see me...for who I am...because my bangs are in the way...

Think what you want...it's time to lose the weight...and the locks...that have locked me into society's vision of a woman's beauty...no matter how you cut it...that is...and from this point forward will be...

...the long and the short of it...

The Tortoise or the Hare...

Often my most important moments happen...in the shower...I don't know if my head clears...or the surprising...lack of hot water...opens my mind...but...so it was a week ago...I have not posted for several weeks...the holidays...entrances...and exits...have occurred...and...I haven't been able to formulate words...it happens...from time to time...but a week ago...the curtain...in my mind...was pulled back...and I was struck by these thoughts...

My last post...was about nursery rhymes...how I connected with them...and saw myself through them...I began thinking about the importance of morality tales...rhyming allegories...and parables...in my life...I did not grow up with parents...who taught me much...beyond what not to do...so I turned to these...stories...to...hmmm...guide me...cradle me...in my development...a long time ago...I stopped turning to them for answers...until recently...

Aesop was a slave...in Greek times...it is debated...about his ethnicity and origin...but his simple...and wise philosophies...have been passed down through the ages...one that is burned in my memory...is the Tortoise and the Hare...

It seems that there was a tortoise and a hare...and they were in a race...the gist is...that the hare lost...because...his energy was spent...on the beginning of the race...so convinced that he would win...because of who he was...and the tortoise...remained focused...and won...because of his willingness...to continue on the course...and not worry about the end...but look to the journey...as a compass and touchstone...if it were...to lean on...for his confidence...

I've been thinking...about my duality...of tortoise...and hare...even though I loved the story...and understood the moral...I have spent most of my life...being the hare...fast to respond...quick to move...believing I would accomplish much...not waiting for all things to reveal themselves to me...This year...I have been forced...then...became centered...on identifying with the tortoise...I've stood still...a great deal...I've requested...the room...to take my time...to allow life to open naturally to me...and moved in a paced...and maybe...a boring...style...creating a deep and eternally grateful sense...of dignity...within myself...as chaos has swirled...as I watched...and everything has been revealed...while I plodded along...

So...here I lay...dumbfounded...as once again...I have entered a race...an experience race...and I am moving forward...but the other participant...has lost their steam...their desire...their will...to complete the mission...and...I am so very thankful...that I move slowly...even though...this is a lonely place...in any race...when you are pacing yourself...

There is a part of me...that habitually wants to blame me...as I have always done...in the past...and berate myself...for not responding fast enough...not answering the way that they wanted me to...not running at a crazy pace...not throwing all caution to the wind...but...truthfully...I want the wind at my back...pushing me along...not lifting me off the ground...to drift aimlessly...in a torrent...that rips me limb from limb...

I realize...that the steady path...often means you travel alone...and I want...oh...I want someone at my side...but I can't lose time...lose myself...with someone who does not see the end result...of me...what I have to offer...and even...as I feel my sense of longing growing...and the finish line...so far away...I ask myself again...what do I wish to be...a flash in the pan or everlasting flame...

...the tortoise or the hare...